Real Housewives of New York City recap: All the Countess's Men
Luann does the walk of shame, and Dorinda still believes in Santa
The greatest season in Real Housewives history continues. There are at least three scenes that will be recreated in Fire Island and Palm Springs rentals this summer by groups of gays — that means this is season is gold. That’s like the equivalent of Hamilton getting record Tony noms.
So we open the day after the Madame Paulette disaster… and I don’t mean those terrible modeling shots of Upper East Side ladies in ball gowns behind the register. No, of course, I mean John’s bizzaro party at his dry cleaner for Malan Breton from Project Runway. Jules and Dorinda are shopping at Jonathan Adler because Bethenny is having a gift exchange/caviar party which is definitely the kind of combo party only a Housewives cast member could throw. But the priority is talking about the tragic Madame Paulette’s party. Jules seems to have missed most of it because whenever there is tension, she immediately shields her face and hides. In my mind, when the whole Rey thing went down at Madame Paulette’s, Jules just covered her face and then tried to run out but kept banging into the walls like a Roomba.
So two ladies aren’t invited to Bethenny’s fish egg fiesta: Sonja and Luann. These two roomies instead head out to a midtown restaurant to also dissect the dry cleaning party disaster. Sonja just wants to get down to the nitty gritty on Rey. Basically, Sonja is all of us. Luann claims they only went out a couple of times… oh and they went to Ibiza together. In my book, Ibiza sorta bumps up the intensity of a relationship, but for Luann it was like grabbing a flat white at Starbucks. Sonja calls Rey Luann’s “lover,” which Luann completely shuts down. But then Sonja presses her on whether she slept with him. Luann: “A lover I would call someone who’s constant. I would call him a one night stand.” !!!!!!!!! I mean I wouldn’t even call him someone to consider having sex with, but that’s just my opinion.
So at Bethenny’s weird party — which I’d say is more of a gathering given the small guest list — Ramona shows up and is ready to dish. She asks for two drinks and a glass of water before she even sits down because she’s got a whale of a tale to share. And then she recounts the Madame Paulette fight. But mostly she criticizes John’s hands, which are both “fat” and “sweaty.” Dorinda then shows up so all this fat hands nonsense needs to settle down. It’s definitely an awkward entrance: There’s weird energy when she shows up since everyone’s been talking about her and John. She and Bethenny have a quick heart to heart on B’s Skinnygirl red hall bench. I’m surprised Bethenny didn’t hand her a low-cal energy bar to munch on. Dorinda announced to the girls that she’s having a holiday gathering up at her house in the Berkshires. I mean is that a good idea? Your bra party almost ended in bloodshed. Maybe it will be fine as long as no one tries on undergarments?
NEXT: Luann introduces her new guy
The next morning at Sonja’s Bed & Breakfast, Luann and Sonja have a nice morning after rehash. It turns out Luann had spent the night at her new guy’s place and did the walk of shame this morning. Remember when the Countess was lecturing people on eating with the wrong fork? Yeah. Luann and Sonja both like rolling around in large fur coats since Sonja has not turned the heat on. It is like Grey Gardens but with more sexual partners. Luann discovers that they’re mentioned in Page Six due to the whole Madame Paulette’s dust-up. The best part is that the New York Post calls John a “dry-cleaning magnate.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Then, Luann announces that she has sex three times a night with her new fella. Speaking of…
We meet Tom, her new man, at a dinner party Luann throws with her good friends. Turns out, this fella also went out with Ramona before The Countess. Are there only like three single ladies over 50 on the Upper East Side? Most confusingly, Jules is there. Didn’t she and Luann just meet about a month ago? Now she merits as a close pal? Anyway, Tom seems nice. Dorinda introduced them and thinks that he’s basically the male Luann meaning… they both like to go out and have sex. Then, John says something really gross involving the word “moist,” which I don’t even want to go into.
So finally everyone heads up to the Berkshires for Dorinda’s holiday party. The big D says that she loves the holidays and still believes in Santa Claus. Her house is actually quite charming but also looks like a place you’d have a murder mystery weekend, so there’s a fair chance someone will end up dead. My money is on Jules since she’ll be covering her face and running around blindly when the conflict goes down.
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So Ramona arrives first and, of course, immediately craps all over Dorinda’s house. Literally. Her dog poops everywhere. Then, Luann and her new soul mate Jules show up. Luann tells Dorinda how upset Sonja is that she didn’t invite her, but Dorinda thinks it would just lead to a lot of drama. Cut to five minutes later, Bethenny comin’ in hot and laying into Luann. The Countess explains that she’s trying to “mentor” Sonja, which Bethenny (and the world as a whole) finds humorous. Ramona meanwhile thinks Sonja should find some “spiritualization.” Maybe Ramona can help her with that and then take her out to hear some ra-gay music.