Teresa opens the door to reconciliation with her brother Joe, but he wants nothing to do with it because he's got other things on his mind.

By Jessica Shaw
Updated May 31, 2011 at 05:00 AM EDT
Tommy Garcia/Bravo

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Happy Memorial Day, NJ Housewives watchers! Did you return early from your barbecues early to watch tonight’s tepid episode in which Teresa tried to make peace with her little brother? Or did you stay out late eating hot dogs and beer and downing all the other ingrediences of a good holiday weekend festivities?

Yes, ingrediences. You know, ones like that spice “come-in.” Oh, sweet Teresa. So much hair on top of that head and sometimes I question what’s inside. Not that it’s hurting her much. We first saw Teresa tonight walking into a shoot for her cookbook, presumably so she could diss every photo that the “food stylist” took. Meatballs? Not enough sauce. Chicken drumsticks? Hers are browner. Some other dish? No parsley. Well, it’s that kind of attention to detail that makes someone a best-selling cookbook author, right? That, and knowing how to make the word “ingredient” into plural. Okay. Just the first one.

Juicy Joe (ugh – I’m so uncomfortable with that nickname) called in during the book meeting to inform “Tre” that he’d run into Joe Gorga at the gym. Even the bejeweled orange smart phone couldn’t mask the bile coming out of husband Joe’s mouth when he said he wished he’d bleeped up her brother.

Meanwhile, at the gargantuan Gorga estate, Joe Gorga wasn’t as concerned with running into Joe Guidice because he had other things on his mind. “Poisonous” things. Man, this guy has issues. Melissa is starting to look more and more sane by the week because we’re seeing her alongside her terrifying husband. “Sometimes Joe will complain if we don’t have enough sex,” she explained. And if you didn’t already leave the room shouting “La La La”and covering your ears, you would have heard how Joe wanted some action after the fashion show, Melissa was too tired, Joe thought she should have downed espresso, etc. Once she got her horndog husband off the topic of sex, she turned the conversation to Teresa. (An uncomfortable segue if ever there was one.) Melissa urged him to get back in touch with her lest he become one of those “typical Italians” who’s estranged from his family. Not that Joe’s sex drive was done for the episode. He went at his wife again while the kids were in the bath (what is up with that? It’s creepy how watching his children bathe always drags his mind toward sex!), telling her that she’s a MILF and that “our father is a very sexual man. I guess I take after my father.” Again with the father? Let. The. Daddy. Issues. Go. And while you’re at it, stop talking about all the sex you want to have with your wife while your children are in the room. Or a camera crew is in the room. (What’s that? Oh, it’s Melissa, wanting me to add the line, “Or when your wife is in the room.”)

NEXT: Anything but Joe Gorga talking about sex

Meanwhile, over at Psychics R Us, Tia Belle was finding out all the Housewives gossip from Jacqueline. “Have you been to Teresa’s house?” she asked Jacqueline. Wow. She’s good. She knew Jacqueline had a friend named Teresa? She also sensed there was “an emotional weakness” about Ashley, which she pronounced Ahhhh-shley for some reason. (Shouldn’t she intuit that’s not how you say Ashley?) Sorry, Tia Belle, I know some things you’ve told Jacqueline have come true, but I could have told you Ashley was emotionally weak after 1.8 seconds. That girl is a wreck. Yes, I felt slightly bad for her this week hearing about how she feels torn from her Texas family. (And even worse watching her little brother try to get off the phone with her.) But she’s still a lazy, petty, entitled brat, so I can’t feel that sorry for her.

My big winner this week was Caroline. Not because she wore a pink boa while helping her sons move into their new Hoboken digs, but because she was in full Don (Dona?) Caroline mode this week, telling Kathy what’s what and telling Teresa to shut up. “With all due respect, don’t come to my house and bash my friend,” she said about Kathy’s apologetic visit. “Those are your issues,” she said to Kathy about what went on at the Posche fashion show. “I do not want to know about it. I don’t want to hear about it.” Now, you know I love Kathy, but I had to give that point to the 5’1” redhead. (Also, Kathy doesn’t need my point because she has the most adorable husband on the planet who gives her roses and a new Mercedes!!!!) And of course it was brilliant when she boiled down all the Joe Gorga and Teresa drama with the synopsis, “Bottom line: They have been rotten to each other.”

Later, Caroline tried to quiet down Teresa at some designer event that Kim “D” orchestrated for camera time invited

the Housewives to . “Listen to what I’m telling you and then you comment afterwards,” she said. Of course, that didn’t work so well, but A for effort, Theresa.

Meanwhile, the infamous letter (oh, what I wouldn’t give to see how many words were misspelled in that letter!), initially written on the orange bejeweled smart phone, wasn’t half bad. “There is a hole in my heart where you were and no one can fill it,” she wrote. Okay, so it’s a little Taylor Swift but I think we all can agree that it could have been far worse. Teresa wrote out pages and pages (with about four words per page) as Jacqueline—presumably her advisor—looked like she needed three more bottles of wine to get through the evening’s task.

In the end, Melissa read the letter out loud to Joe. “I think you should talk to her, hear her out,” she said to her husband. He replied some nonsense that he would reconcile if she went back to being Teresa Gorga. All I could think was that the two of them sitting down right now would be a recipe for disaster. Or at least one of the ingrediences in that disastrous recipe.

Episode Recaps

What did you all think of tonight’s episode? Still hate Melissa or are you warming to her? Did anyone buy you a silver Mercedes (awwww, Rich!!!) this weekend? Was tonight’s episode the perfect end to your Memorial Day?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Jersey housewives and extended clans keep the Garden State interesting.
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