The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Pomp and Circus-stance
Kroy asks for Kim's hand in marriage. Phaedra proves she's a better actress than Nene.
At this point Kim should just photograph herself doing everyday activities while holding a black baby and e-mail the evidence to the other ladies. Seriously, this African orphanage storyline has become a seven-episode arc, and it must end. Only problem is, I think Kim’s everyday activities — getting her fat laser-ed off, posing for a black-and-white nude portraits — probably aren’t healthy for a baby’s impressionable mind. Best of luck, KJ!
Cynthia initiated a lunch with Kim at the Brookwood Grill, a chain that they treated like some cozy hole-in-the-wall. Luckily both of them seemed pretty eager to slap a Band-Aid on their non-relationship and move on. In a move of passive-aggression, Cynthia kept her sunglasses on until the very last minute. Ooh, it was like watching a chess game between two great minds, deciphering the subtle maneuvers as each tried to wrest the upper hand from the other. But then they both fumbled by ordering giant portions of food. When you’re meeting someone for any kind of contentious reason, order light so you can make a quick getaway if need be. Instead Cynthia ordered a 3,000-calorie salad and Kim ordered deep-fried sea monster. Kim admitted that she says “dumb shit all the time,” and Cynthia immediately agreed. One point Cynthia. Then Cynthia suggested that they should hug, prompting Kim to roll her eyes and bring up last season’s “friendship contract.” One point Kim. They called it a draw and left behind enough uneaten food to feed an orphanage in Afr… never mind.
Meanwhile Nene flew to Los Angeles with dreams of stardom and no shortage of delusion. She announced her ambitions for an Oscar, used the phrase “the craft of acting,” and proclaimed, “I could possibly be. A Hollywood actress.” Sounds like a prequel to Sunset Boulevard. Not to be a hater, but I’m not a fan of Hollywood Nene. If getting a few appearance fees to show up at Bar Mitzvahs post-The Celebrity Apprentice was enough to make her utter the words “I’m rich, bitch!” I don’t want to be around to see what happened after her guest role on Glee. I mean, she was already this close to throwing a cell phone at her West Coast assistant Andre. Nene complained that she was “sick of” Andre because he was (in her best whale voice) “VERRRRY GAY,” which I’d normally take offense to, but Andre was in fact aggressively annoying. Seriously, who gets that excited over a Murphy bed? Throw that phone, Nene! (In other news, Steve Harvey and Rudy Huxtable met Nene at an L.A. hotspot. We were all sufficiently dazzled by her celebrity lifestyle. But it was nice to see KKP was doing well).
NEXT: Kroy knowingly enters into the Zolciak family.
In stark contrast to Damon’s failed attempt to propose to Tierra last week, a much more assured Kroy arrived at Papa Zolciak’s house to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Ugh, I don’t mean to be cruel, but the moment would have been kind of sweet had Papa Z been someone other than himself. It was hard looking at the highlights in the few strands of hair he had left, and I keep expecting his mustache to twist on its own as he said, “CHEE-EEE-EEE-EESE.” But of course Papa Z loved the attention and needed to milk the moment for all its worth. He pretended to give the question deep thought, asking if Kroy were in it “through hell, sickness, and all those things.” One of “those things” being when Kim’s face falls off at age 36. (Too far?) Wow, Kroy seems genuinely into Kim, and not even for reality TV reasons. Good going, Kim!
Kandi made a very brief appearance in last night’s episode assessing products for her sex toy line Bedroom Kandi. The product developer Matthieu Skyped in from Amsterdam (how fitting) to present toys that could double as makeup. One of these transforming toys was a stick of lipstick that doubled as a clitoral stimulator. Marketing genius Kandi came up with a sales pitch for the product: “the clitstick — lipstick for your clit.” I’m always surprised that you’re allowed to say “clit” on TV. I couldn’t handle the rest of what Kandi said — Mama Joyce would not be proud — but I do like the makeup concept. It’s like mild-mannered, beauty-conscious woman by day, self-pleasuring superhero by night. Just a tip, Kandi: Don’t try to mix your country music ambitions with your less wholesome ones.
Peter and Cynthia got together at the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Agency to make boring plans to find models. Of course, they both delighted in trashing Mal as she took her “voluntary leave of absence” (or fake trip to Paris). I think Cynthia will come to regret her treatment of her sister this season. It seemed as though she was using Mal to bond with Peter — and that might just be a temporary fix to a deeper problem. Also, Cynthia needs to stop changing up her wigs so often. In this scene, it looked like she was wearing two wigs at once, one for each pigtail. I’m all for changing up your hair, but she can’t show up in two consecutive scenes with the same wig. At some point you need to find a home base wig.
NEXT: The women all turn up for a very Phaedra ceremony.
In this week’s episode of The Devil Wears Death Makeup, Phaedra, the ambitious young intern, learned how to speak to a grieving family. Two young people entered the Willie A. Watkins Funeral Home to discuss arrangements for their deceased father, a masonry worker named Phillip Lewis. Maybe Phaedra should be the one chasing that Oscar because she took on that drippingly sweet hushed tone while talking to the mourning family even when asking “cash or credit?” Eventually Phillip Lewis’ life started sounding a bit too much like an August Wilson play, and it turned out the Lewises were a fake family and it had all been a test. Classic. I’d say Phaedra passed with flying colors. Phaedra may be over-the-top and a bit morbid, but she’s a bright spot in this bleak season.
Well, except for the fact that she was responsible for this next scene. For some reason Phaedra invited all the women to a gala celebrating Willie Watkins, where they’d be announcing their new funereal partnership. Shockingly the ladies all showed up and sat through what appeared to be an insufferably boring, pointless ceremony. Cynthia hilariously called it “a waste of a dress and a wig.” That single trumpet that played through the entire ceremony — and probably throughout Willie Watkins’ everyday life — would have driven me to murder. Kim couldn’t stop running her mouth the entire time. Something tells me she has a low tolerance for boredom. She eventually pulled Sheree outside and told her that Kroy had proposed — off camera, which is unheard-of for a House-husband! (or maybe it’ll be on their new spin-off) — and Sheree flipped out, especially when she saw the ring, which Kroy supposedly designed. I’ll give Sheree the benefit of the doubt and say her reaction was genuine and not forced. But you know what was definitely forced? Sheree’s excitement at being one of Kim’s bridesmaids. Her Pebbles Flintstone topknot drooped at the thought of it.
Kim and Sheree went back inside just in time for Phaedra’s big announcement. “We’re gonna bury a lot of people,” Phaedra said. “We’re gonna give a lot of funerals worth dying for.” Classic Phaedra.
Can Nene make it in Hollywood? Or were your more impressed by Phaedra’s performance? Would Sheree make a good bridesmaid, or will she pull a Kristen Wiig — and Kim’s wig, while she’s at it?
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The Real Housewives of Atlanta