The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: The Seven-Month Itch
Phaedra reaches her mathematically fuzzy due date, while Sheree's love doctor fails to impress her fellow Housewives
Perhaps in an effort to curb teen pregnancy, our nation’s school systems can enlist Ms. Phaedra Parks to lecture students on the horrors of childbirth. “Giving birth is the closest thing next to death,” she explained last night. That’s right kids, don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
Phaedra continued to take liberties with her interpretation of the miracle of childbirth. At maybe-seven months pregnant (but who’s counting?), she headed to Augusta to “drop the load,” with help from Dr. Lue, the “one doctor [she’d] let near [her] vagina,” and also share “barbarian cream” lady fingers with. (Yes, the hilarious Karen Valby is off this week so consider me your boughetto replacement.)
Phaedra was still considerably early, but in her mind she has a ridiculously busy schedule so if the doctor can induce her now, why put it off? Just listening to her rattle off her obligatory activities made me sleepy. “I work out every day, I have to get my massage three times a week, I have to get my manicure/pedicure at least once a week, I gotta get my facials. It takes a lot to be me…and look this good,” Phaedra explained. And lest you need reminding, Phaedra is a lawyer, so she really doesn’t have time to keep track of how far along her pregnancy is, and apparently neither do her doctors. “The doctors I was seeing, well they just had different theories,” a slightly drugged up Phaedra told Kandi and her mother Regina. Wait, do you mean theories (with air quotes)? Does Tiy-eh The Love Doctor moonlight as a OBGYN, too?
Meanwhile back in the ATL, the ladies continued their quest to prove that mommy to-be was either a lying sack of sh–, or completely clueless. Nurse Zolciak specifically called bull, throwing around terms and stats that she probably hasn’t used since long before Big Poppa. While Kim scared Dwight off to the bar, Cynthia got the real victory for politely confessing that nursing wasn’t exactly the first career that comes to mind when she looks at Kim. (I wonder: Was it the chain-smoking or the drinking that made her say that?)
But Phaedra could not care less about Kim’s nursing expertise or even Dwight’s overuse of the word “fabulous”; she was too busy worrying about becoming the next victim in a hospital horror movie. You can never be too careful these days, what with all of the baby snatchers…and the germs…and what’s that called? Oh, the maternal death. Maternal guilt was more like it, as we learned that it was Phaedra’s mother — Pastor Regina — who contributed to her wacky mathematical skills. Because mom doesn’t approve of children conceived out-of-wedlock, Phaedra’s playing dumb gets her out of any eternal damnation or exclusion from family inheritance, and allows her to keep getting first dibs on mom’s jumbo-sized jar of pickles. All was revealed when Dr. Lue explained matter-of-factly that Phaedra was indeed to term at about 40 weeks (whether or not Regina chose to hear that or believe that is anyone’s guess). So yes, Nurse Zolciak and the rest of the ladies were right, Phaedra and
Dwight Apollo had a shotgun wedding after all. Who really cares? The important thing is that Phaedra got a low incision C-section and can still wear bikinis! A true Renaissance woman after all.
NEXT: NeNe turns a critical eye on Sheree’s man.
Just like she stepped outside of her comfort zone and on to the dance floor last week, Sheree continued to break free of her old patterns by looking for love above all else. It’s just like she told her kids and their friends at their graduation party: “Dream big!” Yes, kids, don’t intentionally look for a millionaire suitor, but by all means dream that one will appear on your doorstep!
So Sheree — still cute, with rollers! — welcomed Dr. Tiy-e into her home for her spades party, an afternoon of cards, drinks, and interrogation with the rest of the ladies. Things were off to an awkward start when Dr. Tiy-e, apparently also a doctor of theology, suggested he lead the group in a prayer (next time just try offering to refill drinks). Tardy for the party guest NeNe quickly recognized him as a potentially phony doctor who used to work the area television and radio circuit. Of course, NeNe was playing it cool by filling everyone in on the controversy right there and then.
Luckily, Lisa was polishing off a personal bottle of riesling (and “looking like a bobble head”) so she was game for a round of 20 questions about Dr. Tiy-e’s background and education. He claimed to be a doctor of psychology, specializing in “marriage and family therapy,” but insisted he was not a shrink, who received his airquotes PhD. airquotes from Ashford University. “Did you get in online or at the school?” piped up Kandi’s mom Joyce, going for the jugular. The group laughed, but after a few more questions the doc clarified that, oh yes, Ashford University actually is online. Poor Sheree was left feeling duped, and feared she broke her pattern for nothing but a liar. But, like NeNe said, it’s only a matter of time before Sheree stands up for herself and explodes.
Are you happy to finally learn the truth about Phaedra’s mysterious pregnancy, or were you disturbed by how unemotional she was after her “gross” birth? Was the group wrong to interrogate The Love Doctor? Who will NeNe land for her first big 11 Alive interview? Were you happy to see Lisa Wu Hartwell? Can you get a PhD. online? Sound off below!
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