Ramona and LuAnn's daughters have dueling Sweet 16 parties! Bring Your Own Mocktails and Bad Attitudes.

By Karen Valby
Updated June 24, 2011 at 03:25 PM EDT
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The Real Housewives of New York City

S4 E12
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Avery scares me. Seriously, I would wilt in the face of her derisive downward glare. You know who else she scares? Her poor friend who had the nerve to suggest that Avery invite Justin Bieber or Katy Perry to her sweet 16 party. “I bet they’re going to be in town,” she stammered, looking for validation from her three silent, disapproving friends. Avery said nothing, giving a slight shake of her head. That little colt just got iced from Avery’s very elite group of everyone who is social in New York. Say goodbye to your chance at the satin wraparound bed/banquette! Hasta la vista to the mysterious David! Forget about a slow dance with Mario! You cross Avery and you lose. Go back to the cabinet you crawled out of, breakers and Bat Mitzvah themes.

Speaking of cabinets, LuAnn’s party planner might need to take a time-out in one. “Wow, you definitely look like you’re older than 16,” he said, appraising Victoria. No. Turns out LuAnn never had a sweet 16 party. (Who did?) Little known fact: LuAnn had tons of brothers and sisters—we got it!—and never got the attention she craved. The Countess took her Queen Victoria dress shopping and thankfully they both agreed that Paris Hilton should not be a teenager’s style icon.

Turns out Avery and Victoria are both celebrating on the same evening, which gave Ramona and LuAnn an opportunity to try to one-up each other at Jill’s surprise party. Ramona’s favorite game! LuAnn is throwing hers at a dance club in the 40s. Oh really, well, Ramona thinks that sends a weird message to underage kids, so she’s hosting hers in a 5000 square foot space in the 20s. Eat it, Countess. Victoria is inviting 120 friends, just an intimate little soiree with acrobatic dancers. Cute, said Ramona, except for the fact that they’re having 200 people because that’s how many friends Avery has and LuAnn wishes her daughter was as popular. Theme? Frost. Winter Wonderland. Battle to the death. As Ramona and LuAnn segued into arm wrestling, a magician in a purple jacket, who very well may have been related to Brad (am I right?), tried to amuse the disinterested women in truly terrible magic tricks. You weird me out, Mario, but that was kind of nice the way you threw that chucklehead holding up a giant dollar bill a bone. “Big money,” said Mario. “I got that. That was good.”

One year older, one more liquid facelift under her skin. Get ready everybody, here comes the guest of honor! Enh, it’s just Howie and his girlfriend who hates Ramona. Alright, get ready again. Surprise! Jill didn’t seem very surprised walking into the restaurant, though perhaps she hadn’t yet gotten a look at Simon in his Chinese robe. Jill wanted everybody to envy the diamonds earrings Bobby gave her. If you think that’s good, he also bought her a Diet Coke factory in Binghamton. That man will do anything for her.

Ramona wasn’t very impressed by the venue. Too narrow, too crowded. (But at least it had napkins.) She spent most of the night on her Blackberry, until a red wig appeared and she gave her most obnoxious Jill impression. For some reason Cindy thought it would be amusing to don a heavy Marie Antoinette wig and read a little spoken word. Kelly gave a very heartfelt toast to the tragedy of her tardiness. LuAnn came down the stairs with a peacock on her head. “I thought maybe it was a drag queen but it was LuAnn,” tittered Ramona. The Countess crooned, Jacques beamed, Jill texted photos of the party to Bethenny’s Facebook page, and Sonja locked herself in the ladies room with a busboy. Meanwhile, Josephine Baker’s son snapped at everybody to be quiet already.

NEXT: Sweet 16 party dance-off. It’s kind of like a breaker battle, but with giggly white girls in overpriced dresses clutching their phones. In Brooklyn, Simon met up with a nebbishy hypnotist in multiple layers of parka. Kindly Jacob has a gift. He will put you under by counting to 10 and then he will bark at you like your dementia-ridden uncle who got into the gin-and-tonics again. Jacob, can you excuse Simon real quick? He’s just going to pop outside for a quick cig. Okay, ready. Take it away, Doc. “YOU ARE A NONSMOKER! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CIGARETTE AGAIN! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

Awkward interlude alert: Alex and Cindy met for a work-out and I assumed the most uncomfortable aspect of this scene would be Alex in never-before-worn gym clothes. But poor Cindy was wearing an unfortunate sweatshirt that apparent reeked of cat urine or something and that pretty much sums up Cindy’s character arc for this entire evening. She just can’t catch a break.

Party time! Ramona made sure, to the extreme annoyance of her party planners, that there is plenty of Pinot Grigio in the house. Phony Grigio for the kids! She convinced Mario that the beds scattered around the wonderland are in fact fun wraparound seating areas. She just has to make sure that the bouncer remembers to only let the adults in and turn any hopeful teenager away. Anything for her little girl! On the west side, Victoria was actually having a grand ole time. She seemed grateful for her mother’s efforts, dazzled by the party, and happy to be jumping up and down with her friends. Enjoy yourself, kid. Don’t smoke and Skype. This was kind of the mellow version of Beverly Hills Housewives party-off. Ramona was Taylor: competitive, distracted, and possibly drunk. Avery looked ready to throw a Kennedy-style tantrum. Meanwhile, LuAnn was playing the role of Kyle Richards—the fun Mom who has her priorities in check. Oops, spoke too soon! LuAnn has late reservations with Jacques at a little French bistro downtown so she’s got to scoot.

At Ramona’s party, Bobby pulled Simon aside for a little chat. “Peace and love, Bobby,” said Simon, who had a bit of his Season 1 oiliness about him. Not so fast, said Bobby. The Big Man was very disappointed in some rumors he was hearing. Rumors of hate bloggers! (Wait, is that me? No man, peace and love.) Bobby had reason to believe that Simon was fanning the flames against Jill and that made him rather upset. Things got tense. Bobby’s eyes narrowed. He motioned to his henchman standing underneath the snow angel. “You on my page?” Bobby asked of Simon. Get in line, Simon. Otherwise you’re going to wake up one morning with a very large swath of fabric piled at the foot of your bed.

Next week: Kelly and Bobby have Alex and Simon iced out. It’s a Winter Wonderland thing.

Well, Manhattans: Team Frost or Team Winter Wonderland? At what point in the evening did Victoria’s friends transition from mock- to cocktails? What are the chances that Simon is out on his stoop having a cigarette this very second? Who would you rather be trapped in an elevator with—the bad magician or the owner of Chez Josephine?

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The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda—and oh, yes, Bethenny—are in a New York state of mind.
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