The Real Housewives of New York City recap: You Know Those Jealous Bitches?
Cheers to our simple lives, audience! Meanwhile, these broads hit Sonja's burlesque party.
The Real Housewives really need to stop grossing Avery out so much. Somehow the young lady with the perma smirk got dragged along to go burlesque outfit shopping with Ramona and Sonja. The trio hit Patricia Fields where Sonja got to flounce around the feathers and snaps and Ramona pretended to be comfortable amongst the lacy cut-outs and transvestites. While the older women tried on some outfits, Avery snuck in some digs. “When do people wear this stuff?” trilled Sonja. “Halloween,” said our fair Avery.
A salesperson came to Sonja’s aid and while their voices were octaves apart, Sonja was right that the two shared a similar look. Sonja you kook, I love you despite yourself. And despite your Black Swan buddy too. Good thing Sonja didn’t bring that woman along with her on the shopping trip as she apparently would have left little dribbles of pee in Patricia Fields’ dressing rooms. Rich people are disturbing.
Even Jill Zarin’s breakfast orders are annoying… with a weird side of endearing. “A scooped out whole wheat bagel, toasted with cream cheese,” she told the counter person at a Grand Central snack shop. “Candy never hurt anybody, did it?” Ally is turning into a real beauty, though I feel as anxious as Jill about her semi-joking interest in becoming a sex columnist when she grows up. Do teenage girls really still fantasize about being the next Carrie Bradshaw? They went for a quick bite to eat—turkey and chicken, hold the fish—and then Jill took her only daughter shopping. I can now add shopping to the long list of things I never want to do with Jill Zarin. “Everybody need to squeeze their fat ass!” Jill honked, in between moaning about boxy cuts and declaring Ally’s chest too low for a tank top.
Back in the city Avery met Ramona for a meal and she really laced into her Ma for asking to make a couple calls at the table. Ramona thinks her week has been tough? Ha! Avery knows from tough, what with raising herself all alone in an empty Upper East Side apartment. Ramona is always on the phone, Ramona is never home, Ramona never texts Avery her whereabouts. Ramona was looking very uncomfortable, nudging her daughter under the table for speaking ill of her in front of the cameras. Suddenly Avery did a 180 and read her glowing mother an essay she’d written for a school project about heroes. I think Ramona’s heart burst right in front of all of us, as Avery declared her self-made mother her beacon and shining star. All Ramona wants is to be adored and her daughter gave her a helluva fix.
NEXT: Sonja lets it all hang out at her burlesque party.Can Chris March please have a permanent role on this show? His two minutes with Sonja, where he rather wincingly suggested that she in fact not give her guests a full crotch shot and endured the woman’s confession that her nipples pointed east and west, were a delight. Sonja was in rare form, prancing back and forth, singing “Catch me if you can, catch me if you can!” What is this blowsy woman on anyways?
Perhaps she too has been sipping the Strange Love cocktails, like our fair Kelly. New best friends Kelly and LuAnn met for drinks and some frank love advice. The Countess has appointed herself Kelly’s Love Doctor and her mission is to find the woman her own personal Jacques. This appeared to be the least fun drinks date ever, although Kelly looked besotted by her companion. “It’d be a lie if I said I didn’t like hanging out with you,” she said. Even when she’s happy Kelly sounds off. Kelly pumped LuAnn for juicy stories about feeling overwhelmed during her marriage and all the Countess gave up was a lame bit about meeting Prince William at a baptism.
Latter at Sonja’s party all the Housewives showed up dressed to depress. There was royalty and old French families in the house after all! Simon looked like a cartoon version of August from Water for Elephants. Jill borrowed a teensy little top hat from her dog Ginger. Kelly looked great, because while she may be off-the-charts wacky she does know how to dress. Cindy, who showed up for three minutes this whole episode, looked uncomfortable because that’s what she does best. LuAnn, who cares. Alex, game but trying too hard. Like Mario, I forget what Ramona was wearing because I was too busy admiring the impressive redhead burlesque dancer. Brian should always wear suspenders and no shirt.
Simon approached Jill and, declaring over and over that he came from a place of good, made nice. I’m still unsure what exactly happened between these two but apparently haters were involved. Is that us? All Jill knows is that it says a lot about her character that she accepted Simon’s apology. You know what else says a lot about Jill’s character? The way she was sneering to Cindy during Sonja’s terribly silly but dear performance. (And can someone translate Cindy’s mean-spirited retort about money not buying you class? “Sucking a golden dick doesn’t either.” What does that mean?) Jill might have murmured under her breath throughout Sonja’s dance but afterwards she was all smiles and hugs. But nobody was more impressed than Mario. “I thought you were hot and hot and so hot!” he said, holding his top hat in front of his trousers.
Next week: Oh God, a music video. And LuAnn dares disrespect Turtle Time.
Well folks: Were Jill and Cindy talking smack about Sonja or her weird loud friend? More Chris March, yes? Can you imagine a worse job than being Kelly’s love doctor? Secretly do you like LuAnn’s new song? No, of course you don’t.
The Real Housewives of New York City