The Real Housewives of New York City recap: Open Shut Them, Open Shut Them
This is not the Plaza, ladies! In Morocco Part 3, Ramona cried, LuAnn glowered, Alex got hives, and Kelly pretended to be the voice of reason.
The last episode from the girls’ endless trip to Morocco kicked off last night with Jill squalling for Cindy. “Where’s Cindy?! Where’s Cindy?!” she sobbed. Where is Cindy? Oh, there she is, staring slack-jawed at whatever blonde happens to be popping off. I think it’s safe to say that Cindy will have extra time next season to devote to her Completely Bare empire.
Jill was bereft from her tete a tete with Ramona but she swore she would never let anyone treat her like “that” again. Not with LuAnn, former varsity softball team captain, as her heavy. The Countess really let her claws out last night. While Ramona was gasping on Alex’s shoulder, her friends pleading with the nurse to give their friend another shot of Pinot Grigio, LuAnn just smirked at the lot of them. The more Alex and Sonja begged her to leave the room so Ramona could calm down, the slower she twisted the wine opener.
Oh well, everybody hates each other but they’ve got dinner reservations. Trip of a lifetime! Jill wanted a picture of Cindy dancing on a table but LuAnn smacked her hand and reminded everyone that they were not tourists. LuAnn’s best friend, Morocco’s Minster of Tourism, would beg to differ. But anyone who knows Alex knows that she is the type of gal who will dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly so she couldn’t resist an awkward shuffle with the belly dancers.
The next day—good grief, how long was this trip exactly?—Jill sicced herself on a tour guide while Ramona stayed back at the riad to whimper over the injustice of it all. Why wouldn’t Jill listen?! Alex, a real goofball all night, tried to comfort Ramona, rubbing the woman’s limbs and staring at her with soap opera wide eyes. Bravo upped the ante of the scene by filming it extra grainy. This was cinema verite people. Ramona’s mental health was on the line! She was heartbroken and would probably have to take to her bed for the rest of the evening. (Psych! She’s just going to down another bottle and smush her boobs with Sonja in front of the aggrieved designer.) No wonder Alex had to put on her extra leaden heels to clomp down the stairs and confront her friend’s attacker.
“This is henna,” LuAnn was instructing the brunettes. “This is henna!” Well, this is Alex, unhinged and off script. I usually like Alex well enough because her articulateness balances out her ridiculousness. Not so much at the tattoo parlor. Poor thing huffed and puffed in her effort to corral LuAnn and tell the woman to go easier on Ramona. LuAnn’s eyes narrowed dangerously. Cindy stopped breathing. Kelly looked at Alex like she was the worst kind of nerd she used to shove in a locker back at her small town high school. Weird!, shouted Kelly. Over and over and over. LuAnn directed Alex to return to her cabinet. Kelly waited until she was off camera to start yelling for Santa Claus. The henna artists looked on with the exact same expression of amused, semi-affectionate revulsion that I’m usually wearing at home in front of the TV.
Alex spun around in a few circles, stomping her foot for someone in this country to listen to her. Kelly reentered the scene and immediately started barking a nonsensical series of orders. “Cover your shoulders. Close your eyes.” But Alex didn’t want to close her eyes. “No!” Kelly barked. “Close your eyes.” Nigh nigh Alex. The poor thing closed her eyes and tried to tell Kelly why she was so upset. If Kelly truly was a sane person this would’ve been an opportune time for her to just walk away so Alex could rant blindly into the desert air. “Open your eyes now!” said Kelly. It’s just that Alex is so angry. Nope, Kelly insists she is not angry. She is sad. Jill popped out with poodle hair and told Kelly to be quiet already and let the hyperventilating woman speak. Jill Zarin, two steps forward.
NEXT: Dinner will be served at 8; gang fights at 9:30.
That night LuAnn fumed at the head of the table when the blondes failed to show up on time to the dinner that
she the staff had so carefully prepared. Whatever, she’s not going to be petty about it. But that f&%ing c%$! b*#&% Alex, how dare she even speak in LuAnn’s presence? How dare she even breathe after attacking the hostess with the mostest while she tried to get a simple tattoo on her claw. “Alex is here!” interrupted Jill. LuAnn slowly looked the nervous woman up and down. “We started an hour and a half ago, we didn’t think you were coming. You know what Alex? I know you better than that. You have an education.” “She does,” agreed Kelly. At this point Alex was fully within her rights to take a handful of her salad and throw it calmly in LuAnn’s face, but instead she just stared in genuine shock as LuAnn continued her sneering smack-down. “That’s alright, apology accepted, we’re over it.” (She is so not over it.) Alex got up to leave and LuAnn gave her a stern warning. “You want to start with me, you have to finish,” she said, fingering the shiv she’d taped under the table. Scoot, Alex!
Now it was Ramona’s turn to make an entrance. LuAnn, no dummy, knew not to go as hard on the Queen Blonde. But that didn’t mean she would forgive a 5 o’clock snack. Kelly encouraged Ramona to go after LuAnn and apologize so they could all have a nice night of retiring to their individual rooms to send frantic texts back home about how much they all hated one another. Ramona was actually pretty nice to LuAnn but the Countess took a sharp right and brought up the fortune teller’s warning about Mario’s straying eye. LuAnn just wants to be there for Ramona when her marriage goes up in flames. She’ll always have Ramona’s back. And by that she means she will always have her back in sight so as to jab it with her sterling letter opener.
The last 15 minutes of the episode were stuffed with little random bits of nothing. Ramona belly dancing. Cindy announcing that she doesn’t indulge in food. LuAnn complaining of feeling hit by a donkey cart with two sheep in it. (If only!) Everybody groaning when Alex dared speak in long sentences at dinner. And, regrettably, Mario eyeing a pool hustler’s ass on guys’ night. “Hey, Ramona’s in Dubai!” he scoffed. “Morocco, whatever.” (Poor Simon, he’d have given anything to be with the ladies trying on kaftans instead.)
Well Bravolebrities, were you surprised by LuAnn’s sudden viciousness? And even more surprised by her complete lack of self-awareness on WWHL? Why won’t Cindy ever speak? Who is Kelly kidding? Who’s worse: Alex working herself up into hives or Kelly playing therapist?