In St. Barts, Sonja spends the night with some old Italian friends and Aviva arrives, promptly goes nuts.

By Karen Valby
Updated September 04, 2012 at 12:59 PM EDT

The Real Housewives of New York City

S5 E14
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First of all, worst island party ever. The only people who showed were the puffy and mysterious Cat and hottie trash bomb Tomas. After her wild phone blunder last episode—Money Can Buy You a Network Translator: Remix!—she was playing it cool. The only time her smooth white feathers look ruffled was when Ramona called Tomas a silly willy and got a little too close for her liking. “Ramona don’t get too friendly now!” growled LuAnn, going for a teasing tone. But Ramona couldn’t help herself so she followed the 29-year-old around the party, darting from behind corners and grinning wildly at him. “Yes, so, did you have fun here last night?!” she’d say, popping open her eyes. And Tomas would just bat his mascaraed lashes with his phone to his ear, listening to the dial tone while Ramona hectored him. “I wasn’t looking to nail LuAnn to the wall,” Ramona assured the audience. “I was just playing with her.” Which is probably just what LuAnn said to Jacques before they clapped their bedroom lights off after the wine tasting event. Tomas seemed to be waging an internal war. Would his horniness trump his increasing disdain for these women? He wearily suggested a menage a sept, which Ramona quickly agreed to though I imagine she thought he was talking about a fine bottle of white.

LuAnn was steering clear of Tomas—”last night I did it Italian-style!” she insisted grossly to whomever would listen—so he was forced to make other women swoon. “I loved Carole,” he told Sonja and Carole of a failed past love. “She was my Brigitte Bardot.” “Ohhhhh!” the women moaned, like Rosie O’Donnell and Meg Ryan watching An Affair to Remember. “But we are, we separated.” “Ohhhhh,” they sighed. “Which one of these lucky ladies is going to take home the greasy prize?” said Heather in the line of the night. As if it was ever in doubt! A few hours later Heather walked in on Tomas unloading baguettes into Sonja’s back wagon. After smashing her face into a door, witnessing LuAnn’s shenanigans the night before and now this, she returned home from the island with a raging case of PTSD.

The women were all in stellar moods the next day aboard the Stealin’ Sun yacht. Hats off to Heather who had gracefully been deflecting any Ramonattack all vacation. At one point Ramona asked Heather and Sonja to lean in close and say cheese. “Heather’s allowed to be in the vacation pictures?” marveled Sonja. “She likes me now,” said Heather, which Sonja laughed off. “That’s just today.” Sonja spent the day resting her bottom. The boat staff held up towels lest the original Housewives get too hot while they snacked in the sun. Heather and Carole had a human conversation on the bow of the boat about Carole’s husband’s death. “Sometimes I wish Anthony had left me a letter,” said Carole. Heather was neither overly familiar nor did she turn the conversation to her. Sanity alert!

Cut to Aviva in a crisp white blouse and pink blazer shaking nervously to the rhythms of Chaka Khan on a plane. Insanity levels restored.

NEXT: Carole needs a vacation from her vacation.

That evening Sonja and Ramona were bobbing bottomless in the pool, while Aviva and Carole dipped their feet in the water and sipped their wine. It was going to be a great night. They were going to watch Russ’ rehearsal before heading out to another luxurious dinner. Best vacation ever! Then Reid and Aviva showed up, Aviva looking around in confusion for the balloons and red carpet. Um hello, she conquered her demons and it was really, really hard? Why wasn’t there a five piece band welcoming her? Reid looked at the two triangle tops bunched up in a puddle by the pool and backed away slowly. “I’ve delivered you Aviva and I am going to bow out,” he said to the women, explaining he had a weekend’s worth of work to plow through. Man problem solved, drama averted. Hooray, who wants a shot of tequila?!

But Aviva looked brittle as she sipped meanly at her glass of chardonnay. The pink blazer was not coming off anytime soon, no sirree. “You don’t have anything negative to say about Reid being here do you?” she hissed threateningly at Ramona. Say no! Say no! Ramona stared back in disbelief. “Are you yelling at me?” she asked slowly. Say no! Say no! Aviva seemed to grow taller and paler with rage as she insisted every woman in the house ought to go up and bow down to Prince Reid for shepherding her over the dark ocean waters of her troubled mind. Ramona started nodding slowly, like she was back on Scary Island witnessing Kelly’s jellybean meltdown. “Take a Xanax!” she finally cat-called. “Calm-mmmm dow-unnnn!” LuAnn sat there with a little smirk on her face, every now and then dropping the words “hotel” and “dynamic” like hot coals onto the fire. “You’re both white trash quite frankly,” said Aviva. That may be true but, seriously, and not without sympathy, what sounds more white trash than having lost part of a limb in a farm conveyor belt? (<—-Mean-spirited and absurd.)

Aviva insisted to an increasingly bummed-looking Carole that either Sonja and Ramona had to go or she and her maligned husband would. Sonja and Ramona retreated to their master party suite with the other women clustering on Aviva’s balcony. “This wasn’t about Ramona. This one was about Aviva,” cried Aviva. Good grief, we’re speaking in the third person, this really is bad. “I would’ve expected a party! I would’ve expected a party.” Do you hear that Carole, Heather and LuAnn? You too have let her down. Reid looked so incredibly pissed, pleading with the group to leave him in peace so he could finish his Words with Friends game.

NEXT: Aviva will launch a new perfume next year called “Relentlessly in Love”

Downstairs Sonja decided the best way to approach a crazy person is with touch-feel therapy. Kind of like when she pets and strokes Ramona when she’s in one of her crazy moods. So Sonja reunited with Aviva and played dumb, trying to distract Aviva by pointing at the shiny hem of her dress. La, la, la, she trilled, throwing her arms around a rigid Aviva. Okay, hugs weren’t working. This is all a silly misunderstanding, said Sonja, who admittedly had already thanked Reid profusely for both chaperoning Aviva on the journey and then offering to make himself scarce. “I went to law school and I went to Vassar and I speak several languages,” said Aviva. “I hear and I understand everything.” She started ticking off the supposed crimes committed against her husband while Carole crept onto the staircase and tried to interject. Nobody paid any attention to Carole. That purple dress made Sonja look pregnant. Things were really going off the rails when Ramona appeared. Def con 5!

“I am so sorry this is going on,” said Ramona. Who what now? “I am like getting goosebumps. I am shaking. I really care about you Aviva. I am so sorry you’re upset. I’m so sorry you don’t feel like you’re welcome here. I am so happy you’re here.” Carole’s dumbstruck expression matched every single viewer’s at home. “I am here to support you however you want to be supported.” Aviva coolly accepted her hug, but not before insisting that both Ramona and Sonja go upstairs and tell Reid how handsome and funny and noble and generous he is. As if!, cried Sonja as Ramona dragged her back to their room.

At dinner that night Ramona tried to keep things light. Sonja was pissed at Aviva for both calling her white trash and betraying her trust. (What trust?) Ramona was buddying up to Heather lest she have to sit next to buzz kill Aviva. “One thing I’ve learned about Ramona is she doesn’t like to fight with more than one person at a time,” said Heather. Nailed it! An increasingly passive aggressive Aviva was ready to stab a blonde with her fork at a moment’s notice. “See when I get really pissed I’m relentless,” she bragged to Carole and LuAnn. “That’s not a good quality,” shot back Carole. In her private interview Aviva smirked that perhaps she shouldn’t have called the women white trash. “I’m very sorry for the words that I used,” she said with a bitchy pause. “That’s what Rush Limbaugh said when he called somebody a whore.” Now I’m not saying your wife is crazy Reid, but she scares me.

Carole’s breakdown of the entire episode: F&#^ing idiots.

Next week: Carole cries, Heather stomps off, Sonja and Aviva wrestle.

Episode Recaps

Well friends? At what point should Carole and Heather have looked at each other and silently agreed to check into a hotel room themselves? Was LuAnn indeed the instigator-in-chief? Were you stunned by Ramona’s hat-in-hand apology? Desert island with Ramona or Aviva? And finally, does Tomas charge by the hour?

The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda—and oh, yes, Bethenny—are in a New York state of mind.
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