The Real Housewives of New York City recap: This Time it's Realistic.
A Count-less free life is definitely bringing out a new looseness in LuAnn. To say she’s warmer or funnier this season is probably an overstatement, but would the Countess of seasons past have emerged from the back room of spa to gleefully announce that she had just gotten her entire underside waxed? (“Take your mimosa in there and get it done!” she then hollered at Kelly. “I deserve a cupcake.”) Our girl, suddenly a woman of passion and appetite, is finally getting some. And Bravo is loving all of her blowsy, self-amusing bursts of sexual innuendo. “I don’t suggest you spit, dahling,” she told Kelly at Jacques’ Wine Connection speed dating event. “I highly suggest swallowing.” Haughty snicker, haughty snicker. “I do.“
Kelly is lonely. She wants a partner and a father for her children. Sea and Teddy deserve a normal life. (There’s always medication Mommy can take!) While she waits for the dating princess to leave a man under her pillow, LuAnn suggested she show up at any events where there’s the possibility of a European being in the room. So off to the Wine Connection Kelly went, with a horny-looking Sonja and an I-shaved-my-legs-for-this? Cindy as companions. Kelly got that sniffy, confused, creepy smile when she saw there wasn’t any Kelly lemon-aid on the drinks menu. It matched the expression of her Round 2, a mean aspiring actor who trained at Julliard and was terribly impolite to poor Cindy. Kelly, who doesn’t have much game, suggested they amuse themselves with a little improv, like they did in the movie Due Date. Hold on, let the man rearrange his demeanor from I want to kill you, you bore me so badly to I have cancer, marry me. Ding ding ding! “I have an announcement for you,” trilled LuAnn. “I’ve stolen Jacques’ bell.” Sonja promptly removed her stockinged foot from her speed date’s crotch and shook her decollete like a pom pom. Next!
Sonja dear, you’re worrying me. The audience is turning swiftly on you, and I fear not even your Doctor Zhivago hat will be enough to win them back. Still dewy from a yoga class, a private lesson taught by Brian, she deigned to meet Alex for lunch to discuss the fact that Sonja is disgusted by Alex and Simon, but especially Simon. This had the potential of being a very tense conversation so the fur hat stayed on. Here’s Sonja’s take on their nasty fight at her home: “Feathers flying!” Alex, employing her conciliatory Reunion voice, spoke slowly and softly. Legal, legal, legal, it’s not about us straight people, human rights. Sonja looked bored, and cut to the chase. Simon is a monster and she has taken a restraining order out against the man. Alex is a strategist, and she knows she can only handle so many enemies a season, so she proposed they drop the subject and focus instead on the fact that she is now a famous super model.
NEXT: Alex tries to smile with her eyes; photographer weeps.How f^%*ing depressed did that photographer look when presented with his subject? (About as dejected as Francois when a full flute of freezing champagne was dumped on his head at Mum’s birthday party.) “We have a wonderful creative team here, they will do some,” he paused, wincing at his people, “fashion stuff.” Alex, who had been up late the night before practicing shoot lingo, grinned at him knowingly. “Okay,” she said, “let’s make some magic.” Mark just needed to quickly duck into the bathroom and self-medicate while Alex got fitted.
Oh Bravo, you meanies. “I feel lucky and grateful that I don’t really have to watch my weight,” Alex yammered at us. Cut to her skirt being stretched over an unforgiving waist. “I can pretty much eat whatever I want and not have issues with that.” Electric blue sausage casing. “It’s a happy accident!” As is that hair, Alex, which did indeed look like a bird’s nest made out of Brillo pads and loose pieces of straw and cotton batting. “I look like a sexy mourner,” she said, admiring herself in the mirror. “Gorgeous dahling, gorgeous.” She paused to get into character. Natalie Portman, before her eyes go green and red, in Swan Lake. No, no, maybe Natalie Portman’s stand-in dancer, before she went on 20/20. The photographer, his voice stripped of soul, pleaded for less drama in the eyes. Alex laughed her snobby Santa laugh; he sighed, and then jumped out of the 14th story window.
With that hair, there was no going home to Brooklyn. Party time! Ramona was being honored for her successful celebrity brand (they tried first for Bethenny, but she was busy Skating). Alex’s hair made a grand entrance, with the woman following quickly behind. Everyone gasped. Ramona managed not to say anything over-the-top offensive. LuAnn wasn’t able to make it that night, too busy with her kids. (As if!, scoffed Avery, who scares me.) Kelly wasn’t there either, as she was still struggling to get her text of Regrets to Ramona just right. But Cindy made an appearance, only to quickly realize that she was the only sane person at the table. Ramona got up to deliver her speech which Sonja, who may have had one too many martinis, couldn’t resist translating. “She’s a tough cookie!” Sonja praised, as Ramona droned on up on stage. “It’s a hard fight!” Cindy, God bless her, looked at her and wondered “What’s a hard fight?” Sonja just nodded knowingly at her. Sisters are we, bitches.
Watch What Happens Live highlight: Denise Richards—is she the most adorable creature or what?—gave great Ramona eyes.
Well New Yorkers: Was last night a nice break from Jill? Can we all forgive Sonja for her occasional ridiculousness or is she dead to you? Do you like your Countess with a little sass? If Simon came at you asking for a group hug, would you think “Fun!” or “Weird, very weird.”