In "Your Tweeting Heart," Simon and Jill spar over mean tweets, Kelly deems the situation weird, and Alex's neck gets blotchy again.

By Karen Valby
July 01, 2011 at 02:00 PM EDT
Joe Pugliese/Bravo
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These women, such marvelous friends to one another. The first half of the episode was devoted to Ramona’s desire to include Sonja in her birthday party. She just loves Sonja is all, the woman is her sunshine, her sister. Ramona decided that Sonja could have five of her own friends at the party, and two photos in the slide show. She was going all out for the celebration: Evites, napkins (happy now, Jill?), scallops. This party was going to blow Avery’s out of the water. Eat it, sweet 16.

Cindy threw herself a little party too, in what appeared to be a roller skating rink or the rich kid’s basement in which I first got drunk in high school. It was a vajewelling kind of a night which meant unfortunate shots of a lot of confused-looking men (and a gleeful Brad) lifting up their work shirts so they could get a tacky heart or butterfly glued on to their pale bellies. Jill sniffed and declared that real men don’t vajewel themselves. Cindy may have offered to wax Simon’s chest which made Alex snort her wheezy tire laugh that always makes me feel depressed.

Simon may have had too much to drink because he turned into short-tempered, sarcastic Simon (think: back of the cab, Alex’s birthday night) when Jill said she’d rather not meet him for a diet cola after all to discuss their residual tension. He’d had some things he needed to get off his waxed chest and now he was being denied screen time. Kelly thought the whole thing was really weird, though admittedly Kelly thinks everything is weird. What kind of man suggests meeting to talk? What kind of man does that to a woman? (I’m unsure what was weirding her out so much. It’s not like he was suggesting they talk over a couples massage or go to therapy.)

So now Simon felt spurned and he did rather creepily tell Jill to watch out. I hate it when my reality TV stars speak so mysteriously. Watch out for what? Jill was convinced he was going to sic his band of cyber bullies on her and did you know that cyber bullying is a real issue and all Jill wants to do is bring attention to the matter and by the way Skweez will be in stores this fall. Kelly just wants the mean tweeting to stop and for Simon to act like a real man. Whatever that means. LuAnn’s organizing a charity walk to put an end to social climbing. “Those two are desperately trying to have relevance with us,” the Countess sniffed. Oh LuAnn, someone needs to vajewel your mouth shut.

Uptown, Sonja was really having a rough go of it. She’s got no weekend help anymore. She’s married to her house. Someone dropped his Blackberry in her filthy toilet. So a strapping plumber came over to tend to her clog. The two admired each other’s rear ends but foreplay came to an abrupt end when he witnessed Sonja plunging her naked hand into the deep.

At least she seemed touched by Ramona’s white rose receiving line at the birthday party. (You! sputtered Ramona before Sonja arrived. You with the brown hair. You don’t belong here. And Jill for chrissakes, stop critiquing the hors d’oeuvres already and toe the line!) I’m wondering if it made Sonja feel more or less lonely being subjected to a slide show of Mario and Ramona’s 80s work-out looks with the occasional picture of her in her wedding dress tossed in.

NEXT: Kelly wants to berate Alex and Alex’s hives better not interrupt her.In the end, Kelly was deeply concerned about Simon’s behavior and how it reflected badly Alex. And nothing annoys her more than worrying about the well-being of a good friend. So she invited Alex out for a pancake. Just one, mind you. It’s not like they’re that close. She brought along her imaginary friend Santa Claus for moral support.

The mean tweets have got to stop, Kelly told Alex. Now open your eyes, shut your eyes, because Kelly’s train left the station before Alex had her first sip of coffee. Herewith Kelly’s line of reasoning: Kelly isn’t famous (that’s true!). She’s a nobody. She lives down the street. She doesn’t want to compete. She doesn’t want to fight. Alex’s big old eyes were going swirly whirly at this point as she wondered where this conversation was heading. Oh right, friendship! Kelly is such a good friend to Alex, always talking about her behind her back, reminding folks that Alex was going through a really hard time (“I’m not actually,” Alex tried meekly interjecting), what with living in Brooklyn and having an unemployed husband. I mean, is it any wonder that Alex is so odd when her life is so pathetic? Doesn’t Alex understand how exhausting it is for Kelly to always take such mean-spirited digs at her? And by the way, it’s not just Kelly who thinks she’s weird. It’s everybody. “I’m reaching out to you to make sure you’re okay,” said Kelly, weary of her own sense of graciousness, “as I always do.”

Catch your breath, Alex! You can have a role in this conversation I promise. You only have one shot though so don’t blow it by opening with “With all due respect…” You got to get in there when Kelly pauses to play with her hair. Now! “You are railroading over me with what you think is wrong with me,” she said.

Kelly sat back in a huff. How dare this bitch from Brooklyn try to turn this into a conversation? So weird, so annoying. “Can you stop being red?” she sneered with disdain. “Can you just please take a breath? Because it’s bothering me now.” Alex suggested Kelly stop attacking her then. Kelly sighed, the weight of the world on her shoulders. She tried to be a good friend and now her only option is to stand back and let Simon and Alex get iced out. (Is this a new platform of social networking? Friends are nice-icles, enemies icicles?) So now the two were left with nothing to say, Kelly judging Alex’s rash, Alex’s poor mouth agape. Who wants a pancake?

Next week: The blondes don’t want to be in LuAnn’s music video. Once more with feeling: The blondes don’t want to be LuAnn’s music video. This is the most ridiculous show in the history of television.

Well patriots: Who of the Housewives most deserves a pancake in the face? Was it ever explained why there was a Blackberry in Sonja’s toilet? There was a distinct chill at the party between Sonja and her former painter beau, no? Remind me again why Jill, LuAnn and Kelly were in painter hats? Why do people keep remarking upon Kelly’s relative sanity this season when she is clearly still bats—? WWHL guest Matt Bomer = Yum. Vajewels = No.

Episode Recaps

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda—and oh, yes, Bethenny—are in a New York state of mind.
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