What's a Real Housewives once-in-a-lifetime vacation without gratuitous nudity and nasty name-calling?

By Karen Valby
Updated September 11, 2012 at 01:39 PM EDT
Credit: Bravo
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Or, as Reid rather rudely put it, welcome to the episode of “Overweight, Old Ladies Gone Wild.” This confuses me on two fronts. Isn’t Aviva around the same age as the rest of the Housewives? Who on this trip is anywhere close to being fat?

The hour began on a sour note, with Aviva droning at her husband to leave some of the anti-oxidant rich food for her. You know how there’s only a few things in this world she will ingest. “Please don’t eat all the blueberries darling,” she said, before directing her gaze approvingly on Russ and Carole. “You guys are a nice…,” she said with a wave of her hand, “there’s a really nice vibe here. You’re both really genteel people.” Unlike that white trash Ramona creeping around behind them in her yoga pants looking for some coffee and a cheese danish.

Sonja and Ramona were still stewing about the whole Aviva uproar while they pecked grumpily at the breakfast tray. Worst girls trip ever, they agreed. If there was ever a memo circulated specifying that any meal would be consumed with boyfriends or husbands present Ramona certainly didn’t get it. And if we learned nothing from Ramona and Jill’s friendship over the last four seasons it’s that Ramona does not like surprises. If Sonja had known the group was going to splinter off like it was she would’ve just stayed home already. After all she could’ve been getting her plumbing worked on (if you know what she means) or directing her intern to the animal throw-up stains on the Persian rug or fixing her leaky gutters. Instead she’s stuck eating island fruit by a splendid pool in a gorgeous tropical setting.

And just what is white trash anyways? Ramona couldn’t find a thing about it in her reporter’s notebook. “Maybe we are white trash but who cares?” said Sonja. “Don’t call me that!” Maybe it meant that they were tacky? Or white? “White, we’re white,” the get-along girls agreed. But, after reading the definition on Ramona’s iPad, they agreed that they weren’t hillbillies per se, and neither of them were Okies as far as they knew.”Call me a name, call me what I am,” insisted Ramona. Oh you crazy, drunk step aerobics model, you.

NEXT: Heather has had it with these crazy bitches.

They slumped back to their master suite where they sighed about the injustice of it all. “I feel like the balloon got deflated and broke,” said Ramona. “I dunno, I’m not excited about anything now.” Not her lunch outfit or her sun hat or the fact that just one day ago she had the skeevy delciousness of Tomas to hang over the Countess’ head. All of it was meaningless now that Aviva had thrown a damp blanket monogrammed with Reid’s initials over the whole trip. Then Carole came into the room in a pretty flowy dress with news that she and Russ were going to go on a quick double date with Aviva and Reid that night. Carole was hoping for an “It’s all good, man” response but she forgot that Ramona gets Ramotional when presented with a sudden change of plans.

As Ramona stomped her foot about their double date, Aviva swanned onto the scene, her sheer brown cover-up billowing around her like a scary evil queen. “I hate to have overheard,” she sing-songed angrily, with a deadly passive aggressive smile plastered across her creamy face. Ramona sighed, and wondered if Aviva knew it was polite to knock first. “Is this another warm welcome, Ramona?” said Aviva, who then proceeded to describe how after last night’s antics she was no longer feeling girly or warm or fuzzy. It was all just such a shame that Ramona and Sonja’s fun and vacation and partying took precedence over Aviva’s pain. Her pain, y’all. “How dare you, how dare you, how dare you!” she said, in escalating crazy voice. Ramona decided to play “the calm, cool, collected Tom Cruise” to the self-righteous fury of Aviva’s Jack Nicholson.

Aviva was still chapped that there wasn’t a banner hung for her arrival that said “Welcome Aviva, You Did It!” She would’ve expected that of all people Ramona would’ve thought to color in bubble letters and draw smiley faces for her. The sniping went on and on, with Carole lounging on the bed relieved that she’d thought to take a bong hit before entering into this fray. It’s odd watching women rip into one another because they’re supposedly disappointed about a lack of bonding time. But, but, but you all hate each other? The best moment of the whole fracas was when Aviva snapped about the irony of a girls’ trip that involved lots of strange men being brought back to the house once the bars closed. “Yeah, to LuAnn’s room for sure,” said Ramona. On that note, an oblivious LuAnn made her grand entrance. “Girls, it’s time for lunch, you ready? Hi!!!!”

That parrot was so happy not to be sitting at the girls’ table. Everyone looked glum, except for Aviva who wore a disconcertingly smug expression. Carole tried to ease the tension by speaking for the group that perhaps everyone could have showed Aviva a little more compassion. Oh no, no, no. Nobody accuses Sonja of not having compassion. Not with her long and illustrious presence on the charity party circuit, to say nothing of the fact that she’s listened to Aviva yammer on and on about her issues for months now. After LuAnn, Ramona and Sonja excused themselves, Heather pleaded with Aviva to let her beef go already, before the vacation turned into a total s— fest. Aviva reluctantly agreed, and then in the next breath let it slip that “I didn’t think the plane was that bad actually.” Well for the love of, then what has all this nonsense been about?! The talk of small planes, and the unforgiving surf below, triggered painful memories in Carole who tearfully excused herself from the table. Heather, nailing it, politely urged Aviva to get over herself. “It’s like the trip was about Carole and then Aviva. And then Aviva again.”

So Aviva went after Carole and Sonja rejoined the table, harumphing about being called white trash. “I mean it’s one thing to call Heather fake, it’s another thing to be called white trash.” Hats off to Heather who took this blowsy slam with good humor. “I mean, for sure,” she said, with a cute little laugh. Ramona leaned in to give her former nemesis a little snuggle, before announcing to the group that she’d better scoot before she succumbed to another bout of diarrhea. “Now that’s white trash,” said Sonja. “I looked it up.” This was all getting fun again when Ramona told Heather that the other Housewives had arranged a little double date for the evening. Now that really did make Heather mad so she stormed off to read 50 Shades of Grey by herself on the beach. Poor Carole caught up with her and the two had a very sweet and sincere conversation before diving into the waves. Friend crush!

NEXT: Aviva and Sonja fight. They’re both white trash, frankly.

That night Sonja circled the befuddled help, who runs a wine bar in his free time. “Come have a drink one time,” he said. So Sonja lunged towards him, upsetting her glass of ice in her horny eagerness. “What did you just say?! Did you invite me for a drink? I knew you liked me. In between the salmon and the chicken you were thinking you’d like a little Sonja,” she purred. It was all very ridiculous and harmless but Aviva observed the scene with a disapproving smirk on her face. After Sonja suggested that nothing sounded more boring than a double date with Aviva and Reid (check) Aviva lit into her for her partying and sex life. “At 40+ years old, it’s very immature,” she snipped. Blow it out your ass, you uptight prig. The real problem is Aviva’s just so bored of Sonja’s laundry list of complaints. “Me, me, me,” said Aviva without a trace of irony. Then she called Sonja a two-faced double-dealer who was an embarrassment to her daughter. She went there! So Sonja went locker room on her, swearing and hissing as her eyes alternated between being eerily vacant and murderously sharp. “Return to sender!” declared Sonja. “I’m going to tell Reid to send this package home.” Zing?

So sure, Sonnja was a little bruised up, but not by Aviva. “I took a walk in the garden with Tomas. So?” But it was the last night of the trip and time for sunset cocktails. The ladies indulged in dueling narratives on the car rides. Aviva wished she had Heather’s guts. Sonja can’t help it if Aviva envies her assorted yachts. At the restaurant Ramona choked on the toast to Aviva’s safe arrival while she passed Sonja a note under the table that they were totally ditching the group before Russ’ concert. Back at the house, Sonja and Ramona drank away their frustration with Aviva’s agoraphobia homophobia arachnophobia.”Now Ramona can drink all day,” warned LuAnn. “Sonja cannot.” Zing!

After the concert Carole tried to fetch the blondes from their dressing room. They were not going to apologize for missing dinner. No siree, not after Carole bailed on them at lunch. “You really want to know why I left you?” asked Carole. “I donna care,” slurred Sonja, who was waving the hair dryer at the listless hem of her red one-shouldered dress. “Didn’t you see that I was upset by all you guys talking about small planes and crashes?” demanded Carole. “You were upset?” whined Sonja, sounding like a sorority girl who suddenly tunes in to the fact that her BFF designated driver got dumped that night. “Ohhhhh,” said Sonja, fumbling to turn off the dryer and pet Carole’s hair. “You were upset?!” “Okay, uh oh, now we screwed up!” shouted Ramona from the other room. “We’ll talk about it,” promised Sonja, making kissy faces at herself in the mirror before she toppled down onto a bench. As Lifetime movie music played, Aviva compared Sonja to Anna Nicole Smith as the scene cut to Sonja trying to stick her eye shadow brush in Ramona’s hair. “Here’z what I know?” slurred Sonja. “Here’s what I know.” “I don’t know,” concluded Ramona.

Desperate to avoid another rehash over who hates who, a fully-dressed Heather cannonballed into the pool, and into the season MVP slot. Then LuAnn kind of toddled up and jumped like a prissy Grandma into the drink with her. Even Aviva went in, though she would go on to later take a 90-minute scalding shower to wash the chlorine from her body. Sonja slid out of her red number, and clumsily kicked it off with her big toe. “I saw Sonja’s nipples and vagina so much on that trip I thought I should start petting and feeding them,” said Heather in the line of the night. Then she doubled down on her awesomeness by hip checking Ramona into the pool. Girl power!

Next week: An possibly guilty LuAnn cuddles up to Jacques; Aviva relishes in Sonja’s sloppiness.

Well friends? After this debacle, who is Andy Cohen going to call out most at the Reunion for their behavior? Who here suffers from the most egregious case of “me, me, me”? Does Sonja give off a worrisome Anna Nicole Smith stink? Who is your Season 5 MVP?

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The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda — and oh, yes, Bethenny — are in a New York state of mind.

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