Ramona wants an invite on the London trip. Heather denies her one. Ramona go boom.
You know times are tough when an episode opens with a couple of Housewives discussing their breakfast on the way to lunch. Carole ate a sugar cookie, which is code for she’s sexy and devil-may-care. Aviva ate a hard-boiled egg. Which she does every morning. She’d try a croissant, maybe, but first she’d like to talk to Reid about it because Reid is kind of her security blanket on these matters and she’s kind of nervous that there might not be cage-free eggs in London so she’s not going on the girls’ trip.
Ramona arranged an intimate lunch with two potential allies so that meant Aviva and Carole, and Carole’s house guest too!, were gifted with new samples from her TruRenewal skin-care line. Blah blah blah, how are you, let’s get down to the brass tacks of Heather’s big mouth. “She talks a lot,” Carole allowed, which made Ramona’s eyes snap to attention. What’d you say?! No, the first part. Say it again. Louder. Say it direct, bitch. “I said she talks almost as much as you do?” said Carole. Aviva agreed that Heather does talk a little too much and it can sometimes feel like the woman speaks in monologues. So much talking about a woman talking too much. In the meantime, Ramona will cut that waiter’s balls off if he doesn’t bring Carole another half-order of pasta immediately. Her guests will leave satiated or she will burn this mother to the ground.
Meanwhile LuAnn was at another restaurant poking Sonja with a stick. Are you the New York Cynthia Bailey? she demanded. Is Ramona your boss? Sonja insisted that she wasn’t scared of Ramona but that of course the woman can come on a little strong and it could be hard to stare directly into her eyes when they opened to their full capacity. Ask Mario, she said. Even he sometimes has to draw the line with Ramona. (Cut to Ramona’s viewing party where she looked at her husband upon hearing this and kicked him in the tuna burger.) And another thing, tennis makes Sonja dizzy.
Poor Tripp, the available guy who lives in Carole’s building. The two mosied over to the Occupy Wall Street protests to check out the scene. “One person’s mob is another person’s democracy,” said Carole, grinning knowingly as if she had said something profound. She worked for ABC News for 10 years so she was really in her element. A little fuchsia paint on her shoulder from a street artist? Bring it on. A late lunch al fresco after 20 minutes of observation? Evokes memories of her time in Afghanistan. “What’d you think of the protests?” Tripp asked her. “I think any protest is a great protest,” she said. ” Do you think we’re part of the 1%? I think we are.” Agreed. And that purple paint isn’t the washable kind.
NEXT: Ramona and Heather are neither new friends nor new acquaintances.
Heather, somewhat charmed by Ramona’s apology in the last episode, invited the Grige out for drinks. Ramona is convinced that she’ll walk away with an invite to London. But things go off the rails before she’s even gotten her glass of Ramona. Heather thanked her again for the apology. Ramona managed to both repeat her apology and explain again why Heather is weird. Heather mentioned Ramona was similarly rude during the story of her son’s life-threatening condition. Again, Ramona says, Heather’s weird. Anyway (!) Ramona would appreciate a response to her invitation to a Ramona-honoring ceremony. Uh, Heather doesn’t know if she got that. She did. Didn’t she already respond? Nope. She must have something pending. Regardless. Obviously Ramona is a fluffer nutter but she wasn’t letting Heather smile her way out of this one. The two stared furiously into their respective blackberries. “You’re a new friend, a new acquaintance,” said Ramona. “Am I?” Heather countered, without looking up. Oh, you wanna go? Because Ramona will go. London went unmentioned. The bartender asked Ramona if she’d like a refill. “No,” said ‘Mona. This is bad. The women got on their coats, Heather smiling brightly even as she pocket-texted her assistant to have Ramona run down out front. “Alright, do you live close by?” Heather chirped as Ramona escaped without a word through the revolving door.
So Ramona’s out, but LuAnn is in. The Countess, or Lu as cheeky Sonja likes to call her, lapped up news of Ramona and Heather’s spat like a kitty would milk. The two were bonding at an art exhibit where they spent an obligatory 30 seconds pretending to appreciate the work before s$!#-talking another Housewife while glugging wine. “I was impressed when Heather said she didn’t want to invite Ramona,” Lu said. “She’s gangster chic.” Oh God, new single alert. Reeeemix!
And now we will read from The Adventures of Sonja and Millsaps, a children’s story. Millsaps mother is all to blame for this “internship” apparently. Millsaps must rouse the bleary lioness and shave down her morning chocolate and parcel out the vitamins. Nice try with those dog liver pills, Millsaps! Sonja isn’t going to fall for that one again. “You see I’m so sharp I still know the difference between dog pills and my pills,” she bragged. Sonja and Millsaps have a new mystery to solve. How to get people to stop leaving the Missus so many of those demanding voicemails. Why can’t the world give her a break and just send her a text? “Come on,” whined Sonja. “Single mom, hurricane, dog got hit by a car, changing light bulbs and I got a toaster oven coming out.” Silly Millsaps tried in vain to encourage Sonja to cut her circular outgoing message short but Sonja had already too much chocolate to be contained. Big kiss, Millsaps. Get out while you still can.
Well would you look at that, Sonja is looking coy on the cover of Social Life magazine. Which meant a party must be thrown and she must drape herself over some nervous-looking young men for the cameras. “He’s my after 11 o’clocker,” she said, stroking one gentleman’s arm. “No I’m kidding, he’s my niece’s boyfriend.” Ewwww. Mario, pawing at Reid’s ring finger, nearly spoiled Aviva’s Episode 5 surprise. LuAnn couldn’t help but drop names of European royalty to try to impress Carole. Ramona dug wildly for a London invite from Heather, then bragged about how smooth she was. Then she hit the bar again, which did not bode well.
How dare Sonja go to London without Ramona. What about her feelings? What about the fact that Heather’s rudeness triggered bad childhood memories for her? Why isn’t Sonja validating her feelings? “You’re missing the f’ing point. You’re being too politically nice and now I’m getting mad at you. You’re actually disappointing me as a friend. And whatever. Whatever.” This is where Sonja needed to pull out her Scary Island soothing sotte voce. Slow it down. Defuuuuuse the situation. “Hell-o-o!” snapped Ramona. “Pinot glass on your head!”
So Ramona dragged Mario, who didn’t want to leave the party because Carole was there looking pretty in Princess Leia hair, into the bathroom to vent. Airhead. Airhead! Mario and Ramona that they have to leave early for “dinner plans.” Carole doesn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want Ramona around because whither she goes goes the drama. The producers, nervous about what’s so far been a sputtery season, are betting on it.
Next week: LuAnn in stirrups.
Riddle me this: Why would Sonja’s towels say STAN? Are Heather and Aviva’s husbands actually being played by the same man? Is Aviva a pot-stirrer or just a nervous nelly trying to appease everyone?