The Real Housewives of New York City recap: Snagged by the Pricker Bush
Heather took her girls to London while Ramona whined to Aviva's half-limb about the injustice of it all.
Oh dahlings. This whole London pseudo adventure is almost behind us. “Are we going to have to listen to this faux British accent the entire trip?” Carole rightly worried about LuAnn’s inflated affectation across the pond. That’s an affirmative, princess. So I hope you packed an extra doob in your carry-on because nothing brings out LuAnn’s haughtiness like international travel. Also, Sonja fell into the penthouse tub and can’t get up. Somebody ring the concierge.
Back in New York Aviva was still wringing her hands, hoping the cool girls understood that she wanted to go London it’s just that she’s so afraid of flying. (Have these first six episodes just been one episode playing on a loop?) But to pass the time, and ensure they stayed in the picture, Aviva and Ramona went on a little shoe-shopping date. The prospect of a one-legged woman in a shoe store sent Ramona’s twirly-bird eyes into a tailspin.”Does she bring this half-limb to the store? Does she take off the half-limb in the store?” Does the half-limb then do a tap dance for the customers before turning on the manager and demanding he stuff all of the cash register money in between its toes? Does it?! Aviva calmly walked Ramona through her reality. She can’t wear sling backs. She can wear sandals. The half-limb can touch sand and water. “Aviva I’m getting shivers,” Ramona interrupted her. Time for some role-playing. “Like oh my gosh let’s just do this for a second. Okay, if you were in a store just like this, okay I don’t know you, let’s pretend I don’t know you, I’m walking into a store….” It is moments like this that ensure Andy Cohen will always remain loyal to the Ramonica.
In London Carole wanted to show LuAnn and Sonja around her old neighborhood. They went shopping but the price tags spooked Sonja. “i always envision myself on the subway shaking a can asking for money,” she said. Season 6 spoiler! Then Carole showed them the stately house—which may in fact have been the house Hugh Grant and Rhys Ifans lived in in Notting Hill—that cocooned her after her husband’s death. “There’s a line in my book that says ‘widows are the new virgins,'” she said. (For all those who’ve wondered why Carole dumbed herself down by doing the show I think we have an answer. Expect to hear her say “There’s a line in my book….” a dozen more times before the season finale.) As she described that unsettling period in her life LuAnn kept speaking over her. “It’s hard, that’s hard, that’s hard,” she said, rather than empathizing by doing any actual listening. Speaking of LuAnn, she almost bought a house in London once. That was when she was living in Switzerland. And isn’t it strange that she and Carole have never met before, what with all the royalty they have in common? Finally a hedge had heard enough and tried to stuff itself in LuAnn’s mouth.
NEXT: “She’s an acquired taste.” Wait, which one?
Heather was totally loaded at her big Yummy Tummie dinner. Unfortunately this meant she forced everyone around the table to stand up and introduce themselves and share “Why you love Yummie baby, whoo!” This led someone on her team to stand up and tell the Housewives “I heard you have a princess on the show. But darling I’m a queen.” Carole sighed. LuAnn winced. “I know the Radziwills,” she assured us in her private interview. Of course you do, hon. “I know the family. And everyone knows that Carole’s a princess.” Sonja looked antsy to get the show on the road. She wanted to hit a
bar back pub for bedtime. Carole and Sonja excused themselves to use the egg drop restrooms leaving LuAnn sitting alone at the table, looking pinched as the ruffians around her started picking at their salads. “Normally you wait for every to be seated and start your dinner,” she sniffed. “That’s what the etiquette book says.” She snuck a julienned piece of carrot into her mouth with an impish smile. “It’s one little bite. I don’t think anybody saw me.” The commenters were right: You’re unbearable.
The next morning Carole was dragged out of bed to accompany Heather to a Yummy Tummie promo bit on a morning show. Can you imagine anything more grating than Heather caterwauling “Hi Honey Bear!” at 5:40 am when you’re jet-lagged and hungover? And do we really believe that Heather has earned the admiration of First Lady Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey?
We jettisoned between Heather’s admittedly smooth interview and Ramona’s jittery Learning Annex speaking debut. Ramona was there to ensure the modest crowd that women can in fact have it all. But wait. There was no picture of Ramona in the lobby. Not having it all! And her water table was too low. Not having it all! She practiced her bland opening line on a distracted-looking Mario and then proceeded to host a poor Housewife’s version of a Bethenny event. God bless her.
In London the ladies wanted to stay in and chill one night. “We’re going to get really nasty and dirty with our eatin’ and our boozin’!” said Heather. In other words they were going to split a chicken curry four ways, leaf through a Woman’s Own magazine, and judge Heather in her new ridiculous glasses. “Well do you want us to lie?” asked LuAnn. “Mr. Potato Head!” said Sonja. Heather was having none of their criticism. These frames were Italian, which meant however stupid they looked they were still awesome. “I’m going to keep fashion on the f—ing high yo. Yeah baby!” (Unacceptable.) Heather busted out her tape measure, which gave her an opportunity to repeat verbatim her Yummy Tummie catalogue language, and Carole declared LuAnn’s hip-to-waist ratio fertile. They engaged in a bit of sniping about Ramona which Sonja managed to derail. (At this point even the production team had fallen asleep they were so bored.) They played a quick game of questions which left us all with the upsetting image of LuAnn getting it on on a ping-pong table under the moonlight.
Meanwhile Aviva and Ramona went on a double date and sat at the same table Aviva and Heather were at a few episodes before. Ramona choked a few times. Mario crossed his fingers under the table that this time that piece of rice would stick. As much as Aviva doesn’t want the cool girls to think she’s aligned herself with Ramona, she wants Ramona to think just that. “I tell it like it is,” she told the group. “I’m like Ramona Junior.” Reid got bored of Ramona sniping about Heather. “Do you have these problems with other women?” Finally, a voice of reason! But Ramona played dumb, denying her entire story lines over the four previous seasons. Aviva must have kicked Reid with her fake leg because he suddenly switched gears. “I think she’s possibly jealous of you.”
Next week: 15oth Street, yo! And Aviva falls down the stairs.
Well loyal watchers: Surely the season will get better from here, right? Are Carole’s thigh-length stockings and fingerless clothes cute or ill-advised? Was LuAnn having a couple of very bad hair days in London? Did we totally call the inevitability of a “Gangster Chic” single or what?