The Housewives go on many dinner dates to rehash the various St. Barths shenanigans. 

By Karen Valby
Updated September 18, 2012 at 01:19 PM EDT
Credit: Bravo
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Back in the Big Apple all of the women were reeling from their tropical extravaganza. Mercifully we were spared a scene of Aviva making the plane trip back over the blue. (Although a part of me believes that she just happily ate pretzels and wondered over the odd plastic rock that covers air conditioners in the catalogue like the rest of us.) The originals needed some stability in their lives so they gathered at a mutual (?) friend’s house to let their menfolk do some cooking. LuAnn was coo cooing up to Jacques big time. The poor dear looked positively spooked. “I’m terrified of losing Jacques,” she said in a private interview that I’m sure she’ll later attribute to suspect editing. LuAnn is a slippery woman and I can’t see her ever owning up to any real moment of indiscretion. And in truth I don’t believe for a second that she slept with Tomas. I more imagine that perhaps they did some Italian kissing but for the most part his job that night was to tell her how chic she was.

Sonja showed up wearing oddly placed Greek nymph headband and the gals excused themselves to rehash their Aviventure. LuAnn, in her inimitable I’m-not-involved!-but-I-bring-with-me-haughty-judgment wasn’t willing to pin the whole mess on Aviva. The woman has anxiety. It took enormous effort for her to get on that little plane.”Let’s be clear here,” said Sonja, in a delicious moment, “this woman did not split the atom. She got on a plane with her husband which he’s obviously done numerous times. She did go to school in France which you don’t get there by boat most times.” Ramona expressed her disbelief at being involved in any Housewives-related friction. “I always try to make people feel warm,” she said, her smushy face widening with girlish innocence. And frankly she can’t remember ever having to “put this much energy into a friendship, ever.” Cut to the East Side where Jill threw one of those awful little glass coffee tables at Bobby’s head in a rage.

Meanwhile Carole and Heather were getting bombed on lychee martinis at a noxiously well-lit bar with a lot of similar looking gay men. (The McMurphy brothers hit the town that night!) Godiva shots! And how about Aviva with her ruler, always demanding attention at a moment’s notice? Cherry bombs! Did you hear she almost got married in Jamaica. Jamaica, Jamaica? Exactly. Lemon drops! Radz, I love you so much. Let’s be friends forever. Then Carole and Heather got themselves stuck in the door which seems impossible considering that Carole is a kleenex-sized. Heather may have been nursing a hangover when she then went out with LuAnn for sushi. The Countess once again voiced her support for Aviva before announcing that she and Jacques were full systems go with their IVF plans. Or as Jacques likes to call it, their Israeli Defense Fund. Oh she had a good laugh at that, he does make her laugh! Too bad that joke made zero sense and Heather is still reeling from seeing LuAnn in Tomas’ pirate outfit.

NEXT: Aviva and Sonja meet for pizza. Unfortunately nobody ends up with a pie in the face.

What was entertaining about the St. Barts episodes was the fact that the women were all together, forced into some organic interaction that wasn’t intercut with them ordering food or pretending to shop. Unfortunately we’re back to awkwardly scheduled meet-ups, which meant it was now Heather, Carole and Aviva’s time to gather. At dinner, the three wondered if Sonja’s vagina was ever going to be invited to the WWHL clubhouse. Carole was ready to move on from the topic but Aviva had some gnashing left in her about Sonja and Ramona’s supposedly toxic friendship. “Two women who can’t separate from each other for two seconds on an entire trip are obviously extraordinarily insecure,” she said, which seemed like the wrong argument for a woman petrified of being in a different room than her husband to make. She’s also decided Ramona is a Queen Bee who’s reduced Sonja to her drunk pawn of a side kick. “Un-gracious and un-refined,” she spat at a bored-looking Carole and Heather. “Ramona is a cheesy, cheesy low-class woman. End of story.” Silly Aviva, that’s just Ramona’s first chapter! Later on Aviva met Heather for dinner. (How are these women not all fat? Oh right, according to Reid they are.) Aviva wanted Heather to know that she’s not the type to hold grudges. Not even for a minute! But all the bullying that went on, t was relentless, wasn’t it? As I live and breathe, can Housewives just please be forced to sign a contract that forbids them from throwing that word around?

Meanwhile here’s Sonja’s take on what people do on vacation: “They party, they get their periods, they break glasses.” Anybody who disagrees should get their panties untwisted. Or, duh, forego panties altogether. End of story. But back in reality, Sonja was struggling. She was going to meet with her ex for the first time in years. (Weird.) She had a battle plan, she assured Ramona, as they snuggled in Sonja’s boudoir. This time she’s going to meet her ex with her falsies firmly planted on both eyes. “He likes a handsome woman,” she told a dubious-looking Ramona. “He internationally likes a little decollete and a suit.” This all sounded like a tricky gambit because it turns out her ex doesn’t make eye contact when he sees her. Creepy, guys.

The last thing Sonja needed on her plate right now was a poisonous pizza ordered by her prim nemesis Aviva. But the two met for dinner and Aviva seemed hellbent on ending the evening with a crisp hug. “As two moms, we just need to talk to each other in a more civilized environment,” said Vives. “And I actually love you and I think you’re such a brilliant and funny person. I find you in the bunch to be the most compassionate person.” Sonja looked like she softened for a second but then we all remembered that Aviva just last week told Sonja she was an embarrassment to her daughter and an over-the-hill, white trash, double-dealing floozy. Oops! Aviva tried to explain that when she said white trash she meant in the “moral failure” meaning of the term. Couldn’t they now start talking about what a snake Ramona is and how handsome Reid is in short sleeves? Sonja looked at Aviva with narrowed eyes, wondering if she’d at least be able to have a piece of pizza before she told the woman off. No such luck. Sonja told Aviva that she was so over her, and that she’d never again be subjected to such crazy ranting and raving. This triggered something in Aviva. “You know what I really can’t stand? Don’t say freak out or crazy because I used strong words,” she said. Yikes, someone’s been accused of freaking out or being crazy before and she really doesn’t like it. So Aviva pulled out her spiral downward card and pretended to be worried about Sonja, who saw right through her sneering concern. She bailed, leaving Aviva alone to eat two pizzas. “You stick with Ramona,” she called after Sonja’s enormous hat. “Good luck.” Good luck at the reunion Aviva.

Next week: George pulls on Ramona’s arm. And nobody pulls on Ramona’s arm and gets away with it.

Well friends? Did this episode lose some of the much-needed momentum for you too? What exactly do you think happened between LuAnn and Tomas and will she ever come clean about it? Did you approve of Sonja’s shoot-down of Aviva or do you side with Aviva like LuAnn? Are we all just ready to cut to the Reunion at this point?

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The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda — and oh, yes, Bethenny — are in a New York state of mind.

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