Watching an episode of The Real Housewives of New York City is like running a marathon (shout out to Carol and Cosmo): it is exhausting, and whether you know it yet or not, someone definitely pooped themselves at some point—but in the end, you’ve learned something about yourself.
The women RHONY cast do more in the span of a 42-minute episode than I have done in the last 42 days. These are some high-strung broads, and I somehow always manage to forget in between seasons what a shock to the system it is listening to them yap over each other while standing at various kitchen islands. I usually spend a portion of each new season’s second episode recap ranking the new taglines, but I simply feel like there are too many other things to address here. And this episode took place over the course of fewer than 24 hours as everyone sprinted around like hamsters who learned to use speaker phone while fretting about a clambake!
It’s not that the second episode of season 11 revolved around high drama, or saw someone fall over into a bush, or bring a man back to a house that wasn’t theirs or anything. It’s just that these New York women are like sharks—if they stop moving, they’ll die.
This episode features one woman celebrating 55 days of sobriety with the friends who recently seized her power of attorney, another woman throwing an impromptu mermaid dress-up party so she can stay sober, a 60-year-old complaining about how a 40-year-old man asked her if she’d have kids with him, a tour through an extra Hamptons home that rents for $120,000 for eight weeks, a tennis pro who now has some excellent on-camera evidence to file a suit against a very wealthy woman should he so choose, and y’all—I swear to Andy Cohen—it all ends with a quote from Madea himself, Tyler Perry.
It’s all…fascinating. It also, for the most part, has nothing to do with the meat of the episode, which is a much less interesting kerfuffle over who’s allowed to go to an overcast clambake that surely no one is actually interested in going to; they are, however, interested in asserting their superiority over each other. The season thus far is centering on the simmering feud between Dorinda and Luann, who both take turns judging the other for drinking too much and/or getting sober incorrectly. It’s fun because you can’t root for either of them!
While they’re unable to be in a room together, the cast has separated themselves by hair color. Tinsley, Sonja, and Dorinda are staying at Ramona’s Hamptons house, while Luann, Bethenny, and Barbara K are all bestie-ing it up while suspiciously knowing very little about each other’s personal lives. Numbers-wise, the blondes have it, so the brunettes are trying to recruit Sonja to come to their dinner even though she’s currently sporting yellow CVS extensions that she allegedly got at “a shoot” and is continuing to wear as “a joke.”
The Barbie hair works perfectly for the mermaid outfits Dorinda has brought though, and you have to hand it to these women—they are just stone cold free-nippin’ it in some Party City seashells while looking pretty incredible.
When the blondes sit down to lunch, Sonja gets a call from Luann making sure she’s coming to the dinner she’s hosting for all the women who have been there for her throughout her recovery thus far. I was a little skeptical that the attendees would be the three women who actually had an intervention with Luann…and then Sonja, who Luann insists has been there for her and who she’s definitely not just trying to lure into her alliance to see if she has any secret hidden immunity idols…