The Real Housewives Of New Jersey recap: No Treats This Halloween
The toil and trouble continues for sisters-in-law Melissa and Teresa. Will a witch named Kim make the pot boil over?
Welcome to Halloween in north Jersey, everyone! I’m not sure if this episode was taped in late October, or if the drama in the Garden State got so spooky that the entire neighborhood decided to put out pumpkins and hang goblins in their front lawns. Or maybe the entire state was reeling from the Gorga baptism so they needed to divert themselves with a good pagan holiday. Newly skinny and skinny-obsessed Jacqueline wasn’t complaining. She just wanted to pretend she had genuine affection for this holiday. “I like when my son goes trick or treating and brings me home candy!” she said with a smile. Sure you do, Jacqueline. I imagine you staying up eating mini Snickers all night long without a care in the world. Until you start doing your kick-boxing and squats for 400 straight hours so you can have a butt like Teresa’s.
But for all the merriment, the Gorgas and Guidices still had much rehashing to do. Each side went to their respective teams for some good “yes, you’re right” tough love. Theresa blamed her brother’s meltdown on the popularity of her cookbook. Melissa blamed it on Joe Guidice charging Joe Gorga. Caroline lorded over the a summit with her side of the family—where the women sat and gabbed and the men changed diapers. (Huzzah!). And Kathy and adorable husband Rich invited over the increasingly trashy Melissa and Joe (who looked a little like he’s just had electroshock therapy and was wearing a ski hat to keep his jolted head together). “Joe Gorga could have reacted a little differently,” Kathy said, stating the understatement of the century. Apparently, Teresa was supposed to know that Joe was about to explode because of some look in his eyes. You know, the look. Everyone knows the Gorga look. To that, I say: What if the lighting wasn’t so good? Anyway, Joe wanted some sympathy. “Why did I snap? I’m hurt. I’m extremely hurt,” he told the table. Oh, poor sweet lamb, Joe Gorga. You really are a sensitive soul. Deeply warped and Daddy issue-full, but sensitive. Even Rich started to see Joe’s rant was about to go into christening territory. “Alright, relax. Take it easy,” he said. Poor Kathy was regretting that dinner invite. And the meal looked so good too.
But both camps seem to ignore the most important piece of information ever: The Posche fashion show was coming up. “Hello? Hello? We’ve got the Posche fashion show coming up in two days,” Caroline says. “What are you going to do when you see Melissa?”
NEXT: The return of Kims D and G
Ah, Posche: the store that looks like it was stuck in the middle of a strip mall where a Pep Boys used to be and is owned by Kim “D”, the owner whose last name is too bold or blond to be shown on national television. Did you think you’d seen the last of her when she friended and then defriended Danielle last season? I certainly did. But a new shipment of clothing came in this Spring along with a new shipment of drama. And “D,” if I may call her that, wants to be front and center so she invited Melissa Gorga to model some of the latest fashions. “It’s hot. It’s hot,” Melissa said about her catwalk. It’s not. It’s not. I wish I could climb through the television and tell Melissa that Gia has a classier runway walk than she does.
But just when my disgust level was reaching its limit, along came Kim G, the most soulless, media-hungry, pathetic woman east of the Mississippi! (And that’s saying a lot, considering how lowly I think of Ashley.) On the plus side, Kim G had a nice, new haircut. Is there something about the name Kim that makes its namesakes want to put themselves in the middle of every place they don’t belong? Clearly because Kim G immediately began going off on Theresa. You could almost sense her sadness when Melissa left the store. I imagine she stood there saying “Wait! Bravo cameras? I have more to say! Want me to pole dance for you again? Because I will!”
Of course, the Kims G and D weren’t out of the story yet. They showed up to go to a “hot” NJ club with Joe Gorga (dressed in long black wig and gold mini dress) and Melissa (She’s vile, but you gotta give props to someone who looks that good in a catsuit). “At this point in my life I want to choose my friends a little more carefully,” the wonderful Kathy said about the Kims. Cheers, cousin K!
The Guidice household had its own dress-up going on for the holiday revelers. Teresa was “Super T” which meant she could wear a long black cape that two of her 48 daughters could hold up while she ran around the house. Poor Gia wanted nothing to do with mommy’s antics. “You’re embarrassing!” she said. You don’t know the half of it, Gia. But the highlight of the camera trip to the Guidices was seeing little Audriana who didn’t want to dress up like a rock star or have mommy write dollar signs on her skin with black liquid eyeliner. She wanted to be “a gym teacher.” Of course, Teresa couldn’t have one of her daughters simply wear a track suit so poor Audriana had to be dolled up with makeup and hairspray so she looked like the horrible hybrid of a kiddie pageant runner-up and Sue Sylvester.
I half expected the fashion show at Posche to be as exciting as last year’s faux-hair-pulling debacle. Or at least as action-packed as the christening. Unfortunately, it was a relatively tame event for the Brownstone. Teresa was fake nice to Melissa. Melissa was fake nice to Teresa. Melissa did a most absurd runway walk which Kim D deemed so wonderful she wanted her to stay out there. Teresa showed how Gia came to walk the way she does. Melissa’s sisters, whose names may as well be Drizella and Anastasia, hooted and cheered for their sisters and high fived with Kim G. “Should we boo Teresa?” Kim G asked them when Teresa walked. Audrina, might you teach Kim a thing or two about maturity next week? How does Kim G live with herself?
And just when it looked like the legendary Posche fashion show would end without yelling, Kathy pulled Teresa aside to talk about the christening fight. Now, you know I love Kathy, but perhaps it wasn’t the night or the time to have this heart-to-heart with Teresa. Teresa got defensive. Kathy implied Teresa should apologize. Teresa said it was her brother’s fault. Kathy said she was watching an abandoned Audriana. Oh. No. She. Didn’t! Oh. Yes. She. Did! Kathy must have missed the infamous look in that Gorga’s eyes because Teresa stormed out of there like, well, like her brother.
And all of a sudden, Teresa’s mother and mother-in-law were involved. Melissa was hating on Teresa. Jacqueline was looking like she needs some of her son’s trick or treating stash. And Caroline seemed like she was about to grab an eyelash curler out of daughter Lauren’s makeup kit and clamp down on the skin of the next person who raised her voice. “Kill each other in your own home’s!” she chided.
Now there’s an episode I’d love to see.
What did you all think of the second episode? Are you Team Melissa or Team Teresa? Should anyone named Kim be banned from Bravo?
The Real Housewives of New Jersey