The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season finale recap: Always a Housewife
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
There was some non-drama about whether Pandora’s reality televised wedding would be intimate enough. Under plumes of white satin Lisa wondered aloud if the vibe was sexy and intimate enough. How about if she works the tennis pole as an homage to Camille? Ken wore his special lavender shorts for the final crunch-time of planning. Giggy had on satin pink pajamas of course. Is it too late in the Beverly Hills Housewives reign to wonder aloud how that poor dog goes to the bathroom?
Paul got a colonoscopy, poor dear. I feel like that’s enough said about that. Although the way Adrienne left that bathroom in an outraged huff when he asked for help with his enema was fun. “Wha-wha-what are you doing right now?! Why am I in here!?” Turns out Paul has a perfect colon. Holds a lot of air. It’s not fair how much his flatulence amused all of us. Can Adrienne get one of these Valium drips to go?
Kyle has apparently started insisting that scenes at her house open with a shot of the back instead of the front. She and Mauricio wondered over which of her dresses was the least flattering and whether navy is the new black.
Lisa picked the hottest day of the year for her daughter’s wedding. One of those flower chandeliers—and I’m talking just for the night—probably costs more than my monthly rent. “Kevin Lee, come in. Where are you, I need you?” At least his assistant Anie was magnificently unflappable (and so normal, as if your friend’s together Mom was an assistant to a genius buffoon). When Kevin walked in he looked like the cock of the walk, dressed in his best chi chi chi Miami Vice wear. Notice that when he spoke to Anie, his voice was an octave lower. But then when his nervous client swanned into the tent, he amped up his bit. “You need a martini,” he told a flustered Lisa. “Let me get you one. More bling, bling, bling!”
NEXT: I do… not feel totally comfortable with these scenes taped after Russell’s death.Makeup artist triplets! Enter my beloved Max who looked overwhelmed by the amount of estrogen in the room. And while I worry about how uncomfortable he’s looked in his brief appearances this season I have to agree with his Mum that the mohawk did look a bit like a sleeping squirrel. In their dressing room, Ken responded in horror when Lisa suggested that for comfort’s sake Giggy just wear a black tie. “He’s got to have a jacket as well,” insisted Ken. “Okay speech! Don’t hurt my feelings okay,” said Ken. He was nuts if he thought Lisa could agree with that. She bolted. Who’s that white dog Lollipop? And how much does she resent Giggy’s fame? Pandora descended the stairs and despite my coal heart I found myself getting misty alongside Lisa. “I just want you to be happy and the rest will follow… Come on, you’re ready.” And the wedding—with the pink roses, a lot of sweaty, white people dancing, and goofy Ken sharing Pandora rather than giving her away—rivaled that of Father of the Bride‘s. The only difference was I don’t remember Steve Martin dancing with Latoya Jackson.
Lisa delivered a succinct and elegant toast before passing the baton to Ken. “Thank you darling, that was beautiful,” said Ken, before snickering nervously into the microphone. He peered down at his notecards through his dear bifocals. He complimented the pretty wedding, and the pretty couple, and it was all sort of choppy and uninspired—”I love you, I really love you”—but he asked if she might grant him the next dance and all told, it was sweet as can be. Yikes, that singer.
NEXT: Three weeks later…Three Weeks Later, a more ominous music played over shots of Beverly Hills. It wasn’t clear where we were in the timeline of tragedy as the scene opened with Kyle coveting appetizers like she always does. But then Camille arrived and she struck a slightly more downbeat note. Finally Kyle announced that yes, it’s been weird since Russell’s death and the girls haven’t seen much of Taylor. Adrienne figured this would be as good a time as any to bring some new shoes from her line to share? Kim was a no-show, which was no surprise.
Oh Kennedy, so desperate clinging to her mother’s neck to avoid showing her face. Portia will make it better, dear. The women seemed determined to keep it light, in what was clearly a pre-arranged agreement between friends. Lisa shared pictures. Adrienne stood up for Kim. I’m not sure how Taylor didn’t break into tears at the sight of the Father of the Bride. And God love Camille for having her hot new boyfriend’s abs as her screen saver on her phone. “Let’s drink to that,” said Taylor, toasting women we would never have expected could ever be this supportive of one another at the end of last season. “We do to everything else!” said Kyle.
Well, hillbillies: Did you catch your eyes watering during the wedding? Do you just sorely wish that Pandy hadn’t insisted that her mother wear a little girl’s tiara? In the end, were you a little impressed by how restrained and low-key the women’s gathering was after Russell’s death? It felt oddly respectful for Housewives. Or am I just drunk on pink? Are you confused by a Housewives season ending on a note of genuine solidarity? Did Kim get her full salary for this season?
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