The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: What Happens on Camera, Stays on Camera
The Housewives have a dance-off in Las Vegas, while back home Kim sobs and sobs to her sister.
The episode opened with Taylor and her best friend Leese sitting for a little lunch al fresco. Boy, pinky swears really are powerful! Taylor looked pale, but mostly recovered from her descent into Malibu-induced psychosis. She confided, in a jovial tone of voice, that she’d blacked out and had no memories other than Dedra’s flaring nostrils of the night. It’s just that her heart starts racing so fast and she can’t catch her breath and after two glasses of Pinot Grigio she needs someone to hold her hair back. At this point the waitress came by with a freshly uncorked bottle of white. “To me this look like a cry for help,” said Lisa. And when Lisa sees a flare of need in the air, she responds. Kyle can’t come to the bachelorette party so what would really make Pandora’s night special is a guest appearance by an emotionally unstable woman who may or may not hate her mother. Vegas, baby! A night away could do Taylor good. If s&@^ hits the fan, Lisa can lock her in a Planet Hollywood bathroom with a $3.95 buffet rib eye like the Hangover tiger. (Adrienne will have us all know that steaks at the Palms are only $3.50 and tubs in the suites are made of genuine Italian granite. And she would have sent Pandy and all her friends home with their own personal Playboy bunny waitresses if only Lisa had given her the chance.)
Let’s shift alliances now and have a spot of wine in Camille’s kitchen. “Do you want me to pour yours first?” Dedra clucked to Camille. “Is that too much? Have I told you lately that I love you?” Brandi popped over and the three decided that the best light was out on the garden wall. They all agreed Taylor was to blame for the botched belly dancing party. “She was glazed over,” said Camille. “She was glazed over,” parroted DD, the Lacey Chabert to Camille’s Rachel McAdams on this sunny morning. “Disconnected,” murmured Camille. “Disconnected,” agreed DD. Camille said some more things about Taylor had nobody to blame but herself and DD provided a weird echo chamber of support. What these women really can’t get over though is the fact that Taylor and Lisa were breaking pizza across town. Brandi wondered if perhaps Lisa was just being nice to a mess of a woman. “Makes Lisa look like the good guy,” snipped Camille. “She loves to spin it that way,” said Dedra. Have we learned nothing from this season ladies? You don’t go after the PumpkinPousse.
Paul and Adrienne bickered on the way to an inexplicable guest appearance on The Doctors. It drives Adrienne crazy when he’s hungry, when he skips breakfast, when he drives, when he wonders after the possibility of a candy, when his mouth opens and words come out. Such is the reality of being half of a power couple.
Kyle has a book? Well of course she does. She had to shoot the cover while Lisa and Taylor went chipmunk hunting. She wants to share everything in her memoir. Stories about marriage, parenthood, fashion, beauty… There had better be some fat, juicy chapter on growing up with Big Kathy in there or forget it. The book has been an enormous undertaking. Sometimes she finds herself
sending emails to her ghostwriter that Chapter 11 makes her sound mean writing at 2, 3 in the morning. So of course she wanted her sister’s support on the morning of the shoot. But our fragile bird wasn’t answering her phone and her outgoing message was a marvel of illogic. “I have lost all contacts so please do me a favor and leave your name and phone number. Please I don’t pick up voice mail so…” So….? So Kyle did a classier version of Sonja Morgan’s cover shoot, resplendent atop the counters in a red satin gown. Roxy! Portia!
NEXT: Lisa shags a Chipmunk.
While Taylor, Lisa, and a gaggle of nameless girls settled gleefully into their rooms, Adrienne opened the doors of the Real World suite to her friends. Here’s a quick formula: Brandi + Vegas = Fun. (Kim + Moving = Lifetime movie. Poor thing wrenched her neck lifting metalwork art so she’s not coming.) Bad news everyone: Dana was invited too. Oh, this woman. “So check this out,” she announced at dinner, heaving her necklace up off of her feather dress. “So it’s 125 carats of perfect diamonds and it unlocks and inside is the lollipop. It’s for sale for a million dollars.” This calls for Camille’s best sneering tone, which is completely justified when the subject is Dana’s obsession with price tags. “I can think of other things I’d put a million dollars into other than a lollipop holder.”
Like mother, like daughter. Lisa and Pandora had a bully of time gracefully heaving themselves in and out of the Planet Hollywood limo. (Point, Palms!) But they did get to go backstage and witness the Chippendales doing bicep curls and bow flexing before their big show. Lisa wonders if the Rippedmunks will be modest what with a mother-in-law and 40-year-old birthday girl sitting front row. “You’ll see some ass definitely,” a meat ball answered, “but we protect ourselves with what we call a cock sock.” (I think I know what Santa is bringing Ken and Giggy this year!) As the show kicked off, and neon drawers were dropped, and chaises were humped, Taylor went into a shrieking fit of convulsions. (Imagine if Redickulous had made a surprise appearance!) At the end Pandora, Lisa, and Taylor were brought on stage and somehow it was their job to give the men lap dances. Pandora did the Twist. Taylor made jazz hands. Only Lisa gave it a good rump shake and was rightly declared the crowd favorite. (Did I hear booing when a hand waved above Taylor? Yeesh.) Meanwhile Camille and Brandi gave each other lap dances. Dedra looked on from the side, squeezing her champagne flute so hard it shattered in her furious hand.
NEXT: Oh Kim. Give us a hug.
Back in Los Angeles, Kyle took her mother-in-law dress shopping at Kathy’s consignment store (?) for the White Party. In what seemed a genuine coincidence—is there such a thing on reality TV?—she bumped into Kim outside. Kim looked terribly unwell. “I don’t want to do that,” she whispered in Kyle’s ear after her sister called Estella over. “I don’t want to talk to her. ” Good and kind Estella asked after a grimacing Kim, but then crossed the line when she wondered where the girl had moved. Kim gave her a tight couple of nods, finally allowing “Not far.”
Kyle gracefully got rid of Estella and then sat Kim down. Her sister has never looked so desperately skinny, a spray tan and gobs of makeup doing little to mask her misery. Apparently Kim’s kids have taken the move hard, as unimpressed with their mother’s decision-making as Kyle.”Everybody’s wants the best for you,” said Kyle. “Really, then why can’t everybody be happy for me?” Kim cried. “If I say I’m happy then I’m happy.” As she cried Kyle started frantically blotting at Kim’s cheeks, a move I bet she learned firsthand from Big Kathy back when the girls were child stars. Kim’s review of Ken was indeed alarming: “He’s the kind of guy who it’s bedtime, it’s lights out. It’s not all my way, he’s the boss.” Run, girl. But she’s been alone for 18 years and it’s too hard. “I want to love someone like this and I want to love them back. I’m tired of walking in places alone. Sleeping alone.” For once Kyle said just the right thing at the right time. “Well then your kids are going to have to stick by you no matter what. We all will.” Her sister sobbed into her knees and then started hyperventilating. It was terrible and sad and your heart had to just break for the both of those girls.
NEXT WEEK: The White Party. “Are you kidding me?” “Are you kidding me!”
Well, boys and girls! Somebody assure me that Lisa will follow her initial instincts and not in fact wear a pink wedding gown on her daughter’s big day? Isn’t it interesting that Taylor screams whether she is delighted or hysterical? Do Adrienne and Paul even like each other? Did your heart bust open for cadaver Kim as her sobs turned to the wheezing gulps of a panic attack? Do you agree that Kyle handled herself well in this no-win situation?
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