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Taylor breaks down in Colorado; her worried friends push lip gloss and bite-sized appetizers on her.

By Karen Valby
Updated September 20, 2011 at 02:44 PM EDT
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Adrienne Housewives
Credit: Bravo

The episode opened back in the hot tub, beads of mist gathering ominously on Kyle and Taylor’s heads. The mood had taken a troubling turn. “You don’t need him to be okay,” Kyle assured her trembling friend. Dramatic music played in the background. Snow started falling. A staff of three had gathered in the kitchen, slicing scallions and raw meat. Camille snoozed behind a closed door. Taylor drank some more white wine. Storm a comin’.

Taylor should know by now that Kim needs her rest. But she was drunk and messy and needed to go to a safe place to dredge up some Oklahoma memories. So into Kim’s leopard-clad arms she pounced. “I would never bet on me. I grew up with nothing. We had nothing. We were so poor.” I read this Danielle Steel novel! Kim, that sleepy cutesie pie, assured Taylor that she was smart and capable and a hard worker. Not now, Kim. Doesn’t she realize this is Taylor’s time to riff? “It’s easy for me to be drawn to Adrienne because she has no problems,” Taylor moaned. “And you and I probably have similar problems.” Cut to a paralyzed Kyle, holding up her bath towel, wondering if the scene she’d just walked in on was heading South. Taylor sobbed to Kim that she had been an ass to her last season and Kim, with marvelous timing, replied “Yeah, I know.” Which set off some giggles and the inevitable teasing/tense exchange between the Richards sisters about which one of them was really owed an apology. Call it a draw, ladies, and Kim, send Mauricio a nice letter thanking him for being like a brother to you.

Time to eat and then get cozy under some cashmere blankets and watch Steel Magnolias! Uh oh. Taylor is hiding in Kim and Kyle’s closet, her emaciated frame accordioned into a suitcase. Don’t worry Kyle. Kim knows this drill. “Come on, we got to get you out of there, get you dressed, get some makeup on,” she said. Clap, clap, off we go. Oh Kim, maybe you too could be a life coach! This is nothing a little blush and gloss can’t fix. Except for the fact that some villain has stolen Taylor’s blue flowered makeup bag. (She blames Lisa, of course. Kyle blames the altitude and alcohol. Only Adrienne is willing to call a nervous breakdown a nervous breakdown.)

Taylor, swathed in black, staring under glassy hooded eyes into the mirror, looks terrifying. She will play your little games, she will endure whatever dog-and-pony show the ladies have planned. But do not mess with her toiletries. Somebody find that god dammed bag! The ladies twirled around searching furiously, bleating nonsense at each other, until the bag is found in Kyle’s bathroom. “Well I think you worked through it,” Kim sing-songed like Mary Poppins to a shuddering Taylor. “Pick up your bootstraps. Let’s get upstairs and eat.”

NEXT: Taylor has not in fact worked through it. Upstairs a drowsy Camille is dismayed to learn that another one of her dinner parties is headed into a ditch. Perhaps a juice glass of Coke and some lip gloss will help matters? Taylor submits her swollen mouth to Kyle’s wand but looks unconvinced. “And I’m putting on lip gloss for what?” she demands, which is actually a very rational question considering. Get that chuna chartare out of her face. She never eats. Adrienne takes Taylor aside and whispers for her to pull herself together in front of the camera crew. Don’t make Adrienne slap you, and she will if it means avoiding a scene. That poor waiter handed Taylor a glass of water and then backed slowly away from the cage. Kyle really looked worried for her friend but it’s just there were all these yummy appetizers being passed around and she got kind of distracted by the crab puffs.

Lisa, I love you, but absolutely no to that black lace shirt with those jeans.

At dinner, Taylor cried and cried some more. It was being in Mason’s room that triggered this all. It’s just that she loves her husband. Or maybe she doesn’t want to be alone. Innuendoes of abuse were dropped. Kim, desperate to change the subject, pretended she was a napkin magician. Bam! Bam! What if she stands up and says Bam! some more? Suddenly Taylor didn’t feel like the crazy one which gave her a second to compose herself. Back in Los Angeles, Mauricio, Ken, and Paul were toasting to the repair of Taylor and Russell’s marriage and for a pleasant vacation for their wives. Nice try, fellows.

Of course Adrienne’s hedges are cut to look like Xs. And of course she has a personal bodyguard named Johnnie. Johnnie and Paul worry that going to the last game of the Kings season is a bad call. The fans are agitated, drinks could be thrown. Adrienne will snap that drink in half and she will do the same to Paul if he ever dares muddy her business waters again. The two bicker; she wins. When they get to the airport to catch the private jet their invited guest Kim is nowhere to be seen. So they call Kim, who seems to have forgotten what planet she woke up on. When she finally realizes it’s Adrienne and Paul on the line, Kim warbles over her love of the nice airport and planes and she’s running a little late because of the power and it’s not like she could just draw a pony tail. Not for the Kings! Adrienne saves her by hanging up quickly. She wonders if her friend is still suffering from a cold, and glowers at Paul who insists, duh!, that the woman is drunk. Two steps forward Kim.

Next week: A gimpy Gianville on the scene. Paul will pay for calling her younger and prettier.

Well guys: Is Mauricio hotter with beard or clean-shaven? (Pfft! Like comparing newborn babies to labrador puppies.) How badly did you feel for poor Tracey who had to introduce her carrot soup to that table? Why do my friends question my judgment for liking Kyle so much? Do they not see her in the backyard with Portia picking up poops? I know money doesn’t buy you happiness but I swear an afternoon in Camille’s backyard would ratchet up my serotonin levels. I want lily pads! Does Taylor’s life coach realize the job she has on her hands? Okay, yes, Kim was mumbling all kinds of nonsense there at the end but she does seem pleasingly less loopy this season, don’t you agree? Don’t mess with her, Brandi.

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