Lisa takes it on the heavily powdered chin in the reunion's first installment.

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HOUSEWIVES BEVERLY HILLS
Credit: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo

My favorite time of every season has arrived. Reunion day, when the women gather on ridiculous sofas in their competing shades of jewel tones and try to explain away their various foibles and missteps. Camille and Kyle came dressed in vibrant reds. Taylor and Adrienne wore varying shades of plum, while Lisa appeared to be draped in navy velvet and diamonds. Kim was hopefully wearing comfy expensive cotton in rehab. Andy was backlit by a purple lightbulb and what appeared to be a stained glass window. Consider him their preacher, the man to whom they must confess. He got right to viewer questions (not our questions, which may have skewed more scathing and accusatory), on a sliding scale of light to heavy.

1) Does Adrienne wash other foodstuffs besides chicken with hand soap? Vegetables, yes. And she’s not apologizing for it either. Especially since her soap is antibacterial and organic. On a side note, her face looked particularly well-basted last night–like thick, golden turkey skin that crackles under your teeth.

2) Did Camille and Brandi make out in Vegas? Nothing beyond the lambada.

3) Butt implants, Lisa? Just tighter dresses. Some recappers say borderline too tight.

4) Was Pandora’s a million dollar wedding? More like 250, not that Lisa was spilling. Andy wondered if the wedding was more for Lisa than Pandora. Hush your tongue, Cohen! And the tiara? “I think it suits her, the tiara,” sniped Kyle. “Once a princess, always a princess,” snipped Adrienne. Ohhhh, so this was how the evening was going to go.

Speaking of Adrienne, she didn’t appreciate Lisa calling her dog Crack Pot. “That’s not nice!” she said. “To me that isn’t nice. That’s my child.” I can’t imagine I’d be offended.) Oh, and the Maloof Hoof comment? Really! What if Adrienne—snicker, snicker—called Villa Blanca Villa Caca? (Um, none of us would laugh?) Lisa didn’t do herself any favors by explaining it away as a cute comment about a “little, fat shoe.” And then reminding Adrienne that liked her shoe line and even wanted the pair of the pink shoes. Oh, there isn’t a pink shoe? Nude, whatever. (Pooed.)

Since we’re on the subject of Lisa’s (totally awesome, show-saving) humor, who else on the banquettes had beef? Kyle didn’t appreciate being called out for her attention-hungry splits.And by the way, when Kyle told Taylor that Lisa maybe, maybe preys on the weak, that was in retaliation for the splits dig. Alright Kyle, I’m your biggest defender, but that there’s crazy talk. (But good Lisa accent!) “Being in a friendship with you is like playing chess with Bobby Fischer,” Kyle said after Lisa’s apologies were rebuffed. “Are you saying she’s manipulative?” asked Andy. “I get nervous to be honest with you because I know that you’ll be angry with me now,” said Kyle. Well, that’s how it works honey when you say hurtful things about people. You don’t get to just heap accusations on your friend and get away scot-free.

NEXT: Unhinged Taylor montage.

Right turn alert! Andy took hold of the wheel and swung awkwardly away from the drama. How about a Beverly Hils bling montage? Inevitably this meant we had to see Dana making awkward gun fingers at her face again as she bragged about her $25,000 sunglasses. We saw the camels, the parties, Mohammed’s expensive girlfriend. The women in head towels as they beached themselves on Adrienne’s home spa equipment. On Andy’s prodding, Lisa revealed that she had Valentino dress in her closet worth 30,000 euros. Rather cruelly he then asked the group about money etiquette. “Is it a rule that no matter how much you spend on something you don’t discuss what you spend?” said Andy. (You fell into his trap, Lisa!).

Inevitably, Andy turned his attention on Taylor who up until then had sat there quietly. (Though in her mind, she was furious that Kyle hadn’t brought out her Bobby Fischer analogies at the tea party.). She’s hanging in there in the wake of Russell’s suicide. Her party date Dr. Sophy is there for her and Kennedy, checking in on them every day. And yes, he’s a psychiatrist, he just went to a DO school instead of an MD school. So back off Andy, she said with hard eyes and trembly chin. Taylor said she was so underwater with grief and shock that she could have given two figs whether or not the show aired after Russell’s death. Adrienne insisted that getting the message out there about domestic violence justified its airing. “I think the show saved your life,” Adrienne told Taylor. Camille thought no way, yank it for the sake of Russell’s children. And her feelings had nothing to do with the revelations she made at Lisa’s tea party.

Yikes, Camille really took it to the hoop with Taylor about said tea party. She was still steamed that Taylor had so singled out Camille for bringing her accusations against Russell out into the open. “I don’t really think it was private, because you told all of us,” Camille insisted. “And you don’t really go on a reality show if that’s happening in your private life.” Her eyes narrowed as she looked straight at the stunned woman. “So I would think about that a bit Taylor.” I’m not sure if Camille was being awesomely direct or overly aggressive, but it was probably the most honest moment of the hour. Andy largely glossed over the fact that nearly all of the women voiced aloud their suspicions over Taylor’s stories of the abuse all season, but Lisa did offer up that she once saw an “incredibly abusive” text. But then Camille and Taylor had a bit of a bonding moment sharing how they both understood feeling picked apart harshly by their partners—for smiling too much, not enough, talking too little, too much. Such erratic judgment ate away at a woman’s instinct, said Taylor, reducing her to a Stepford wife. Maybe that explains why Camille was so wretched last season?

Taylor still insisted that she had no clue what was in Russell’s threatening email to Camille. “I do think she knew, and let me tell you why,” said Adrienne. Apparently Brandi ran into Russell (in Vegas?) and he told her that he and Taylor had crafted the email together. Taylor said that she lost her phone in Vegas and that she’d rattled her husband’s horrifying Happy Birthday text. It all sounded awful but I’m not sure how any of this proved that she didn’t know of the email.

NEXT: Adrienne really, really doesn’t trust Lisa.

Oh God, did chef Bernie’s pinched expressions and vendetta against the British lady across the street really merit all that air time? Especially after Lisa’s revelation that the man had grown buddy buddy with Cedric. “Do you value your employee more than your friend?” Andy asked Adrienne. “I value both of them,” Adrienne insisted lamely. She explained that Bernie had told her some of the mean things Lisa had said about his food, which Lisa adamantly denied. She said that someone at Radar Online told her that Lisa regularly sold them tabloid stories, which Lisa adamantly denied. Lisa pledged on her children’s’ lives that she’s never done that once committed such a crass and venal act. But Adrienne was like a dog with a bone and wouldn’t let go. “I think that’s such a f—ing insult to say that to a friend,” Lisa finally, rightfully exploded. “And I’m so offended by that. It’s such a low blow, such a character assassination, and I’ve lost respect for a lot of this situation.” Adrienne kind of shrugged and looked a little sheepish. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said, which seemed like not nearly enough of an apology. Lisa had to eat crow for making a rhyming dig about Adrienne’s dumb shoes while Adrienne wouldn’t even accept Lisa’s pledges on Pandy and Max and Giggy’s lives that she didn’t sell them out to a rag? For shame.

Next week: Angry Spice!

Was Camille right to call Taylor out? Was Adrienne wrong to tear into Lisa like that? Has my TV friendship with Kyle finally reached its end? Is there any chance that we’ll get out of this reunion without having to listen to Dana? And if she is just waiting to pounce backstage, do you think she’s embarrassed by Kyle’s assertion that one doesn’t talk about their money?

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe

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