An arms-clenched Kennedy endured another birthday party; Camille wisely stayed home.

By Karen Valby
Updated November 22, 2011 at 02:52 PM EST
Evan Vestal Ward

The episode picked up once more at the now infamous tea party. The cords in Camille’s neck were still throbbing, her voice pointed and serious as she demanded some truth from Taylor. “You come over and you don’t have any signs of physical abuse on your body,” she said, her hands splaying across her taut chest. Whoa, said a clearly stunned Taylor. Uncool. “Yes, it’s really uncool, but you set it up Taylor.” You! You! Camille cleared out, and took my heart with her. Taylor looked frozen, more so than usual. Kyle just sat there, head bowed and voyeuristic eye cocked. Lisa appeared totally flummoxed, unsure of her hostess duties at this point. Bid adieu to a shaking Camille, ask an unhinged Taylor if she’d like more tea, or simply dive into Giggy’s pram while screaming for Ken to put an end to all the inelegance?

Instead she kneeled behind her sofa, as if seeking cover, and talked soothingly to her remaining guests. (Adrienne? Yo Adrienne!!!) Taylor just couldn’t believe that Camille went there. “Well you know what, it’s been skating around it for so long,” said Lisa. “As I said Taylor, I believed what you said about your marriage, to me, initially, that’s why I didn’t like him.” You didn’t like meeeee, whined Taylor. “I was confused by you,” Lisa corrected. But I neeeeeeeeded you, whined Taylor. Somehow a whimpery Taylor ended up forgiving Lisa, Lisa found herself at once humbled and comforted by their conflict and resolution, and Kyle sat there watching the whole thing unfold with her finger down her throat. “That’s resolved?” she gagged, her face twisted in disbelief. However harsh her response to Taylor and Lisa’s bats–t meeting-of-the-minds, there was genuine reason to be baffled. “We’re going to be friends,” pronounced Taylor, sounding like a Rebecca DeMornay character one act away from trying to murder the wife. “Pinky swear?”

Yikes! Okay, some quick hits: The stress of the Golden Gate Bridge artwork created a momentary rift between new roommates Kim and Ken. But there’s just no talking an Arabian horse out of her cockeyed decorating ideas. Speaking of decorating, Faye Resnick was desperate to get some color into the Umansky home but first Kyle needed to unload some of her confusion about Taylor’s tales of abuse. So Faye gave Mauricio and Kyle some helpful information about the psyche of battered women and a hungry Portia num nummed on a swatch of fabric.

We interrupt this recap for some Big Kathy Words of Wisdom: You never love a man as much as you love your children. That way you treat your children like appendages and the cycle of attachment and boundary issues remains unbroken!

NEXT: Buckle up cowgirls. It’s party time.

Who’s ready for a good old-fashioned county fair? Not Kennedy who stomped onto the grounds with her arms clasped tight over her chest, rebuffing her fellow cowgirl’s attempts to hold hands. Taylor looked on the verge of snapping from the get, as she looked around feverishly at everything that needed to be set up. Pony rides, fish tacos stand (?), a mechanical bull, a mechanical bull, did she already say mechanical bull? “What about the petting zoo?” she asked of her assistant, her voice quavering at the severity of the situation before her.

Don’t worry, Dana to the rescue! “Okay you guys, check out my cowboy gear!” the party planner extraordinaire entertainment coordinator tootled out annoyingly upon her arrival. “I like Dana waltzing in at Noon,” hissed Taylor, fingering the six shooter in her designer holster. “That’s great.” When a young man admitted he didn’t have any children’s party tables in his truck, Taylor came this close to having her second nervous breakdown of the year. (Was the first one at the tea party or have there been more?) But a magic gentleman named Jaime managed to not just produce tables but also the sun and a fringed suede vest for our hostess.

Taylor was just so happy to welcome 250 of her closest friends (see, Lisa!) to Kennedy’s 5th birthday party. And despite her saying she was ecstatic for her daughter to experience some of the homespun goodness of her roots, something tells me this Malibu ranch party, dotted with jumpy houses and rainbow lollipops and happy bushels of balloons, is not indicative of Taylor’s Oklahoma experience. What’s that, yonder? Mauricio in a cowboy hat. Giddyup!

Everyone blanched upon seeing Russell, who was clenching his jaw in anticipation of presenting his daughter with her skittish birthday present. (I give that horse four months tops.) Luckily Ace Young was there as a pleasant distraction. Who’s Ace Young? I have no idea, nor does Mauricio or Kyle. Was Dana’s stepson also on American Idol? Are these guys big in Thailand? Ace was Dana’s gift to Kennedy, but Mama seemed to enjoy him most of all. “It’s killing me how cute you are,” she giggled at him, while he leered drunkenly at her. She’s an old woman, for God’s sake! Careful Ace. A) She’s off her rocker. B) She’s off her rocker.

NEXT: Just a whole bunch of bull s–t.Kim showed up and alarmed us all by heading straight for the mechanical bull. It flopped her wiry little body around and around but our girl did her best to hang on, all the while Kyle intoning in the background about her efforts to let her sister make her own mistakes from now on. In this scenario, does the bull represent Kyle or Ken or Kim’s wobbly life? It definitely doesn’t represent Brandi because Brandi means nothing to Kim. She doesn’t exist. Poof, be gone. Brandi tried to say hello but Kim looked through her and twisted a party napkin up her nose. “Awkward,” said Dana after Brandi hobbled off. Then Dana knelt down on the grass by Kim’s feet and asked the former child star if she had any more hilarious stories about growing up on the Disney lot.

This happened: Portia went on a pony ride. And the pony had a purple unicorn horn poking through its little forelock. And Portia wore a mini cowboy hat.

It’s a good thing Camille didn’t show up because Taylor would have made her muck out the valley. Camille can send all the texts she wants—I’m gathering Los Angelenos rely more on texting important, emotional information than the rest of the world does—but it won’t repair the damage done. “As far as I’m concerned she is done with me,” said Taylor, who mixed up that equation but is probably right on the money. Kyle sat down at Adrienne’s table to discuss their fractured Ya Ya sisterhood in the wake of Camille’s scorching on-camera revelations. Yeah, yeah, whatever. “I’m upset because Lisa didn’t come to me for her daughter’s engagement party to stay at the Palms,” said a huffy Adrienne. Planet Hollywood—of course Lisa and Ken are friends with the creator—totally trumps accusations of domestic abuse. So now Adrienne feels very unsupported, especially considering all the wan plates of tuna tartare and pee stained banquettes she and Paul have suffered through at Villa Blanca. Luckily Lisa was safely at home planning for Pandora’s her big day.

Across the party a child, marooned at the bottom of the obscene haul of presents, cried for help. Poor thing will have nightmares of American Girl dolls trying to bury her alive for the rest of her days. Kennedy needed four replacement cowgirl tutu dresses to help ease her out of a pout. “Kennedy’s having fun,” Taylor told us, despite all evidence to the contrary. “She has all of her friends there, there’s lots to do and it’s a great day.” But Russell suddenly stopped having fun when Taylor and Dana dared suggest that they do the cake and song at three instead of four. Unacceptable. “Dana, would you relax,” he said, staring coldly through the entertainment coordinator. “We have a very nice gift.” Family photo time! Oh sweet misery, that was a sad trio pretending for the cameras.

Portia dear, I wore the same expression of mesmerized glee watching Paul bellyflop on and off that bull.

What does Kennedy have to do to express her disdain for elaborate birthday parties? Mauricio on a bull? (Yes!) Is Adrienne being ridiculous about Pandy’s Planet Hollywood party? Planet Hollywood still exists? Should Brandi just give up when it comes to Kim? Should Dana just give up? Taylor isn’t so far gone that she actually believes that horse is a person, right? And that she in fact still does have the bigger lips of the two?

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