The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: No Such Thing as a Clean Slate
At Adrienne's fashion show, Taylor has an awkward run-in and Lisa is confronted over her Planet Hollywood betrayal.
The good news is that Pandora didn’t go with the Cadillac-sized hot pink box invitations. The bad news I suppose is that she went with a more “modest” box festooned with swan feathers. The worst news is that all these years of watching Housewives has pickled my brain so much that I thought “cute! fun!” when I saw them. Poor Madamderpump was feeling under the weather which meant, strangely, that instead of wearing an XL Giants henley and some grey sweatpants she rocked a little black dress and diamonds. At least Giggy got to wear pajamas.
The 1% moved from the sitting room to the kitchen where they sampled exploding pink cocktails while the caterer smoked his head with liquid nitrate. Giggy sampled the lamb appetizer. Kevin pushed Lisa to splurge on the shi shi shi tartare. Ken sat there looking befuddled, wondering when he would be excused so he could nap in his pram. Pandi suggested they skip the cotton candy at the reception which opened the door for Lisa to do her best imitation of Taylor’s spun sugar BJs. (Taylor should teach a class! Kyle won’t attend!) Jason assured his bride that the Housewives would never dare squabble at something as sacred as a wedding. Oh sweet boy, so naive.
Adrienne is launching a shoe line, because she can. And while Louboutin may have the red bottom, the Maloof Hoof (thanks Lisa!) will be festooned with a shiny coin and a
diamond bedazzled rhinestone glued onto the sole. Because what girl doesn’t love diamonds? Or bursitis! Looking at those six+ inch heels made my Achilles whimper in terror.
It was wholly jarring to see Taylor and Russell settle down in some cozy leather chairs for a therapy session. Charles Sophy certainly seemed like a good egg, and I appreciated his work on Celebrity Rehab, but doesn’t a “Doctor of Osteopathy” specialize in joint pain? (Osteopaths, forgive me if I’ve offended.) The Armstrongs held fingers during the session, as Taylor told the good doc “we clearly love each other.” Clearly. Russell seemed pleasant, if overly convinced of their ability to seal the deal. “The good news is there’s nothing that’s happened in this marriage that neither one of us could not recover,” he said confidently. He knew he wasn’t perfect, what with the neglect and the demands of his work. “When you get angry…” prompted the doctor. Right, right. “Do you know when you’re getting angry?” the doctor probed. Possibly right now. Taylor started tearing up and wondered about the possibility of a quick fix. “Can you just have a clean slate today and go forward and build from there?” The doc looked at her kindly, and then gently asked her to come sit at the grown-ups table. “I appreciate that but unfortunately you can’t because that’s kind of immature.” Then Russell had to bail because he had a meeting and the audience was freed from the ghoulishness of the whole scene.
NEXT: Adrienne frets over her fashion show.Taylor organized a fun little manicure date with Kyle and Brandi but then balked at the last minute. Which meant Brandi had to once again approach a Housewives encounter without her supposed ally in tow. (Poor Brandi. Next time a Housewife invites you to do something, bring your own backup.) But the afternoon was a civil one, with Kyle giving sisterly pouts when Brandi described again the spiral she was thrown into when her husband of eight years-together-for-thirteen left her for Leann Rimes. Anyways, she’s putting together a party in Malibu and with her bad foot, badminton is out as an activity. So what if she invited a porn star over to teach all the women how to give better BJs? (Just remember, we don’t think you’re a slut, Brandi. But the ammunition you offer up…. ) “Hopefully we already know?” said Kyle, who then primly balked at the idea on behalf of her lady friends. Buzz kill.
The Virgo in Adrienne was making her very nervous about the preparations for her fashion show. Would 19 valets be enough? Would Debra Messing show? And for the love of, would the champagne for the toast be appearing on her left or right side? Meanwhile, Russell waited at the bottom of the stairs for his wife, nudging her that the car was already outside waiting for them. “You know that I’m hardly ever late,” she said icily, striding down the stairs in a scary black floor-length dress. Hide, dalmatians! Russell told her in his inarticulate way that she looked beautiful to which she replied “Thanks!” in her overly tinny, affection-less manner. In the limo, she expressed her surprise that her husband had changed his mind about accompanying her to the party. But it was then revealed that Taylor had told him something about Camille’s revelations and perhaps Russell just wanted to keep his friends close and his enemies closer. “She said some things that are blatantly false about you and I and it’s not right,” he sighed. Russell and Taylor, stuck in their tangled web.
Adrienne greeted Lisa Vanderpump and her little dog too with some severe chill. “Giggy, my pal, my friend,” she said with disdain. Adrienne quickly led a caught off-guard Lisa aside so she could express her hurt feelings over the whole casino mess. Lisa tried to explain herself, saying it was an old family friend who’d offered to host, he’d done the same thing for Pandora’s fiancé, she wouldn’t have wanted to impose. “You’ve asked for other things,” insisted Adrienne. “You’ve asked to get your wine into our casino.” Of course the wine may never have made it into The Palms but Lisa did ask. Abort Adrienne. Lisa was sorry that her friend was miffed, even if she held strong to the notion that she’d never meant to cause offense. And now, about that wine…
NEXT: Taylor and Camille come face to face.
After the tea party debacle, Camille made sure to bring her publicist to Adrienne’s shindig. Later she joined her buddies in the bathroom — apparently Adrienne’s powder room is as big as the ones at Macaroni Grill — while a clueless Taylor waited at the door. Out popped Camille, which caused Taylor to turn round and round in flustered circles. But there was no escape so Camille and Taylor exchanged some meaningless pleasantries until Camille wisely bolted. But that brief encounter was enough for Taylor to experience terrible stomach pains. Good thing she has Wendy for a friend. “I’ve discovered I’m a bitter, angry, tired, bitchy woman,” the woman happily announced. To self-awareness!
It was almost time for Adrienne to take the podium. She got a nice pep talk from the director of Step Up, which left Adrienne confident that she was proving to girls everywhere that with enough hard work and devotion and 150 years of passed-on wealth they too could launch a vanity line of high heels. When Adrienne took the stage, Paul cat-called “Great dress!” which probably hurt his wife’s feelings. How could he have chosen that time to compliment her gown instead of her shoes? “Get ready to rock and roll,” Adrienne said in a weird unenthusiastic monotone. The show started, there was but a few glimpses of glittery heels. The shoes for the most part remained hidden beneath floor-length gowns, including Adrienne’s.
Afterwards Adrienne allowed the Housewives a quick glance at her peep toe before insisting the night was about Step Up and she didn’t want to be too showy, and look over there, Felicity Huffman! With that deprecating attitude, the Maloof Hoof could possibly be doomed. Which would make more space in the market for the VanderPump said Lisa, rubbing her hands together like Mr. Burns. The twist of Lisa’s line will be that the shoes are designed for dogs alone and the diamonds will be real. And none of them will come in Jackpot’s size.
In the Valley, Kim eyed the Golden Gate Bridge warily and wondered if it should be moved an inch to the left.
Next week: Lord help us. Taylor’s nervous breakdown #4.
Well, friends: Is there always a bed of perfect roses piled atop Lisa’s breakfast table? Does Brandi have that peekaboo dress in white too? Was Adrienne unfairly hard on Lisa? Do you just assume Bravo spares us scenes of Russell and Taylor?
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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe