At the grand opening of SUR, Kim locks herself in the bathroom while Taylor and the other women have a Housewives therapy session.

By Karen Valby
Updated January 17, 2012 at 05:35 AM EST

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

S2 E19
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Oy, what a night. The episode started off so promisingly, with Lisa strutting around SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant), swinging her bottom around in those jaunty jeans! Ken grabbed at her for a little tickle before she went home to change and she handily shrugged the old cat off. “You can have your cuddle… next year,” she laughed. Rich people are fun!

Harsh toke coming. “Ken and I decided to um get a hotel closer into town… so we wouldn’t be making the drive… after the party.” So… wasted. Welcome to Kim and Ken’s tragic hotel room, littered with fabric and makeup and soda cans. Ice dammit, get her some ice! Kim was getting her makeup done while Ken shuffled around in the background, waiting for more orders delivered in a passive aggressive baby voice. Kim rooted around in her bottomless gold sack—close-ups into that thing would have been a bad idea—until she found her party trick. Isn’t this light-up pulsing lip gloss just the funniest darn thing you ever did see?. “I don’t know if it’s for your neck, your wrist, I couldn’t believe it,” she said, vamping for her bored European makeup artist. Then she barked at Ken to make sure she remembered to bring it that night because it’s not at all an awkward conversation starter and waving a vibrator around at a cocktail party will finally get her nagging sister off her back.

I didn’t predict chemistry between these two at the start of the season, but Lisa and Brandi are frankly adorable together. “Here comes trouble!” Lisa cat-called as Brandi arrived in a skinny red dress. Lisa promised not to untie this number and groused some more about Brandi’s towering height. “There’s my boyfriend!” she teased when she saw that charming old mushroom. Lisa pretended to be perturbed by his hanging around the leggy one and Ken gave a little shrug. (You always know what the man is thinking—when he’s bored, when he’s boiling over, when he’s being silly, when he’s sleepy—and yet he never changes expression!) “I’m too short for her,” he assured Lisa. “How about too married for her, did you happen to forget that?” she barked back good-naturedly. And if a waitress named Scheana banged Brandi’s husband well then by God Lisa will show the girl politely to the door. Now that that louse Cedric is gone—or is he?—can Brandi and her two boys move into the VanderMansion? Imagine the family dinners!

Adrienne took tiny steps into the restaurant and seemed unable to move her neck. Bernie followed not far behind and Lisa unintentionally paid him back for a season of twitchy sneers. “Now I know I know him,” she said, after he air-kissed past her, “but I don’t know how I know him.”

NEXT: Cedric wishes Lisa nothing but love. The kind wrapped around a glittering sheath.

At the Hotel Despair—they can check out any time they like, as long as one of them has a working credit card—Kim coughed and rooted around in her suitcase like a homeless person. Ken assured her he packed her nylons. Also, he’s going to have to urge her away from the ratty shoes and insist that she wear a bra. “He likes to be and know where I am at all times,” she said. “He likes to know what I’m wearing and where I’m going at all times.” Yikes, he sounds really creepy when Kim describes him like that. And yet out of private interviews it seemed like she was the aggressor of the two. “Thanks for hanging my stuff babe,” she hissed at one point, while he laid on the bed, shrouded in the misery of what his life had become.

Oh Kim, you should have ordered a room service hamburger or something. The weight of the evening, and the prospect of seeing Kyle again for the first time since Hawaii, was too much for her to bear. (She’s a Virgo.) So she slowly drooped to the bathroom floor and looked confusedly at the shower curtain. She pawed some more at various purses, with Ken growing increasingly agitated by the fact that she was unraveling in front of a production crew. “I can take my medicine,” she insisted. “Come on, why do you have all that stuff in your hands?” he barked behind closed doors. “Jesus Christ. Here, just give it to me in the towel.” Weird jostling noises, possibly him yanking Kim up off from the floor. “Put it in that shopping bag,” she snapped. “Shopping bag! This is ridiculous. I hate the pressure.” My guilty pleasure night of TV has gone so dark.

Back at the party, Kyle bemoaned trying on bathing suits while Mohamed’s girlfriend Julia stared dead-eyed down at her from modeling picture in the dressing room. Julia stared dead-eyed at Kyle throughout her story. RuPaul explained to Paul that we are all in drag, but Paul was too busy checking out his ex to pay attention. Kyle’s breasts almost popped out of their harness when an obsequious Cedric approached the bar. This guy, what a load of nerve. Handle him, Lisa! She coolly asked the germ to leave. “Now is not the time or place,” he said, as if it was his call. “I don’t wish you any harm but guess what, worse than that, I don’t wish you anything at all,” said Lisa. Why was he there? Who invited him? “It wasn’t me, I swear!” piped up poor Brandi from the bar. Finally, Cedric oozed on back from whence he came, with Ken following sheep dogging him all the way out to the sidewalk. Poor Lisa, driven to guzzle her glass of rose.

NEXT: Does your therapist go with you to parties?

Taylor asked Dr. Sophy to chaperone her to SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant) that evening. This is all kinds of crazy on multiple levels, and I’ve got many questions below. Before they left, Taylor showed off Kennedy’s rewards chart like she was a child showing Daddy her latest art project. “I think I need a reward chart,” said Taylor. “Brushed my own teeth today.” I don’t know what to say about this sad woman anymore. I don’t always trust her, but I think she’s genuinely fragile and wounded. Maybe it’s for the best that she has a traveling therapist. Though how much does a doctor charge for extended limo rides? Is it extra when there’s a camera crew or multiple Housewives in a session? When he wasn’t talking with Taylor at the party was he flirting with Brandi or dissing Dr. Drew to Brandi’s friend Jennifer? Did he drink? Or at least help himself to a lobster claw? Could he have worked double duty and tried to coax Kim out of the bathroom by talking her down in his soothing sotto voce?

I’m jumping ahead. Kim first had to get to the party, which meant a limo ride full of buttons and used Kleenex and discarded bras. When they arrived, Ken looking like Private Ryan when he got out of that car, Kim was greeted by Bette. The sisters still share a manager?! How could this be? Kim whispered into Bette’s ear not to let Kyle near her. And then she tumbled through the front door, asking everybody if they wanted to hear about her pink lip gloss. Kyle and Mauricio came up and gave Kim and Ken an awkward greeting. Kim, flustered by the whole scene, turned her back on them and threw her arms around a woman I’m guessing she’s never met before.

As Kim made her weirdly peppy way into the party, Ken poked her in the back and grumbled for her to stay close to him because he lost her somewhere in the last five feet. Kim nodded with disinterested scorn and then threw her arms around Paul and Adrienne, whispering in their ears that she wanted them to adopt her. Suddenly Kim pulled Adrienne aside and confessed that she was moving out. I’m guessing Ken doesn’t know. (Though this explains the explosion of luggage back at the hotel.) “He’s got a very mean, bad side,” Kim whispered to Adrienne. “He’s like ‘Who the f— are you on the phone with? You’re a f—ing liar.'” Adrienne was out of there, and immediately begged for Kyle to take her place in the conversation.

NEXT: Group therapy session.

Kyle rather peevishly approached Kim and asked her if she needed to talk. Kim told Ken to sit and stay and then brought Kyle outside. Once she had Kyle all to herself she unloaded. She spends her days crying and Ken puts her down and he tells her hair looks bad and her toes are weird and that she’s a lost soul. So Kyle started crying and Kim weirdly looked like she’d gotten some kind of fix. “I wanted so badly to not be alone anymore,” Kim cried, scooping her hair into a high pony tail. “I’m so mad at you too!” she cried. Kyle tried to get Kim to have an adult conversation, though at this point had deteriorated back onto the subject of their enmeshed relationship. “You know I always want you to be happy, whether I want to strangle you or not,” Kyle told her sister, who’d gotten distracted by the pretty flower on the table. Kim thinks the problem is Kyle wants her to be sophisticated. Kyle said she just wants her to take some responsibility for her life.

Those grown-up words rattled Kim so she decided to drop another bomb. She’s late. Kyle gasped. Like, three months late. Kyle shook her head and suggested the possibility of menopause. Yeah, drawled Kim, she probably shouldn’t have another child. Maybe she’ll travel or get a kitty, she said, pulling at her hair as she dreamt of possible cat names. Ken heaved himself into a chair, while Mauricio sat behind Kyle. Kim and Kyle stared hard at each other and silently passed a lip gloss—not that lip gloss!—back and forth like a secret. Listen, I’ve got an older brother. Is the sister bond always this intense and weird?

Dr Sophy advised Taylor to take a deep breath before entering the restaurant and then promptly arranged a session with the Housewives. “So over the last six months I’ve been acting like a crazy person,” began Taylor, which seemed like the right place to start. “I started to act out all over the place and I’m just sorry.” Lisa and Kyle looked ready to cry. Camille sat there stone-faced. Adrienne on the other hand had a bone to pick. The lawsuit. Lawsuit! Friends don’t threaten friend’s money. “Do you get angry at her, do you get frustrated with her?” Sophy prompted. Adrienne gave Sophy her best “bish please” face when he asked for them to listen to what Taylor had to say. Adrienne insisted that Camille deserved an apology. “She blamed me!” Camille agreed. “She said that I put her family in jeopardy.” “I take ownership for all of it,” said Taylor, which finally seemed to appease Adrienne. Group hug! Across the party, Kim finally stumbled out of the bathroom doing the cha cha.

Oh no, Ken heard that Brandi called him a gay bull mastiff in Hawaii. You know, a gay giant dog. He wasn’t pleased. We all needed the laugh, so thanks again for all you do Brandi.

Next week: The wedding! And terribly awkward, hastily assembled footage following Russell’s death.

Can we just agree not to even discuss Cedric any further? Do even the biggest Kyle haters now have some sympathy for her after seeing Kim’s behavior last night? Does Dr. Sophy charge by the hour? Was Adrienne a little too bullish with Taylor, and did it seem weirdly driven by concerns over protecting her money? How sad is Dana that she didn’t get invited to Lisa’s party? How pissed is Jill Zarin that Kyle booked that TurboTax commercial?


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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
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