The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: When Brandi Met Faye
The fall-out continues from Brandi's mysterious revelation about Adrienne's family. Meanwhile I propose a ban on Faye Resnick.
Mauricio’s party was officially a bust. “I’m really, really pissed,” hissed Adrienne on her way out the door, after accusing her nemesis of being a crock pot crazy druggie. “And not only that…you watch.” Watch as Brandi files a countersuit? Taylor was so shaken by Paul’s outburst that she couldn’t stop her Tiffany-blue nails from trembling. (“This is not about you Taylor,” her good friend Kyle snapped in private. “Moving on.”) Kim may have made a bad judgment call spilling the beans to her buddies at the party but she did a good job holding her ground. And she was coherent enough to recognize that it was Kyle who instigated this whole mess in the first place by drawing Brandi out at SUR to spill on her beef with Adrienne. So as Kyle whined that this was neither the time nor the place Kim looked at her with a mixture of boredom and disdain. “Heard you. Five times. Done that. Blah!” Cut to Kyle carefully insisting that she is “extremely happy that my sister is sober” but that she still wants to be able to ride the high horse no matter what the situation. “Well it was wrong to do that here,” she tried insisting one more time to Kim’s retreating back. “Well that’s your feeling,” said Kim. “There! Done!” Kim’s therapist would be so proud.
Meanwhile Taylor got that scary gleam in her eye which meant she was about to go passive aggressive on a Housewife’s ass. Isn’t it interesting, she wondered aloud, how these women love hauling out skeletons from other people’s closets. Perhaps it’s only she who would never ever do something like that. (Unsettling flashback to the tea party where she tried to disembowel Lisa.) Kyle and Camille looked at her as if she was a rash. Well she’s just saying that there are “plenty of things in people’s private lives that should not be talked about.” Camille groaned but didn’t take the bait. In her private interview though Camille succinctly pointed out that Brandi had outed a family issue that Adrienne always held private, whereas Taylor apparently liked to blab to anyone who would listen about her marital nightmare. “Big difference,” she said. “Huge!” Cut to Camille finishing her Rodeo Drive shopping spree and then telling Richard Gere back in the hotel bathtub about Kelsey Grammar’s small wee wee.
The one charming moment of the night, per usual, happened at Villa Rosa. Ken was recuperating nicely from his hip surgery, enough so that he was able to spend the day goosing his wife. Lisa, wearing her ill-fitting yet somehow still adorable boyfriend jeans, was busy in the driveway tending to the new gates. “Forget about the gates,” Ken sighed into her cellphone. “What about the tea? You’re not going to make me some tea? Darling? Have we got any biscuits left? When I was in the hospital somebody has eaten all of my biscuits.” One question: Where was Giggy during all of this? Shouldn’t he have been curled into the nook of Ken’s arm wearing matching convalescent wear?
I love that Kim’s involvement this season mainly involves scenes of relaxation treatments and betterment. No unnecessary tension for her! She’s a completely different woman than we’ve seen the last two seasons and hats off to her. Once she got herself out of Mauricio’s eventful event the only other time we saw her again was on the reformer at Pilates Plus! with her two beautiful daughters. She was getting ready to take her son to Las Vegas for his 21st birthday, apparently a Richards tradition, and was trying to set herself up to succeed. That meant lots of facials and salt rubs and in-room AA meetings. And not inviting her trigger Kyle to come along.
NEXT: Who really is the pit bull here?
Portia is going to have to step it up big time if she’s going to continue endearing her mother to the audience. That means she must appear at all times in either a leotard or a ruffly bikini or maybe wearing a unicorn bicycle helmet. There she was lolling on her parents’ bed hearing about her parent teacher conference (I want details!) when a crabby Mauricio came home from what must have been a long day explaining away his crazy wife and her crazy friends to his clients. Kyle revealed her plans to host a dinner party to show off her nearly finished dining room and that Brandi was on the guest list. Mauricio was not psyched. Not one bit. “I’m pissed. I think she’s disgusting. I can’t believe you’re inviting her.” Do you hear that hissing in the wind, readers? That is the sound of the internet turning on their once-beloved Mauricio. Perhaps he too should heed my advice and spend the rest of the season, regardless of context, in a bathing suit. He thinks Brandi has a toxic mouth that runs on gossip. Cut to Kyle meeting Faye for a good gossip session. A) Faye loves Kyle in the color salmon. B) Kyle and Faye hate Brandi. What’s with all these women talking such s— on each other, they wondered. “That’s a mean girl mentality,” said Faye. “These are not girls, these are like, pit bulls,” said Kyle. Cackle, cackle, cackle.
The remarkably named Scheana, the Villa Blanca waitress who predated LeAnn Rimes in Eddie Cibrian’s pants, dropped some food off at Villa Rosa. Did the boss lady think it appropriate for her to stay and talk with Brandi? Not now, cried Lisa, who couldn’t stomach the idea of a scene. At least not before the premiere of Vanderpump Rules! It’s a good thing Lisa swept Scheana out the door because Brandi arrived looking unhinged. “I have so much anxiety,” she said. “Look, I’ve been picking at my face.” I really relate to this woman. Lisa excels at talking this deceptively fragile woman in off the ledge and once again she tapped the brakes on Brandi’s fight or flight instinct. “Why do you feel that they’ve treated you so badly?” she calmly wondered. Brandi said her head felt jumbled and she had a hard time articulating her grievances but she knows that Adrienne and Paul planted a story about her the day after Mauricio’s party. And considering the number of times I’ve read Chef Bernie’s inflammatory headlines on Radar I do believe that Adrienne spoon-fed that story about Brandi’s supposed drunken, mean girl antics. Lisa advised a level head, an attitude of alert indifference—two things very much out of Brandi’s wheelhouse. Then she fetched Ken to show off gnarly scar on his little pale leg to amuse Brandi out of her funk.
Suddenly there was a scene of Yolanda bounding up her stairs, and then being encouraged by a very fit 57-year-old man to hold the railing on the way down. There were burpees and tricep dips and more luxury work-out wear. Does Yolanda spray tan? Are her breasts real? Is it fun working out in a den? “Gravity’s starting to set in baby,” she told her trainer. “I saw my daughter on the runway the other night….” There’s no way this sentence could possibly end well. “Everything’s so tight, the butt, the legs, the lips…” She just wants to live, she must have the fountain of youth, she must eat Kristen Stewart’s heart like a slab of sashimi. “Wait, you’re like 28, right?” oozed Dale. Oh Dale. Yolanda’s goal is to be married to David Foster longer than any of his three ex-wives so she needs another 25 years on this Earth with a tight ass.
NEXT: Where’s your electronic cigarette, Faye?
On the night of her party Kyle put the finishing touches on her predictable outfit. Black rhinestone encrusted jumpsuit, check. Double wide elastic rhinestone superhero bracelets, activated. Is this the first time we’ve met trial Housewife Marisa Zanuck? She’d be beautiful if her skin wasn’t so stretched tight and glycerine smooth. Beverly Hills women: It’s the freckles, the laugh lines, a face’s character that is the stuff of true beauty. Do not fear an expression! Brandi needed an extra shot of confidence to walk back into the lioness’ den so she went with another animal print vest. At Kyle’s house she loomed over the other women like a flamingo in a circle of hens. Marisa was a tourist looking up at Brandi’s Empire State Building.
“My dining room is exactly what I want and love,” said Kyle as Lisa looked around in quiet disbelief at all the glass shelves and pussy willow wallpaper and shiny rose-colored curtains. Brandi started off well, saying she assumed Adrienne’s place card would have trumped hers, but within seconds she was snarking on Adrienne’s made-up book deal. It obviously came from a place of defensiveness but it’s these moments of pettiness that undermine all of the good will she’s built up. “She’s been horrible to me and that’s just what it is,” said Brandi. “What was done to you that you’re so upset about?” demanded Faye. Brandi alleged that Adrienne called her to the Polo Lounge to discuss going against Lisa before the reunion. That sounded snaky enough but hardly a good enough reason to throw a grenade into the Maloof pool. But Faye clearly wasn’t here to stand up for Adrienne, and instead wanted Brandi to roll over for past tensions with Kyle. Send flowers, primly suggested Camille. Call and apologize, insisted Kyle. This made Lisa snort, and point out that Kyle was hardly the apologizing type after last year’s game night debacle. Kyle started wagging her finger at Lisa, which gave Faye an opportunity to take her bullhorn back in Brandi’s face.
“Forget the flowers, send her an orchid,” she said. Not going to happen, said Brandi, and none of your business for that matter. “Excuse me, it’s everybody’s business at this point,” said Faye. It’s America’s business! “I kind of agree with Brandi,” said Marisa, which was as unexpected as Yolanda’s workout montage. Welcome Marisa! “You don’t even know Brandi, you don’t even know Brandi,” Faye said, inelegantly shutting her down. Then she really hit Brandi with a fusillade of unrequested analysis: “I think you attack people a lot, I think you probably need a lot of attention. You say things that are hurtful. I just think that you’ve been hurt a lot and you have to viciously attack people.” Brandi maintained that she will come back at you when attacked, which admittedly is becoming a tired line of defense. “And now you’re going to start attacking me,” said Faye, clueless or self-absorbed enough not to realize that she in fact had been on the attack for the last 20 minutes. “I’m very well aware of what’s going to happen here.” Brandi then did something completely out of character. She both read the writing on the wall-paper (“You’re doing this for attention”) and then gracefully excused herself from a bummer evening. Kyle dramatically rubbed her temples and pretended to be upset.
Next episode: Scheana and Brandi meet; compare spring break tattoos.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills