Kyle opens her new store, Kim explains her odd behavior in Paris, and Yolanda does not in fact call Taylor an a--hole

By Karen Valby
Updated March 12, 2013 at 01:24 PM EDT
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The Paris adventure ended on a benign note. The gang boarded a boat and appreciated the flattering light. At dinner Brandi’s parents Ken and Yolanda doted on her like it was her 16th birthday. Lisa looked especially like a Charlie’s angel in Jaclyn Smith waves and feather earrings. Yolanda gave Brandi a pair of awful turquoise heels whose straps wrapped up her legs like a snakeskin ACE bandage. Kim looked extremely bored and then gave an inarticulate toast thanking everybody for sharing the experience of Paris with her experience. Giggy stamped his little front paws on the table and demanded faster service.

Back home Marissa approached Kyle wondering if Mauricio might want to sell her recently deceased father-in-law Richard Zanuck’s 18,000 square foot, 11,000 of it devoted to a foyer, house? Kyle gracefully resisted grinning like a wildcat as she did calculations in her head. Once Mauricio got a look at the grand estate, which resembles more of university, he suggested they list it for $23 million. The $7 million worth of trees they’ll sell off separately at the Santa Monica farmer’s market. Meanwhile Kevin Lee Shee Shee Shee tootled on over to Lisa’s to start planning their housewarming/vow renewal ceremony.

But the funniest bit of the evening was Yolanda and David’s photo shoot for an unnamed Asia magazine.David only had an hour to cough up for this deal, what with Barbra waiting, and Yolanda was nervous he was going to frown upon her curled hair. Instead he reserved his judgment for her sequined, mesh tentacle dress. “Touch her, David,” the photographer instructed as the rich couple hovered together on an expensive sofa. Like a minor character in Superbad, David pretended to cop a feel of his wife’s headlights. Later the couple draped themselves on a stairway. David was just going with the mood I guess and presented his tie to Yolanda’s mouth. So she gave it a little kiss which made him frown at the invisible smudge on the fabric. Oh Yolanda, does he deserve you?

NEXT: Dana’s back, and she’s smoking on camera now.

But the episode lacked juice. There was no tension, no provocateur. The producers needed something to create drama, but what? Their backs against the wall they were forced to reach out to the person they’d long since cut from their ranks. It had come to this. “I received a call from an old friend who’s been having a difficult time with a breakup,” said Taylor. Hmm, intriguing. Oh God, not that nasal sneer of a voice. The mean yet desperate laugh. The spray tan! Yep, there was Dana marooned on a sofa, three sheets to the smoke-dense wind. That man Brandi told her was probably no good and everyone ripped her a new one for saying so? He’s no good. Which means Dana is back on the market and she’s hungry for any man in Ed Hardy. “Ohmygod, it’s the best,” she bragged. “What, why, get out there and get going! It’s so good. I might be the only person in our group getting laid.” Oh honey, you still think you’re in the group. “Ken twice a year. No, I imagine Lisa like ‘Oh my god darling may I politely suck your penis please?'” Impressed yet? Cuz she’s just getting started.

“I drink a lot, and I’m okay with it. And I f– a lot, and I’m okay with it too. Just so you know.”Give her a second to get a good hit off her Kool. Drinking and f–ing is cool and all, but our Dana has seen some hard times thanks to that fink ex of hers. “My Lamborghini, he told me to drop it at the mechanic, he didn’t want to pay for it anymore. My birthday present? House of cards. All of it.” Yay, whatever, Brandi may have been right all along but she wants that woman to burn. “Are you friends with Brandi now? Because I hate that bitch.” You got to understand that Dana just really values class and, oops, give her a second because this ciggie isn’t going to light itself in a glass of water. “Come on, the only reason that Brandi even knows any of us, because believe me she is not of par with our group, is Adrienne.” Taylor looked incredibly sober and politely disgusted throughout Dana’s rant. “I was talking to my life coach the other day…” she said. Nope, let Dana give you some advice. “They really love themselves, all of these women.” And there is nothing worse than a woman with self-esteem, y’all. Take it from Dana and Taylor.

It was opening night of Kyle’s store and she wasn’t sure what to wear. Mauricio wasn’t helping, looking up as she changed to deliver monotone reviews. “Beautiful. No way. Woooow.” Kyle went with a tight number that was part Cherokee Brand for Target, part Victoria’s Secret evening wear. Imagine a store with similarly busy prints and drapey silks and big earrings as far as the eye can see. Kyle by Alene Too!

At the party Taylor wanted to make nice with Yolanda. As Yolanda glared imperiously down at her, Taylor went on about how she never had a problem with her, it was always David, her best friend’s ex, whom she thought she didn’t like. Who is Taylor in this world, Yolanda wondered to us. “Don’t talk about my ex-husband. He’s been so good to all of his ex wives.” Oy, now that’s the guy you want to bring home to Mama. But Taylor dug in and said when she finally went to their dinner party she realized that David was actually “pretty cute and sweet.” Yeah but Yolanda really just likes a straight-shooter and Taylor should’ve been cool enough to approach David and tell him ‘You’re a real asshole.'” Anyways, Taylor just wanted to apologize and wipe the slate clean. Yolanda stared at her coolly before curtly saying “Accepted. Perfect.” So, uh, that’s that.

NEXT: Kim and Kyle have come a long way from that limo.

Later Adrienne slunk into store, walking 20 feet ahead of a miserable-looking Paul. “Are we going in here?” he asked after her retreating back. “Adrienne?” Adrienne and her friend delighted over Kim’s fresh-faced appearance, with the friend dubbing her the “best comeback 2012. “Shall we drink to that?” said Adrienne. “Kidding, kidding.” Speaking of, Kim sat Kyle down in the dressing rooms talk about what went down in Paris. It turns out her water pill and her Season 2 pills are both light peach and she forgot her contacts and it was all a big mix-up. Okay, that might sound bananas but Kim actually did look well and she spoke movingly about her determined quest to take it one day at a time.

“I don’t want to let anyone down that I love,” she told her sister. “I don’t want you to let yourself down,” Kyle rightly whimpered back. “Seven months ago I was sitting on the bed and I knew that I was going to die. I knew it,” said Kim. “I did too,” said Kyle. “Every time my phone rang in the night I thought they were going to say your sister’s gone.” There was an odd cut to Gold Amex receipts and Yolanda and Brandi walking out with their new dresses. Okay, back to sisters making up. “It can happen to me Kyle,” said Kim, about falling off the wagon. “But I believe I am that strong.” Mazel Kim!

Next week: Seriously, Faye?

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe

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