The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Vodka Shots Fired
Adrienne and Paul announce their separation and Faye acts the snide fool at Lisa's housewarming party
The sun was rising a gauzy blush over Villa Rosa, the same pale pink as the overflowing vase of roses on one of Lisa’s many balconies. Lisa was in chill mode, which meant she was swathed in a plush pink polka-dotted robe and had laid out giant snifters of iced brandy for she and her sodden sex monster. On the phone she worried to Pandora about the impending vow renewal ceremony. “I don’t like it to all be about me,” she said, refuting once again Kyle and Taylor’s claims last year that she was an egomaniac. “I’m better when it’s about somebody else.”
If Lisa was floating in the clouds, Adrienne was down in the fiery depths, putting the last aggressive touches on her red launch party for her new red vodka line Zing. Female models were getting spray-painted red, men were being painted like albinos, a giant walking sexy magnolia hedge stalked the grounds, disembodied hands appeared from bushes proffering shots of Zing. In the kitchen a perpetually wincing and twitchy-nosed Bernie had dumped a Costco bag of cubed cheese on a plate and was sprinkling edible gold on top of mini red velvet cupcakes. “If you’ve been to one of her parties pushing a product, you’ve been to all of them,” sniffed Brandi in a private interview. At one point Paul, in between smacking bites of cheddar, wondered if they ought to use salad plates rather than dinner plates. Adrienne barked at him to be of use for once in his goddamn life or take it somewhere else. “Typical dig, typical insult,” sighed Paul. “That’s the way it is, I’m used it.”
Back up high, Lisa and Brandi agreed they’d both rather die than attend another one of Adrienne’s product-pushing parties, not that Brandi had been invited. They’d rather relax by the pristine pool, with Giggy trapped beneath Brandi’s robe. “Where’s the peanut butter?” our fair lady snickered. Ken trotted outside to see if Giggy needed a drink. “He does,” said Brandi, “he was between my legs for a while. He got thirsty.” “Why would he get thirsty between your legs?” retorted Ken.Bunch of heathens! Martin snuck up to massage Brandi’s upper thigh while Ken slowly rolled himself on top of Lisa and gave a few old dog pumps. “The new hip works like a charm,” he said.
Down below, the girls gathered at the party, each of them flying solo. “Adrienne’s the only one with a husband,” Kyle remarked, none the wiser of what awaited. Marisa gathered around the girls to read a strange text from Brandi. “I think I know what will save your marriage,” it said. What?, everyone sputtered. Your marriage is so great! Deanie is my life! “You each should give each other a hall pass,” continued Marisa. “Stupid,” said Kyle. “Stupid,” agreed the recapper. As if her marriage needs spicing, scoffed Marisa. Dean wants it from her every single day. When has she ever given anyone the idea that they were on rocky shores? “The only thing I do is joke when guys hot,” she said.
Throughout the conversation Adrienne moaned and groaned and poo poohed in exaggerated disgust of Brandi. Faye was so grossed out. Camille looked like she had a secret. Yolanda was over it. She grabbed Marisa by the cheeks and suggested instead of having a big hen circle about the text why didn’t she think to actually bring it up with Brandi herself? “Maybe she has a crush on Dean,” said Faye. Marisa thought the same thing. As did Dean! Kyle surprised everyone, especially Faye, by stepping in to say she didn’t think Brandi of all people would ever mess around with a married man. Yolanda agreed. You know Brandi, she said, she flirts with all the guys. Faye didn’t like the way the conversation was losing steam so she gleefully dropped dirt that Brandi had supposedly ruined the gap-toothed real estate agent in a child’s bathroom at Kyle’s white party. “I hate speculation,” said Yolanda through narrowed eyes. But Faye knew it for sure. Two separate people had told her!
NEXT: Faye blames Brandi for Adrienne and Paul’s split.
From across the party there came the sound of cracking twigs and a pulled groin. Adrienne went to investigate and was none too pleased to see a brown spray-painted Paul in splotchy grey briefs smirking down at her from a tree. “I’m looking at these beautiful people and then I see you,” she said meanly before pretending to join the party in merry applause laughing up at Paul. “As long as he’s getting attention and you’re feeding his ego, he’s happy,” she said in private. “He actually looks a little pathetic.”
In the very next scene Lisa looked in her china closet, tut tutting over that morning’s announcement of Adrienne and Paul’s separation. Ah well, life must go on. She encouraged the chef to make the tacos sexy, then went outside to shoo Kevin into the pool to properly arrange the floating bed of rose hearts. Kevin willingly removed his jeans, revealing an enviable pair of smooth, toned women’s legs.
In the limo over to the party Brandi and her friend Jennifer, who should always wear that color teal, shook their heads over Adrienne’s split. Brandi would feel really bad about it if she didn’t think it was a publicity stunt. You never can tell what’s true, she said, when there’s so many rumors to sort through. Rumors? “Separate lives, different bedrooms, affairs, open marriage….” Oh Brandi, good thing you never did sign that keep-your-mouth-shut clause. “Who knows, maybe it was true? You never know.” Of all the Housewives crew, it looked like Mauricio was taking the news harder than anyone. In their limo as Kyle worried about their friends, he sat there ashen and expressionless. “Wow,” he said.
The gates of Villa Rosa opened up as Housewives started arriving. Marisa braided her bangs back again and brought her mother as a date. Yolanda and Brandi wore white. Kim draped herself in flowing black while Camille went with royal blue. Her gold strappy platform heels were only rivaled in ridiculousness by Pandy’s suitcase size heels. Taylor wore Renee Zellweger’s gold sequined number from Chicago and brought her gays as dates. Brandi cornered Mauricio and asked him if she’d ever flirted with him before and he said no, before adding that she was welcome to start any time. Ooh, if Brandi could just find out who of the women said that she flirted with all the guys! (Oopsies, it was Yolanda.) Linda Foster showed up and, trying not to look up at Yolanda, presented the hostess with one of her jars of apricot jam. “I make apricot and plum every year,” she said. “So middle class.” Kyle admitted to the women that she got her love handles done. Yolanda announced loud and proud that David Foster is her King and obedience is strength and chartered planes are for paupers. Faye has a fiance?
In the end Yolanda pulled Marisa aside and put a shiv soaked in lemon juice to her neck. The woman had to atone for her sins. Admit that she threw Brandi under the bus! “Yolanda, when we were all together all I did was say look at this text Brandi sent me.” Marisa just wanted everyone to be clear that her marriage is rock solid and she’s not interested in a hall pass and if there is anyone at this housewarming party who’s tall, dark, and handsome she’ll meet them in five in the pool closet.
“Why are they attacking Marisa, she didn’t do anything,” whined Camille. Faye threw her drink on the floor, pushed up the sleeves of her aquamarine mermaid dress, and told Kyle it was time to rumble. Kyle wondered if they maybe could just whisper about it instead by the appetizer table? Faye was on her own for this one and she appeared at Marisa’s side, smirking in the garish sun. “You’re not involved with this, you can go,” snapped Brandi. “I’m involved with everything,” shot back Faye. “Be a lady for once!” she ordered Brandi, before turning an insincere eye on Yolanda. “Yolanda, Yolanda, you’re being misled by a very bad girl and I hate to see you go down this road.” No one talks to Yolanda in that tone of voice. “Sweetheart, sweetheart, I’m 48 years old and I know which road I’m walking but thanks for your concern.” Yolanda, you are my Queen. No matter how many times they asked Faye to walk away, and at this point even Marisa was desperate for her to buzz off, the woman dug in her heels and refused to budge. “No matter how many Chanels you borrow,” she hissed at Brandi, “you will never, ever be a lady.” She’s like a villain from an early Julia Roberts movie! Then Faye blasted Brandi for breaking up Paul and Adrienne’s marriage, an accusation so ridiculous, so desperate, that it barely bears repeating. Unfortunately Kim and Camille were off to the side, bleating the same damn nonsense.
Next week: Adrienne’s Final Episode!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills