Starring Lisa's sexy smirk. And welcome new Housewives Carlton, Joyce, and Kingsley!

By Karen Valby
Updated November 05, 2013 at 03:40 PM EST
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Ben Cohen/Bravo

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

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Housewivers, it’s been too long. So much has happened since Paris, the city not the…the…DJ/perfume maker? Supposedly Lisa and Brandi hate each other now. Mauricio may or may not be a lout. Brandy is a #1 New York Times bestselling author. (Wonder how Jonathan Franzen feels about them apples!) And Vanderpump Rules is inexplicably still on the air. Plus we’ve got new taglines to grade. So without further ado, take it away, Kyle:

“I’m from this town, I know what’s real and what’s fake.” You know what’s fake? Kyle’s husky laugh half of the time. B-

Whoever edited the immediate cut from “fake” to Yolanda’s breasts in that black dress gets an A. “Don’t tell me you’re my friend; act like one.” Strong, relevant, demanding. Yolanda gets an A-

Oh Brandi. “In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb the farther you fall.” Pithy, but its meaning confuses me. Does this reference her own plummet after ex Eddie Cibrian’s betrayal? Does it foreshadow her fall from favor with Lisa’s fans? I worry for her. C

It’s the Lifetime Kimberly Richards Movie! “Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring me.” I feel like Andy Cohen fed her this one word for word. C+

Don’t f— with Carlton’s Tarot Card baby names, you bitches. “In my world money doesn’t talk, it swears.” She scares me. A-

Joyce has one season written all over her. “You can never be too young, too thin or too honest.” False, false, false. D

And finally, Lisa (Madame Vanderpump if you’re nasty) speaks: “Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead.” Wearing black pantyhose and nothing else. A

NEXT: Brandi spent her hiatus sucking on that realtor’s gap

The show kicked off with a visit to Gigi’s Runyon Canyon photo shoot. Yolanda perhaps wanted a do-over on her stage mom persona after last year. So she wore her best Katniss braid and kept her critiques to “all I see is just a much, much better version of me” and “wow, your body looks amazing.” And it did. Way to make me feel bad about myself, Gigi. Mom and daughter walked off the set, arms entwined, marveling over the benefits of exercising every day and only eating salads. Yolanda did manage to slip in the fact that she’s had a terrible several months treating her Lyme disease. Brandi has been there for her, unlike Kyle. Ahem.

But how could Kyle have been there for her? She’s still smarting from Yolanda’s betrayal in Paris. (The tape clearly does suggest that Yolanda did in fact lie or simply misremember the truth, yes?) Plus she’s got ghastly pink leather jackets to try on at her strangely named store. And she’s got to Google what exactly a Chamber of Commerce is, so excuse her for not sending over sugar-free jugs of cleanse when Yolanda was in the hospital.

Brandi is moving on up, to a deluxe rental with baroque window dressings in the Va-al-ley! Her realtor is the man in the white that she did not in fact screw in Portia’s bathroom, thank you very much. But they’ve done it in every For Lease property off the 405 since. “The problem is,” she told J.R. (you can’t make this stuff up), “there are all these windows and I tend to walk around naked a lot.” Poor Jakey!

Hold on, quick break to go fantasize about Gleb… Okay, Lisa is knee deep into her short stint on Dancing with the Stars and her body is banging. The fact that she’s lost some weight is driving Kyle bananas by the way.

Oh dear, Lisa bought a smug chill with her to Kyle’s house. In an effort to give Bravo what they needed make nice with Lisa, Kyle asked SUR to cater her nonsensical Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce party. Lisa agreed, then moved on to what she called the elephant in the room. Enter Mauricio. “Wazzup!” he said, though his heart wasn’t in it. Lisa pounced on the moment to goose the tabloid rumors about their marriage. Has he come home to impregnate Kyle? Is Portia the young babe he’s supposedly cheating on Kyle with? Like Lady Gaga, I appreciate that Lisa doesn’t give any f—s. But play clean when Portia is in the room. Not cool.

NEXT: Destiny, Mysteri and Cross. Literally.

Dog montage! Okay, this was easily the best two minutes of the show. Can Kingsley please be a series regular? Or can he have a spin-off show or maybe Kristen Bell could star in the Lifetime Kimberly Richards Movie and it just be the story of how one dog brought a former child star back from the brink? Somebody in Hollywood hear my cry. Kim tried her best to speak to her pup in her stern voice, but that little fella was not going to give up that thing that was clearly not a dog toy in his mouth. Kingsley, not the gorilla! This is why we watch the Housewives, everyone. It’s not for the dresses or the drama, it’s for moments like Kim and Kingsley under the bed scrapping over the same squeakie toy.

Speaking of scrapping, Lisa seems to be jonesing for one with Kyle. The digs, they kept coming. Kyle’s not a business woman. Kyle’s days as a Pantene model may be numbered. Kyle’s a big fat liar. No interaction between these two was comfortable last night and I have to say Lisa was the one leaving the worse taste in my mouth.

Who knew Bravo would just flip through the Beverly Hill Chamber of Commerce rolodex to cast their two new Housewives? Joyce seemed like a long-haired ding-a-ling, who really wanted the world to know about her producer husband’s big pee pee. I’m with Carlton on this one: “I don’t want to picture someone I’ve just met naked, with something flapping.” Carlton has three kids, and I’m going to disagree with Joyce on this and call Cross the most palatably named of the bunch. Carlton seemed unimpressed by the lot of them, curling her lip in disdain at Joyce and Kyle in particular.

In the kitchen, Brandi and Kim got on like old chums. That “singer” Scheana, who slept with Eddie back in the day, popped over for another plate of appetizers at one point and she dared tell Brandi that she looked awful purdy. Nice rotten tooth, you skank “What happened to your tooth?” asked a concerned Brandi. The poor little panda fell down and knocked her two front teeth out. Scheana went outside to cry on boss ma’am Lisa’s shoulder. “I’m a singer,” she whined. “My mouth is literally everything to me. “

Then the SUR girls…. Hey wait a second, this isn’t a two-hour premiere episode of the Real Housewives. And I’ve already been tricked into spending minutes of my life with these terrible Axe Body Spray models. Out!

Well friends: Were you too surprised at Lisa’s smirking and slinking around? Could this finally be the season she turns into a villain? Any first impressions on Joyce or Carlton? Would you too watch a show starring Kingsley?

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
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