The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: VanDerPomp and Circumstance
The Richards Sisters get emotional around graduation day and David Foster gets a star on the Walk of Fame. Also, facials.
There were three shoot days on last night’s episode that particularly tickled Andy Cohen in pre-production:
“Morning, Brandi’s house. Close up shots of urine and piles of small dog turds in otherwise empty living room.”
“Afternoon, aesthetician’s office. Close up shots of Jar Jar Binks papier mache masks on Kyle and Joyce.”
“Morning, Beverly Hills veterinarian/animal acupuncturist office. Close up shots of needles sticking out of Carlton’s outraged cat’s head. Tell sound guy to crank up volume to capture sounds of animal hissing.”
On paper this is gold, the ludicrously absurd and excessive grist for the madcap fun of Seasons 1 and 2. And yet the hour dragged. The dog owner in me was screaming at Brandi to train her dogs, or take them out on walks more often so they weren’t dribbling all over the house. I may secretly want one of those age-defying facials but we’ve been there, done that already with Kim and Kyle in a previous scene. And Carlton’s cat Midnight would likely have fared better with a good nap on top of some warm towels on the dryer than having to endure a bunch of sticks in his noggin in a cramped room with a camera crew. Does Carlton’s edgy righteousness turn you off? Blame her poor social skills on the fact that she played with wild birds and cats as a girl instead of actual children.
Meanwhile, I smell a spin-off show: The Richards Sisters Go To College! Kimberly’s graduation stirred up all kinds of feelings in the girls. Kimmie, who couldn’t stop reminding us that would’ve loved to go to college but was too busy handing her paychecks over to her Ma, was kind of lovely deep breathing her way through the big day. Good thing Kathy Hilton was on hand to lend her loving support. “Is that what you’re wearing?” she said, looking in disdain at Kim’s dress and then later her shoes. She makes Kyle look like Mother Theresa in comparison.
There was one terrifically telling exchange between Lisa and my beloved Ken that will surely be replayed at the Reunion. The back-and-forth scene began with Kyle and Mauricio on their bedroom settees, shaking their fists at how their marriage and his character has been maligned in the tabloids. Kyle asserted that not once for two months did Lisa defend them in the press or on Twitter. And now she had the nerve to pout that Kyle didn’t immediately hop to on Twitter to defend Lisa against charges of bullying? (Good grief, can Bravo institute a rule to ban the word “bullying” from Housewives’ mouths?)
NEXT: Ken explains what it means to be a true friend.
Cut to Lisa and Ken huddled on their chaises. Lisa was feeling put out by Kyle’s sensitivity around the subject of the affair rumors. On the one hand, yes it’s terrible and of course it’s all untrue but on the other… “I don’t know if it’s true, I really don’t,” she said. “Do I believe it? But I don’t know what’s gone down.” This wishy-washiness mimics her milquetoast defense of Mauricio at Carlton’s luncheon. I’d be pissed too if I was Kyle! Take it away Ken: “Of course it’s not true,” he said. “He’s a buddy of mine and I wouldn’t let people say that.” Lisa pooh poohed his naiveté. “Nobody knows definitively,” she said. “You can’t say ‘Oh, it’s definitely not true.’ You look like an idiot.” Ken pointed to his sturdy heart. “You says what’s in here. I say you always look out for your friends.” I’d say he schooled Lisa hard but the truth is Lisa and Kyle haven’t been friends for two seasons and it’s ridiculous for them, or us, to pretend otherwise. So perhaps any expectation of loyalty should be dismissed. Speaking of loyalty, I believe in Mauricio’s though he did himself no favors in his final exchange with Kyle. She gave him a loving peck and then apologized for smudging gloss on his face. “That’s okay, I like lipstick,” he said. “Especially yours.” The second that came out of his mouth you know he wanted to punch himself in the face.
David Foster got a star on the Walk of Fame which meant we had to listen to him pontificating at the mic. I believe that he is a musical genius. I trust that he is Yolanda’s king. But surely my Dutch wonder must die a little inside when he smirks out lines like “John, George, Ringo, what about there?” or “It’s not secret I’ve been married once or twice…” Stevie Wonder and I just shook our heads in disbelief at his poor attempts at humor. But Yolanda looked beautiful in teal and her visiting brother and mother were adorable eating their salami sandwiches and cannonballing into the pool.
Finally, Brandi tried on some little pieces of water-resistant fabric for Lisa. In between giggles she let it drop that she’d been hanging out with Carlton a little bit and oh yeah, they made out in a hot tub. With this revelation a Real Housewives producer was fired for failing to capture the moment on camera. Lisa was rightly gobsmacked. “Well who does that?” she stammered. “I don’t know, me?” said Brandi. “God, I’m going to lock my door at night that’s for sure,” said Lisa. You and me both sister.
Questions, I have a few? How adorable is Blanca, who seemed more excited to greet Yolanda’s family than the mistress herself? Why does Max only visit Lisa and Ken once a year? Should we be worried? Dare we hope for a Slash cameo on a future episode? How badly did Carlton’s nanny want in on that hot tub action?