The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Chess, anyone?
Brandi works hard to remind Kyle that Lisa hates her, while second-guessing her own friendship with the Dream Team captain.
Before we cut to the chase of the heart of this episode, when Brandi once and for all traded allegiances, let’s get through some of the minutiae. Yolanda embarked upon a long journey, from an innocent Dutch girl to the tucked away breakfast table of Mohamed. She crossed many valleys, and acres of lawn, and refused to be waylaid by the tennis courts. At the end of her arduous travels she refused a croissant and fruits, opting only for a cup of rosehips tea served in Wedgewood china. She fought valiantly to make Mohamed join her in arch speculation that Lisa had been ridiculous to plan a party on the night of David’s daughter’s wedding. “Maybe she just forgot, she has so much going on, we all have,” said Mohamed, desperate for the women in his life to be beautiful and in good spirits. But Yolanda has not yet forgiven Lisa for skipping Gigi’s painting party. And how could she?
Meanwhile Carlton’s husband’s family was celebrating their business’ 40th anniversary. “Yes, we have made a ton of f—ing money,” said Carlton, adorable as ever. She was still reeling from calling Kyle nasty, disgusting, vile, anti-Wiccan at Kyle’s husband’s birthday party so there was no way Carlton was going to give the woman an opportunity to ruin her husband’s special event. Kyle was off the guest list but of course Mauricio was still welcome to attend. Classy!
At the party—Jews as far as the eye could see, plus Will Smith’s ex!—Lisa told Carlton she’s called this bloody pentagram tattoo situation wrong. “It just looked like you were kind of maybe overreacting?” said Lisa. Carlton’s eyes started brimming with tears. How could Lisa suggest she ever be in the same room as that monster again? Kyle called her anti-Semitic, an accusation so nasty, disgusting, and vile it pained the woman to repeat it. In her counsel, it did seem like Lisa was warning Carlton that she was in danger of coming off badly on TV as opposed to real life. “I don’t want to do this here,” said Carlton. Cut to a commercial break. And… too bad, she’s still doing this here.
Kim showed up as Lisa and Ken were making their escape. The three had a thoroughly daffy encounter on the now-empty red carpet. Hmmm, interesting that Kim wasn’t at Ken’s birthday party. “I was in Wisconnnnsin,” laughed Kim on repeat. It was all pretty funny except for the fact that Kim is still boiling over with anger at Ken’s dig and Ken thinks Kim is bollocks. Inside Kim called Brandi her angel—my how tides will turn—and the two cozied up on a banquette so Brandi could complain about the fact that Lisa sprung Scheana on her at the birthday party.
NEXT: Did Carlton cast a spell on Brandi’s tongue?
Their gossip session could only go so far so Brandi hit up the next Richards sister on a hike. Unfortunately for Brandi, fortunately for us, the poor woman was having an allergic reaction that made her tongue swell up. So most of what we got is “I don’t know if I can thrust Thrisa anymore.” At first Brandi’s mission seemed less to align herself with Kyle than to remind the woman just how badly she’d supposedly been abused by Lisa. Remember how much Lisa used to hate you? she said. And how she trashed your husband? I don’t know about you but I could never forgive someone for doing that to me. Soon Brandi was spilling that perhaps she really had been Lisa’s lackey all along. “She really wanted to just banish Adrienne from the planet,” she said. “I’m starting to wonder if I was doing her dirty work for her.” In her most self-aware, so pathetically honest it was almost endearing, moment Brandi explained why she might have so easily fallen under Lisa’s spell: “I wanted to feel like this fancy woman likes little old me.”
Throughout Kyle restrained herself from jumping up and down in a victory dance but she couldn’t quite manage to wipe a smug smirk off her face. “Brandi really was a wedge between Lisa and me and now we are bonding over our issues with Lisa,” she said. Brandi, who seemed both nervous and breathless with anticipation of shooting the scene, said she wasn’t sure if she was 100% prepared to go up against Lisa. “She’s smarter than all of us,” she told Kyle, who was all “Hey wait, I’m smart too!”
In conclusion, Joyce did lazy laps around her pool with the Queen of a Distant Galaxy and Yolanda is ‘merican now.
Next week: Lisa smells a rat.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe