Ding dong, the witch Carlton is alive and popping off at Ken and Mauricio's birthday party. Duck Kyle.

By Karen Valby
Updated February 04, 2014 at 02:09 PM EST
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Oh for the love of…. See, Joyce’s husband spent nine gruesome hours on the toilet so the woman can’t help but wonder if there was something to Joyce’s hex after all. They met for lunch and Joyce asked Carlton to promise that she won’t whirligig some spell that makes Michael’s head spin around while he throws up curry or her son fall down the stairs. Whoa, said Carlton, hold on a f—ing minute, do not go there. Eyes flashing, fingers pointing, sun spots on her chest turning blotchy. “So did I say something that probably wasn’t appropriate? Yes. Should she be worried? No.” Should we be bored? Yes. “I say enough of this silly s—,” said Carlton, her mood inexplicably turning from dark to sunny. The thing is she really feels like Joyce is a good person, if a little naive. Yes, Joyce may have thought she had it in her to murder children through black magic, but they cleared up that nonsense over Mexican food. But that f—ing b—- Kyle? She will have to pay for daring to disrespect her in Carlton’s dream one night.

Quick la di da break from the madness: Kimberly and Kim got matching butterfly tattoos on their wrists and it was rather sweet. Of course Kim believes that when she dies she’s coming back as a butterfly by the way. That or a sunflower. Or a tub of honey. Or clouds! Also Yolanda swathed herself in coral-colored exercise wear and helped Gigi pack up her winter coats for New York.

It was the night of Ken and Mauricio’s joint party and Villa Rosa’s marble dressing closets were abuzz. When it comes to parties, Lisa decides what Ken wears, Ken decides what Giggy wears (in this case a white black onesie suit with sequined back pockets where Giggy could keep his billfold and sports car key), and Giggy decides what Rocio wears. Rocio was really waggling the hanger with Herves Leger dress but that bastard Giggy picked the pajamas and banished the housekeeper to her galley quarters.)

NEXT: Things not to talk about at a dinner party—politics, religion, 3/4 of a nipple.

That SUR waitress Scheana got engaged so she was draping her new rock over passed cocktail napkins. “Say something to Scheana about her getting married,” Lisa nonsensically whispered to Brandi. This didn’t sit well with our leggy friend but did result in the world’s most awkward hallway conversation. Brandi smiled through seething teeth hello at the waitress who had slept with her husband and explained the many ways in which marriage is bogus. “Thank you, mmm, mmmnh, thank you,” said Scheana, while Stassi and Ken looked on in horrified delight.

Outside Kyle was tugging at various folds of her water dancer-colored dress. Oh honey, just go up a size! Speaking of water dancers, there certainly weren’t any at this party. But there were two confused-looking women stumbling around in the shallow end, lazily kicking at the cold water. Finally that labrador Jax wagged his tail at the prospect of getting to take his shirt off and he grabbed the nearly nude party planner Chi Chi Chi and they cannonballed into the pool. Worth the price of admission just to see Lisa and Ken enjoy a good full-throated laugh together.

Over a lovely, rose-strewn dinner Ken delivered what must have been a drunken toast to Mauricio and then Lisa parroted Kyle’s ode to her husband. All of this chummy business was very confusing to Brandi who appears next week to try to sever Kyle and Lisa’s growing bond. Everyone was having a grand old time until Kyle made the sin of referring to Carlton as “her.” This was the moment Carlton had been waiting for and she struck with the fury of a reality TV player who understands that she’s lacking a storyline. “You are very passive aggressive, that’s what you do,” she told a stunned Kyle. “I have a very good intuition.” And a dream life! And friends who take dumps in the powder room at parties! And bee friends!

Kyle, who acquitted herself quite well during this barrage of nonsense, reminded Carlton that she was at her husband’s birthday party, not that Carlton gave a damn. Oh, and that pretty necklace Carlton was happy to receive as a gift? It’s in a glass of distilled water back at the house. Booyah! Oh, and for somebody who’s Jewish, Carlton sneered, Kyle should really learn how to count the points on a star. Kyle, who’d been accused this point of being vile and nasty and disgusting and passive aggressive and anti-Wiccan, wondered if Carlton’s argument about the tattoo business smacked of anti-Semitism? THERE IT IS, cried Carlton. Kyle and her labeling! How could anyone ever accuse Carlton of ever promoting anything other than peace, love and polyamorous sexuality! Even Brandi thought Carlton was nuts. Be gone ya witch.

Next week: Brandi turns for good on Lisa. Carlton wants us to know that she once lived in South Africa.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe

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