By Jodi Walker
April 03, 2019 at 12:05 AM EDT

If Lisa Vanderpump is a liar, she’s a good one. Because the thing this climactic episode makes clear about the Lucy Feud is that where Lisa’s story has been wholly consistent — “I did nothing wrong!” — the story against her has been sliding around more than Erika in 6-inch heels on the lubed up floor of a club basement.

First, Teddi pulled a patented Taylor-Swift-surprise face at the reveal that LVP might have been trying to play her by feeding negative stories to her about Dorit, and subsequently confronted Lisa about trying to set her up, telling Dorit that she never had intentions of gossiping about her. Then once she was exposed, Teddi admitted that she did have intentions of gossiping about Dorit, but she changed her mind when she realized in the middle of the set up that LVP was going to try to keep her hands clean. Teddi later insisted that she was involved, but it was Lisa who plotted with her employees to tell the story about Dorit on camera…then Lisa’s employees handed over text messages where Teddi explicitly plots to get the story about Dorit on camera.

Now, Dorit sobs that perception is reality in regards to a (true) story about her adopted dog ending up in a kill shelter getting published, she thinks, via Lisa Vanderpump. But when Lisa Vanderpump openly puts her name on a press story defending Dorit, that is not a “perception is reality” situation; that is Lisa trying to look like the hero. And finally, Kyle needs to tell her BFF Lisa that she just wants her to understand that it looks like she planted the story about Dorit. But when Lisa—a woman who has recently lost a family member—swears on her child’s life that she didn’t plant the story, Kyle is like…okay but it still really seems like you did! Don’t be mad that I’m calling you a remorseless liar! I’m just being HONEST! (Honest that I think you’re a liar.)

The worst part of all this though is not the broken friendship, nor the hundreds of charity bike rides lost; it’s not even Ken’s heaving exposed cleavage—it is, of course, that the further this narrative goes, the more it victimizes Dorit for…almost getting a dog killed.

Never forget that this all started with Dorit treating adopted dogs like grabbing a shirt on the way to the TJ Maxx check out line and being like, I can always take it back if it doesn’t fit (but then, like, putting the shirt in a dumpster and still expecting TJ Maxx to give you your money back). But after the knock-out, drag-down fight that went round-and-round Lisa’s (not renovated) kitchen, surely we’re all thinking: how could it possibly end?

Kyle seems to be under the impression that she and Lisa could still salvage their friendship after she accused her of lying about basically everything she’s said and done for the last two months. Whether Kyle is right or wrong about that, they couldn’t—and shouldn’t­—possibly be friends anymore now that it’s been said. What in the world is Kyle Richards thinking…

And yes, that is a play on “where in the world is Carmen Sandiego” because of Kyle’s dumb red hat. Ever since that thing showed up in the premiere, I knew it was a harbinger of death. Indeed, I am at my wit’s end with figuring out how a story about Dorit almost getting a puppy killed turned into Kyle’s quest to stand up for what is RIGHT and JUST.

Bravo

But I do know that I am about to have to talk very seriously about SoulCycle which will take a year off of my life, so let’s get to dying, folks:

This is one of those episodes where we’re just waiting around for the end, which includes watching Harry Hamlin pick out freeze-dried meals for a camping trip, but mostly it’s talking about dogs and lies until it’s time to scream about dogs and lies. Months ago, Teddi and Vanderpump Dogs planned a charity SoulCycle ride, and even though they hate each other’s guts now, they’re still going to do it…for the dogs. I assumed this meant Teddi would teach the class, but I guess it just means that her company plans it, and she stands there ticking down the minutes to see if Lisa Vanderpump is going to show…

Spoiler alert: she is not. Lisa is busy preparing one of Vanderpump Dogs puppies for the Puppy Bowl (a thing we do not spend enough time on at all), and on the day of the charity ride, she is throwing a party in celebration of Congressman Alcee Hastings bringing the resolution to ban the trade of dog meat all over the world to Congress. Resolution 401 does indeed pass, and it is a truly joyous moment….

But we’re not here to tell happy stories about dogs. We’re here to watch Dorit cry about people finding out that she named a dog Lucy Lucy Apple Juice and then sent her down the Jordan River in a wicker basket. As we know from the end of last week’s one-act-play of a final scene (what’s that I hear—a text message from my good friend, Radar Online?!), a story that Dorit claims is highly exaggerated appeared in Radar Online about her adopted dog ending up in a kill shelter. From the language used in the article, and the way it speaks so highly of Vanderpump Dogs, Dorit is sure that the story came directly from Lisa.

And it seems that the other women are too (except Denise Richards who seems to be perpetually waiting for a bread basket to come and save her). They all do a truly impressive quick change after the charity ride and head out to lunch where they demand that Kyle admit Lisa has sold stories to the press in the past. Erika calls it “indefensible behavior” to which I imagine the RHONY women would say: Watch me. Denise tries to assure Dorit that there have been awful headlines about her for years, but the truth will always reveal itself. See, Dorit? All you have to do to refute untrue rumors is go on a reality show and reveal that you are actually an incredibly charming and genuine person. Oh. Wait…

Dorit begins sobbing that she lies awake thinking that someone is going to hurt her children, which listen, I would never hold worrying about your children against anyone, but the level of worry in comparison to what’s been said about her seems…like a lot, no? When Dorit says that the threatening comments from animal lovers have already been rolling in, the editors flash up a sample which includes things like, “Would you get rid of your kids if they misbehaved?”

These editors are monsters. I love them.

Finally, we see Kyle in The Hat. She’s on her way to a friend’s house, and when Teddi arrives to pick up a dress from her because she lives nearby, they talk about the Lisa drama in front of the friend’s young daughter, which always makes me nervous. No child should believe that this is how most adult women live their lives. For us normals, it’s mostly just the occasional passive-aggressive text and returning shirts to TJ Maxx (okay, Marshalls if you just know).

Anyway, they say that moments after they left that lunch where the Radar Online article was the main topic of conversation, Lisa went on TMZ defending Dorit.

And they…don’t…like this? Apparently, it makes no sense because Lisa hasn’t even called Dorit since the Radar Online story came out, so her speaking positively about Dorit in the press is just more proof that she spoke negatively about Dorit in the press.

Bravo

And that’s the thing that makes it hard to get behind this narrative that the majority of the Beverly Hills women are weaving about LVP being a master manipulator and liar. Even if it’s true, they seem so desperate to make it be true, that it makes it seem…less true than it probably is in reality (my guess is somewhere between 50 and 65 percent true, but my perception from their argument is like…10 percent true, and 100 percent Dorit took an acting class last fall). And then there’s the fact that Lisa has never once budged in saying that she’s telling the truth. If she’s lying, she’s lying boldly and I can almost…respect that?

I can’t respect, however, coming into another woman’s pink home wearing a clashing red hat and telling that woman that you’re her friend, and you love her, but no matter what she says, you also think she is a liar.

I just…cannot figure out how Kyle thought this conversation was going to go? And it’s so much worse because LVP is sunshine incarnate when Kyle arrives, still riding high from the success of her resolution. But Kyle has come there with a mission — she’s decided she must “defend what’s right.” But to do that, she’s not going to tell Lisa that she’s worried she may be subconsciously trying to hurt others because she’s also in pain right now, or anything constructive like that. No, she tells Lisa that everyone thinks she planted the story at Radar Online, and as her friend, she wants to say that’s not true, but she can’t.

Ken must’ve pulled himself into the kitchen in a dummy waiter or something because suddenly he’s there saying, “You should’ve done!” Kyle fusses back, “But I don’t feel like that, Ken!” Lisa asks for some clarity: “You think I’m going to give a story to Radar Online, and then I’m going to go to TMZ and refute a story I’ve given to radar online?” Correct! You know that saying, “You have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyoncé?” Well, the other Housewives think the same about Lisa Vanderpump.

Kyle confirms that yes, that is what everybody thinks, and then everyone is just yelling over each other. That’s pretty typical. What’s atypical for a Beverly Hills fight, is how physical they’re being. No, there are no left hooks thrown (though Ken’s fingers are flying around like little sausages), but Lisa and Kyle are throwing their bodies toward and away from each other, darting around the kitchen like they can’t figure out if they want to get away or hunker down.

Kyle tries to reiterate that she’s there telling Lisa that everyone thinks she’s a liar as her friend, and Ken screams, “YOU’RE NOT HER FRIEND!” Lisa asks Kyle if she thinks she would really give a story to Radar Online about Dorit and Kyle response, “It’s so blatant.” At least Kyle has finally said what she really thinks…

And Lisa has heard it loud and clear: “Wow, okay, this is a big shock to me. This changes everything.” Kyle tries to say that if she did something wrong, Lisa would still love her and Lisa yells back, “I am not going to say yes I did something if I didn’t do it!” She swears to Kyle on Pandora’s life, on Giggy’s life that she, nor anyone she knows, gave the story to Radar. And Kyle’s response to that declaration? “Maybe you care more about your image than your friendships.”

With that, Lisa’s done — “Okay, bye Kyle, show yourself out, darling” — but Ken, who has disappeared into one of his hidey holes, is subbing in, and now he’s got PROPS. He shoves a laptop in Kyle’s face and demand to know if she’s watched the TMZ video of Lisa defending Dorit. She has. “You’re not her friend, you cannot be her friend when you say something like that! She would never say that about you,” he yells, and things have just gotten totally out of hand. Lisa comes back in to remove Ken and ends up circling with Kyle once more.

“I didn’t come here to fight,” Kyle says. “I came here to tell you this is the overall consensus, to tell you I’m having a hard time defending you.” The music drops out: “You came here to tell me I’m a liar,” Lisa spits back. Finally, Ken grabs Lisa and they head upstairs and we hear the now infamous, “GOODBYE KYLE.” I don’t know what it all means, and I’m very tired, but I do know this: there’s no way everyone makes it out of this alive. Who do you think we’ll really be saying goodbye to in the end?

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