The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season finale recap: Checkmate Bitch, then Reunion Part 1
Back at Villa Rosa, rich people were socializing uncomfortably beneath the twinkling production lights. David saw his ex-wife Linda and asked his Queen for direction. Should he say hello? Yolanda’s face went unreadable. “Yeah, if you want to,” she said with perfect disinterest. Lisa admired the former couple’s rapport, to which a territorial Yolanda purred, “I made them be good together.” At that David had given his contractually bound 15 minutes to production so he made a hasty goodbye. “David, I love you,” Lisa cooed after his expensively clad back, “maybe I’ll see you in Portofino.” Things you’ll never hear on Orange County.
Meanwhile Brandi and Yolanda were still reeling from Faye
putting her big fat dick on the table accusing Brandi of breaking up Adrienne’s family. Jennifer appeared, sorry that she hadn’t loomed like a silent citadel at Brandi’s side during the attack. So she went and summoned Marisa who just rolled with it. “Okay, yeah, so I get this text…,” she started in again quickly. Marisa just wanted to get this ugliness over with so she could go make winky fish faces at the SUR bartenders. Marisa may have been careless at Adrienne’s party but she isn’t toxic. Brandi forgave her but she still had one nagging question. Who said that she flirts with all the men? Um, awkward. “That was Faye,” said Yolanda. Andy, roll the tape!
On the other end of the party Taylor tearfully asked for Linda Thompson’s blessing to be friends with Yolanda,who incidentally has never seemed particularly interested in being friends with Taylor. Taylor’s friend Dwight was there and he was his predictable unctuous goober self.
Finally this party looked like it could mellow out and find its romantic stride. Uh oh, Faye still had some molten skin to shed, this time at Lisa’s feet. First of all, thank you for the lovely party, your dress is so cute, by the way I think you’re a low-down fink using that tacky bitch Brandi to get even with people who’ve wronged you in the past, she said. Lisa, always so sensitive, took umbrage at Faye’s accusations. “But this is your home and I would never insult you” Faye insisted. It’s just that Lisa is such a Bobby Fischer—cutaway to Kyle at Season 2 Reunion!—and she treats people like pawns and it’s too bad she thinks friendship is a game is all. But those mini lamb chops? To die for! Lisa looked increasingly flabbergasted by the woman’s gall, at which point Yolanda strutted up to them, ready to rumble. As opposed to Kyle, who was wringing her hands over on the sofa. “I really don’t like getting involved when people are arguing,” she whined. Oh honey, we just don’t believe you.
Yolanda rubbed her knuckles with her hand while peering down menacingly at Faye Arsenic, which for all Brandi knows is the woman’s last name. Faye explained that she is a super hero who stands for justice but she also fights all of her own battles. Yolanda, dress this bitch down: “You just came to the table fighting Adrienne’s battle,” she began. “And second of all, let me speak, you were fighting Kyle’s battle the other day, which was hearsay.” Faye started sputtering lamely about her precious goddaughter Porsha’s bathroom being defiled. “All I know is it was inappropriate to do as a mother,” she said. In her best retort of the night, a wordless Yolanda gave Faye a quick disapproving once-over. Sensing that she had lost the war, Faye pleaded boredom. SO GO TO BED! roared Brandi.
NEXT: Adrienne makes her entrance; Lisa and Ken rise above.
Kyle suddenly appeared suggesting everyone just move on and hushing Lisa’s still-hurt feelings. “Well we don’t need this to be a nightmare of a night,” said Kyle, obsessively smoothing her sheath of hair. This is about Adrienne and… At that Kim unexpectedly flared up, horribly offended. This is about Kim, Kim insisted. “Just do me a favor, don’t forget. Acknowledge it. What’s the secondary? And you forget about it!” What’s happening? And where did Camille come from? Then Kim reminded us that in the first season Kyle almost destroyed her life by calling out her alcoholism in the limo. Then Brandi did the same when she accused Kim of using crystal meth in her bathroom. But isn’t the point of recovery that one takes accountability for their own actions and stops blaming others for her mess? Now I’m nervous. Yolanda, take me back to the lemon grove.
Luckily Lisa had long since ditched all this yammering and gone to bond with Pandora. Just when things were starting to get kind of nice and sentimental a gummy-looking Adrienne showed up. A whimpery Kyle, Kim and Mauricio immediately surrounded her on the sofa while Camille cozied up on her lap. “The last few weeks have been difficult with Paul and I,” said Adrienne. “So now we’ve split.” Huh? Adrienne was sad about the kids and Kyle politely wondered if the woman had any hope for her marriage left. Marriage? Oh no, that’s done. By this point Adrienne was disgusted that Lisa hadn’t yet come over to say how courageous she was for putting on her black evening jumpsuit on such a trying day. Adrienne out!
That left a circle Housewives to mull the legal particulars of divorcing millionaires. Does one file for separation? Iron clad prenup? Ah, married for nine years not 10. Beverly Hills, where love goes to die. At one point, after Lisa called Adrienne the bush to Paul’s tree, Kim bopped her sometimes nemesis on the head. “Security have her removed,” joked Lisa. “Oh please,” scoffed Kim, “security and I are old friends now.” Hey, Kim made a funny!
But Lisa was bumming. Adrienne’s appearance had tarnished what was supposed to be a romantic evening. Was it appropriate to celebrate her 30 years of marriage when another Housewife would soon be pretending to date a Sober House alum? Brandi gave her a totally weird and winning pep talk. “You have to do this for our boyfriend,” she said. “Ken is going to die soon.” I do love them.
During Ken and Lisa’s vow renewal Brandi looked happier than anyone else, even Pandora. Ken’s vows were dazzlingly dear, of course: “I’ve always loved you, but probably never deserved you. You are the most honest, loyal, and reliable person I know.” Cut to Kyle, looking frozen. Take it away Lisa: “I am the woman I am today because I’ve grown up with you.” Oh my God, Mauricio is your heart totally swelling? “So. Cute.” Ken really went for a wedding cake french kiss. Rather than bask in a bit of afterglow—we made it to the end! let’s honeymoon on a real show like The West Wing!—we rolled right into the Reunion.
NEXT: “Have you had to give up any more Birkin bags?” Andy asked, trying not to smirk.
Quick rehash: Adrienne a coward and a rat. Brandi just fights back is all. Yolanda accuses the women of not properly welcoming her into their group and doesn’t necessarily believe sexuality is a choice. Taylor only drinks when she’s happy now and is totally in love. “Brandi, what did you think of Taylor dating a married man?” pressed Andy. It took me 43 minutes before I realized that Marisa wasn’t there. Poor Marisa. At one point Andy asked the women if they’d like to meet the new Housewife. Everyone said yes and we all waited for LeAnn Rimes to strut onto the set in her little black leather shorts. Pscyh! giggled Andy. Lame.
Back to bitchery: Lisa accused Kyle of aligning herself with Adrienne to benefit her bank account and similarly cooling on their own friendship once Mauricio had his commission in pocket. Yikes, Lisa, them some harsh words. Yes Kyle feels replaced by Brandi but Brandi said she doesn’t talk smack behind her friends’ back. Oh yeah, well Yolanda totally crapped on Lisa in Paris. Yolanda denied this, even though we all know it was kinda true. “YO-landa!” screamed Kim. “YO-lan-da!” Kyle rightly pointed out for someone who says she only talks about people to their faces Yolanda’s blogs, which were stellar, often dripped with insult for her fellow Housewives. “My blogs are my opinions,” said Yolanda.
Friends, my recaps are my opinions.
Next week: Lisa chooses Yolanda’s version of the truth over Kyle’s. Mauricio shows up to give his two cents on the season: “Amazing.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe