In Puerto Rico, Brandi accuses Lisa of betraying Mauricio and Kyle. We're going to need some more coconut rum punch.

By Karen Valby
Updated February 25, 2014 at 05:33 PM EST
Credit: Bravo

Vamanos! Joyce, so endearing at LAX as she nearly cracked acknowledging her father’s death but refused to let it become a storyline, wants everyone to have fun. The trip though got off to a painful start when Lisa and Ken opened the door of their hotel room and were stunned by the lack of opulence. Lisa tip toed into the bathroom, clutching her toiletry bag, and realized with a start that average people have probably urinated in this room in the past. “Giggy’s bathroom is bigger than this,” she said. (Giggy has a bathroom?!) “I didn’t come one holiday to relax and see Ken sitting on the toilet, let’s be honest.”

Luckily for everyone the views of the beach—I want to go into that bright shade of turquoise and never return—made up for the rooms. “This is why we came,” Lisa kept repeating herself, as if to banish the memory of 300 thread count sheets from her head. Everybody seemed ready to have fun. Kim kept muttering to herself in non sequiturs of Spanish (“A Coca Cola, with ice!), Mauricio and Ken kicked a soccer ball back and forth, Lisa’s breasts looked particularly relaxed. Yet Brandi and Yolanda were perturbed, although about what I’m still not sure. Is it that Lisa hovers too much around Brandi or not enough? Is it that Lisa has been a bitch to Kyle or is now too close a friend? Is Brandi jealous or disgusted? Would Scheana soon emerge from the water in a Forever 21 bathing suit that was never meant to actually get wet?

Lisa had barely placed her beachside order for a chicken sandwich when Yolanda, looking magnificent in her bikini, summoned her for a little confab. Are they Hollywood friends or real friends? Lisa wasn’t sure how to answer this. Then Yolanda wanted to know how it’s possible that Lisa could have called Mauricio a user one season and then be throwing a co-party for him the next. Valid questions perhaps but strange to be coming from Yolanda, who was really asking for Brandi, who took it upon herself to ask for Kyle, who she doesn’t really like but certainly doesn’t want Lisa to like more than her. The Richards sisters soon joined the discussion but Lisa quickly bowed out and joined the men. “They’re just mean and I want to go,” she whimpered. But dammit, the chicken sandwich!

Time for Brandi to drop a truth boom, or fire a reality cannon, or launch a based on actual events grenade. She claimed that before the Palm Springs trip Lisa noticed her spread of Is Mauricio cheating? tabloids splayed gleefully on her coffee table and tried to stick a couple in Brandi’s bag. Brandi resisted, which I’m not sure I buy, considering the pleasure she took in bringing up the rumors at that lunch. But Lisa kept trying to get them back in the bag.”I’m such an idiot,” said Kyle. Ten feet away Lisa and Ken fumed at the gathered women who clearly were discussing Lisa. “No thanks, been there,” she said. “Five against one is no fun.”

NEXT: Ask Scheana. Must we?

Yolanda went back over to try and force Lisa to fess up but Ken wasn’t having it. Yolanda balked at him butting into women’s business. “I’m having a conversation with your wife, she’s 55 some years old…” she said, in the most delicious exchange of the evening. “I’m 52!” Lisa cried huffily. Then Kim and Kyle sat down on the chaise, demanding answers. Did she try and pack the tabloid, yes or no? No matter how much a fan you are of Lisa, it’s hard to deny that the woman refused to answer the question directly. She’s not sure when she saw a tabloid. She never bought one, that’s for sure. Where were the tabloids? Why must people bore her with this conversation. Ken, who’s long been a staunch defender of Mauricio, even when Lisa cagily left the window open for his guilt, clearly is in the dark. He believes Lisa did no such thing so why won’t all these women get off her lovely back? It seemed like Lisa wanted him to let it go already because she knows she may have actually done a boo boo by trusting Brandi.

On the bus to dinner that evening, Lisa confronted her former chickadee.”Brandi, I don’t understand what’s going on,” she said. “Ask Scheana,” said Brandi. Lisa looked confused, if again a little evasive. Was Scheana ever in the audience of Dancing with the Stars or wasn’t she? demanded Brandi. (If you were wondering what the world’s most ridiculous, low-stakes question was we now have our answer!) Brandi challenged Lisa to a lie detector test, which I for one would love to see on the typically baggy Part 2 of the Reunion. “I’m glad you’re capitalizing off of my heartbreak,” said Brandi. At dinner, Lisa whispered what appeared to be a genuinely vulnerable declaration of love into Brandi’s ear but maybe it was just an effort to shut the woman up. Who knows? Who cares? Mauricio does! Because he for one would like to know who his friends are once and for all. We do know for certain that Kim and Ken are not friends. “I’m tired of your mouth!” she squawked. “You’re a big stubborn old man.” Then Kyle looked ready to hide under the table when Kim turned the conversation from the tabloids to fricking Wisconsin again. Kim, move on!

Ken had had enough by this point. You know the truth, you know the truth and you know the truth! he shouted as they left the restaurant. Wait, I don’t know the truth! “Here’s to us, we’re always together,” said Ken. And the most glamorous couple in the world toasted their spotty glasses of Minibar wine with a pack of Marlboro Lights on some metal balcony chairs. I love your loyalty Ken, but I’m not sure you know the whole story.

Next week: Ugh, Carlton.

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