The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Who You Calling A Spaghetti and Meatball?
Will Joyce call Brandi a bully and will Brandi tell her to shut the f- up? The journey continues...
How was tonight’s episode you wonder? Well let’s just say it opened with Kim getting her wiener waxed. And Kyle considered getting her tweeter twedazzled. Then Kim considered putting her wiener on a cleanse with lemons from Yolanda’s grove but decided that was an unnecessary step.”It’s not like mine’s been eating a whole lot anyways,” she said. Then Kyle went spread eagle and submitted herself (and that poor, poor production crew) to her own wiener wax. Suddenly Kim came was on the table getting what I’m pretty sure was an actual nose hair wax and not another bizarre euphemism for vaginal work and Kyle thrust a pink dildo in her hand. Confused? Bored? Welcome to episode 11.
Surprise, Carlton has chosen another naughty activity. And this time she’d been hitting the tequila thimble and brought a friend who speaks fluent stuffed animal. “Don’t break your perfect little nosey on the poley?” her plaything meowed at her. Carlton for one was greatly amused by her F—- Off panties. Maybe Yolanda is right after all and there is nothing more unbecoming than a drunk woman. Brandi looked like she’d rather be anywhere else in the world but gamely slid down the pole into a depressed split.
Meanwhile Kim had her daughter’s graduation party to host. She’d been planning a Coachella-style event in her big sister’s field but then Kathy fled for Buckingham Palace. (Wait, wha? I don’t know either.) Turns out Kimberly’s father is quite the piece of eye candy. Everybody was enjoying a lovely evening of virgin pina coladas while outside Brandi and Carlton sat limbs akimbo on the front stoop gnawing their Fat Burgers. Don’t make eye contact Porsha! The strippers finally made it inside only for Brandi to beeline it to dry heave in the bathroom while Carlton demanded alcohol from everyone in her path. Despite a couple of unseemly guests, Kim’s night was a terrific success and her loving speech to her daughter was refreshingly succinct and on subject.
NEXT: Joyce and Brandi, the remix. Or rather, the re-re-remix.
Remember Season 1 when Lisa made me cry talking about her love for her adopted son Max. Those were the days. Anyhow, the subject of foster children is dear to the woman’s heart so she enlisted the women to comb through their overprivileged closets for possible prom dresses for teenage girls. Lisa had planned a civilized breakfast for the event but things quickly went south when Kim mentioned that her hairdresser had spotted the hostess out on Saturday night after having begged off Kimberly’s graduation party. “I was in Missouri,” Lisa kept insisting. I figured the woman couldn’t make such a thing up but Kim wasn’t going to let it go, not even for the alopecia-ridden children. Ken was growing increasingly miffed as he pawed at his smart phone for photographic proof and frankly why was this even an issue considering they’d given Kimberly a Tiffany’s present and RSVP’d weeks ago. He grew so protective of his wife, negating his comments last week that Joyce’s husband should’ve kept quiet, that he lobbed a jab at Kim for always failing to turn up in the past. It was awkward, especially for Joyce who kept trying to keep things on an even keel by talking about just how wonderful the party had been and that her headpiece couldn’t stop talking about it for the rest of the weekend.
Kyle showed up with her bunny-eating dog Roxy, hoping Lisa was serving croissant-wrapped Giggys for appetizers. Soon Lisa and Kyle were reliving their past harmonious days, splashing each other and marveling over Lisa’s bra size, while Joyce and Brandi went at it for the millionth time.Brandi just wanted a few things clear: She’s stupid, but not a racist. She’s a bitch, not a bully. Tomato, tomahto. Joyce said one of the smartest things ever uttered on this show. “I’m not saying you’re a racist,” she said about Brandi’s bonehead pool comment. “That was a racist comment.” Please Brandi, recognize. But then Joyce followed it up with the nonsensical declaration that “I’m not a 100 dollar bill that you need to like.” Brandi obviously hadn’t yet seen the results of Joyce’s anti-bullying photo shoot because she told her “If I was a f—ing bully I’d have knocked your teeth out by now.”
Somehow this conversation ended in a hug between Joyce and Brandi. Resolution? “Don’t touch me, ew.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe