Slow episode: A bee gets killed, a Housewife faints, and Yolanda inches forward in her recovery
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills
Credit: Bravo

Patience, my friends. Remember that no quality Housewives season starts with a bang (except for that time in New Jersey at the christening, and that arc ended up a toxic snooze). This was a slow episode, with vague battle lines being drawn over elaborate lunch settings. But soon blood will be drawn. Of course it will likely belong to David the dog trainer. Kingsley, sit!

The hour began with Housewives commiserating to their housekeepers and nannies. Would that Blanca and Rocio were our two new Housewives! Yolanda was getting port removal surgery so Blanca had filled up dozens of empty Fiji water bottles with master cleanse potion. Do you want to know what it’s like to work for the very rich by the way? They make you go on a cleanse for 20 days with them. Yolanda was feeling vulnerable so she was in her security clogs. David Foster was there to be supportive, though I picture him telling the camera crew that he had 20 minutes to film and then he was outta there. But seriously David, our stoic gal needs you. “Lyme disease showed me that I could be a good husband,” he said, “because I’ve failed at that a couple times at least.” Though to be honest I can’t imagine a worse way to wake up from surgery than my husband telling me my kid was feeling weak and dizzy from her own fast. David, you could have easily handled this by telling the girl to eat a little bowl of butter and parmesan noodles. Instead Yolanda groggily advised her daughter to meticulously chew a few almonds. Yolanda, for that you get three raps on the head with a Fiji bottle.

Meanwhile Lisa was feeling a bit swoony about her all obligations. There was the house to run, Giggy to nuzzle, the SUR cast to pretend to give a damn about, and all that bloody dancing with Gleb (whose hotness got halved when he acted like a goofball at the post-performance dinner). Plus now she wants to develop a gay garden bar called Pump and Ken is after her to deal with the ur-eye-nals situation. It’s just too much. So was that a legitimate faint during her Dancing with the Stars rehearsal or a strategic wilting of her flower to get off the show? The Richards Sisters certainly called BS from Kyle’s enviable screening room. “Some people just aren’t cut out for fake faints,” declared Kim, who has had mountains of experience with the real and pretend kind.

NEXT: Taylor sighting.The woman popped up for a dinner, but Bravo made sure she was limited to less than five words. Her lawyer is her boyfriend. The end.

Brandi moved into her new house, or at least she moved in a bottle of rose and a leather-bound book of Brandi verse. Oh God, please tell us her next book deal won’t be for poetry. She kept telling us her Mom was awesome, and I’m sure she is, but the woman was kind of a downer. The stove was too small and would her daughter ever get a real dining room table? How about some wine, Ma? She looked at the Chaos label and shrugged. “Chaos, kind of sounds like your life.” Apparently, Brandi’s Dad isn’t feeling too lovey dovey lately either. He’s still smarting over Brandi’s lack of an Oscar dress. Hope he didn’t watch WWHL last night. Nip slip on the After Show!

First trip to Carlton’s house, which was a really cozy mix of crosses and pentagrams. Just want to snuggle up with a good book under one of those heavy wrought iron chandeliers. Sadly, I couldn’t tell if the woman, while helping her daughter with math homework, was joking when she asked the girl what grade she was in again. It’s a Mysteri! After homework it was time for Carlton’s sports manager husband, who she met in a club brawl, duh, to put the kids through their workout. Some sprints, some trampoline work, finish with a Gatorade cut with dove’s blood.

Later Carlton and Joyce were summoned to Kyle’s house for an allegiance try-out. Things got off to a rocky start when Carlton was trying to describe the trauma of a black cat eating a bird in her house and Kyle was all Anyhoo, how about some wine? Carlton’s eyes did that crazy thing her kids know to back away from immediately. To make matters worse Kyle then made her friend kill a bee, an unforgivable act in Carlton’s eyes. Joyce was oblivious to any tension and proceeded to tell the group how she met her husband. It was a blind date and [insert 10,000 words here, Asia de Cuba, mercy makeup] and now she’s living happily ever after, snort snort. Across town Lisa gathered her blondes and they had a big laugh about Kyle and how she has no friends anymore.

Kim wisely chose to sit out both lunches, focusing instead on wittle Kingsley. It was time to get this pup trained once and for all, or at least after she finished nattering on to her daughter while the dog trainer waited at the front door. Before the lesson began in earnest Kingsley wanted to have a quick snack of trainer forearm. Then Kim and her son brought the dog outside and it looked like they were trying to lambada with the animal rather than get him to sit. Just please tell me this whole Kim’s-rehab-mirroring-the-pit-bull’s-training storyline isn’t going to end with her giving up the dog. Because that I cannot abide.

Well pit bulls, was Taylor a sight for sore eyes? Did Lisa fake faint? Is a cleanse/fast ever a good prescription for post-op or teenage girls? Talk to me. If F- you, F- this, F-that, F- him, F- off the logical title for Brandi’s next book?

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe

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