A lunch at Carlton's castle took a nasty turn when Brandi started prodding Kyle about cheating rumors.

By Karen Valby
Updated November 19, 2013 at 02:46 PM EST
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The first slog of this episode was so numbingly boring that I feared Beverly Hills may finally have lost its delicious, ridiculous bite. Brandi disrobed and took a bath, under the guise that she does her best thinking in a tub in front of a production crew and her faithful friend Jennifer. Joyce nattered on about her start-up Queen of the Universe pageant and tried to reenact some scenes from Pretty Woman. (Andy Cohen to his Real Housewives casting team: You guys, big mistake with this one. Huge.)

Then Yolanda got some blood drawn and ate a macrobiotic salad with Gigi. Lisa got the boot from Dancing with the Stars and Giggy wore a little tuxedo in honor of her final bow. Brandi went on a lunch date with her realtor friend J.R. to supposedly dump him but really to snap at him for going to Texas with a bunch of couple friends and not invite her. “I don’t trust anyone and I’d rather break up with them then have them break up with me,” she explained. “So I’m all f—ed up, yeah. Welcome to divorce, bitch.” Welcome to a lame episode, bitches!

But then we headed to Carlton’s haunted house and things started to get a little freaky. So many things to ponder. What is with the crackly weird sexual tension between Carlton and Nanny Tinkerbell Elizy? Who’s taking care of the kids when Elizy is busy telling Carlton how much she loves her or serving lunch? I love a beautiful woman but surely there are more important job prerequisites when it comes to caring for two-year-olds, yes? Is tonguing your toddlers a thing?

In the limo ride over, Kyle of course wanted to discuss Lisa’s swoon during rehearsal. Brandi hopped to, and immediately declared that she’d never seen anyone faint so pretty and perfect. “It was a princess faint,” she said. (Cue Kim’s reenactment, the best unscripted moment of the night, when she tumbled off her interview chair in a Coca Cola red silk blouse heap.) My call is that Kyle was being a bit of a snip bringing the faint up to begin with, and Brandi was indulging in some low grade teasing of her friend. No harm, no real foul, until Brandi then went and brought up to the anti-Kyle faction and billed the conversation as controversial. For shame, Twiggy! In her retelling, Brandi distanced herself from the conversation, ground Kyle under the limo, and put Lisa into a huffy mood.

NEXT: Practical Magic

Kyle couldn’t say anything all afternoon without earning herself one of Carlton’s stares of displeasure. After looking around at the crosses hanging from every wall and ceiling, Kyle wondered, perhaps glibly, “Were you raised Catholic?” How very rude and inappropriate, snapped Carlton. “Have you ever explored with witchcraft?” Kyle later asked. “Really?” said Carlton. Yes, really, Carlton. When you say offhandedly that you once practiced dark magic, what exactly do you mean? Should I expect a wart to crop up on the tip of my nose for calling you out in this little blog as being erratically self-serious and uptight in the season’s early episodes? “You want to find out about me, get to know me,” said Carlton. That’s what the questions are for!, says I in my best Don Draper voice. Kyle annoyed Carlton again by suggesting that the hostess sit at the head of the table, and then annoyed Lisa by taking the seat herself.

Joyca had one good point of the night when she observed that Kyle seemed to annoy Carlton with all of her benign probing but the woman smiled happily when Brandy called her a good c—. Lisa was good-naturedly horrified by Brandi’s language but Yolanda told the woman not to appoint herself Brandi’s mother. Naturally, the conversations soon turned to Brandi’s tight as a tiger vagina. Ha ha ha, Carlton loves a little sexy talk. Ewww, except for when Joyce joined in the party and talked about her own Georgia O’Keefe. Then Carlton got huffy again and wanted everyone to die. “My husband is hung like a fucking donkey but I do not go around telling people about that,” she told the world.

But really, Carlton’s deal is she just loves women and we could really rule the world if we just stopped being so awful to each other. (“So true,” murmured Joyce, unaware that Carlton’s first job as ruler of the world would be to destroy her.). “And sleeping with each other’s husbands,” said Brandi. Speaking of… how ’bout them rumors about Mauricio? Kyle looked at her stunned. Brandi assumed that bogus expression of hers that says “What, I’m paid to be the frank one?!” Kudos to Lisa for gracefully defusing the conversation, though she then went and fanned the flames when Yolanda casually sneered that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

Kyle summed up the whole conversation rather succinctly. “You wish it were true even though you know it isn’t. And f— all of you.”

Is Carlton awful or amusing? Are you surprised that Yolanda of all people took to Carlton so easily? No matter how much you Kyle haters root against the woman, did y’all think Brandi struck low? (Think of Portia!) How soon before Lisa’s pink roses were burned in effigy at the altar of Carlton’s dolls?

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe

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