The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Part One Thousand
“I don’t care if I stripped when I was 20, 30, or 40,” announced NeNe. “I don’t want a dildo up my ass today.” Oh sweet lord, please let my daughter have been asleep in her bedroom and not listening to her fallen Mama watching her trash in the next room. NeNe was in a particularly bad mood last night, pursing her lips and deadening her eyes whenever the mention of sex toys or Kim’s fertility came up. Kandi tried going toe to toe with her about all her righteous eye-rolling over her Bedroom Kandi line. But Kandi’s fatal flaw as a debater is that she gets too animated, too-high pitched, and the conversation becomes one between two hysterical tropical birds. Plus, NeNe is an ace at avoiding accountability. There’s only so many times one can watch this argument go around: “You did this!” “Like you never did that!”
Andy, who needed to assert himself more this hour, wondered about NeNe’s Audi 5000 end to the season. “I am very much over it. See I believe that growth is a great thing,” she said, while Phaedra tried to keep from bursting out laughing. “I don’t feel like sitting around a bunch of women all the time yadayada she said she run over there and take that back henh henh henh!” she said. Okay, she went off the rails there a little but that actually is a pretty good synopsis of Season 4. What with her guest-starring role on Glee and her $25,000 check from Donald Trump, she doesn’t need to waste her time “sitting with a bunch of 40-year-old women gossiping about some bullshit.” (Do you see how clever NeNe is? Even got a little zing in on those claiming to still be in their 40s.) Oh, and is it so wrong that she’s not into sex toys? You say dildo, NeNe says shower massager. And if she wants to couch her opinion with a lot of sneering, stuck-up dismissive put-downs well isn’t that her right as a an occasionally mean-spirited reality TV star?
There was some happy news at least. Kandi has fallen hard for the production manager of the show. His name is Todd, he’s fine, and he was a welcome distraction from Sheree’s back-stabbing in South Africa. They’re moving in! To a third house! “Match-making at Bravo,” purred Kim. “Great transition!,” high-fived Andy, who introduced a cutesie Kim and Kroy clip montage that turned NeNe’s stomach. Announcement time! Kim’s four months pregnant and she’s keeping the baby’s sex a secret. NeNe hissed her Congratulations and Cynthia, who up until this point had been silent, put on her sincere voice to wish Kim’s growing family well.
NEXT: NeNe and Sheree get in the ring.
“Kim, I’m worried about you,” said Andy, in a rare moment of awkward honesty. “I’m worried that you’re, like, spending all your money. Are you blowing through Kroy’s money?” Kim shut him down quick. “I made more money than Kroy did last year, by the way,” she said. “He’ll be pleased to hear that,” smirked Andy. (Andy Cohen, I love your boozy equanimity, but for shame. Would it really be so embarrassing a revelation for a man that his wife makes as good if not better money than him?) Anyways, Andy must have confused Kim for a dummy who doesn’t treat money with sense and respect. New boat, whee! And yes, Sweetie is still a part of her life. But questions about Big Poppa are not.
Oh Sheree, you did yourself no favors last night. You went after Phaedra for failing to treat your case against Bob Whitfield with the off-camera tenderness and care it deserved. Attorney Parks defended herself gracefully, rightly pointing out that she did everything by the book and that the case is now in the same holding pattern despite Sheree’s supposedly new-and-improved lawyer. Sheree wouldn’t let it go though so Phaedra finally pushed her off. “I’m going to let you wear the crown because you’re the queen of throwing everybody under the bus,” she said. Sheree dodged the inevitable inflatable air mattress question by insisting that it was a dog pillow, y’all! Then she further insisted that Chateau Sheree was moving forward now that she was working with a less crooked contractor. NeNe scoffed at the idea of Sheree’s fantasy Neverland. “Come visit,” hissed Sheree. “What am I going to visit, sticks?” said NeNe. And some bugs and hills of dirt too!
NeNe and Sheree then devolved into an ugly bout of caterwauling. NeNe suggested that Sheree bleach her teeth and hit the treadmill. Sheree screeched the same back at her. Andy fanning himself with his notes. Accusations were flying fast and furious, about pasts and riches and thighs and molars. Andy, boo, can you referee this one? “Fix that body!” NeNe screamed. “Fix that face!” Sheree shot back. Uh oh, Sheree messed up bad then and brought up NeNe’s son’s arrest at Wal-Mart. That sent the fight to the whole next level, although this time NeNe was actually right to feel the burn. Even Sheree looked cowed, knowing that she had fed NeNe’s sense of righteousness and made herself look bad in the process.
Forecast: Marlo coming, with a real chance of Whorenados.
Well friends: Who shined bright last night? Or at least who had about them a dim glow of humanity? Who flopped? Is Kandi probably the richest of them all? Was Kim dressed as a mermaid? Is Andy over the lot of them? Are you?