The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Escape from Haterville
Bye haters! NeNe hits Miami with Cynthia and Kandi, while Kroy plans a surprise party for a very pregnant, practically incontinent Kim.
If there’s two things NeNe will have us know about her, it’s that she is enormously rich and that, at least in her mind, which sees persecution everywhere, her enemies resent her her good fortune. “Bitch, I’m rich. It’s a fact.” Didn’t Oprah say that once? Haters, NeNe has a few. And so what our girl needed was a break from Haterville. Off she went to Miami for a weekend of fun with her girlfriend Cynthia and a possible Season 4 ally she’s auditioning, Kandi. From the get, the women had one thing on their mind, and that was some “strictly dickly.” Wouldn’t you know it? Pride weekend in Miami. Lesbians as far as the eye could see. And two Italian (?) gentlemen with a frisbee and no plans for the evening.
“You been throwing them legs back?” NeNe demanded of Kandi, while a little bell boy cringed in the bathroom, turned the faucet on high and started humming to himself. “What about your legs?” shot back Kandi. “I know you already knocked the dust off that thing.” Here’s a guess: The dust remains settled on NeNe, who may talk big about her love of eaters, but I believe is in fact a nervous, flibberty gibbet of a thing when it comes to men. As in all matters, she talks hard, but does so to conceal the fact that she is a big mush pot who doesn’t have a handle on her strong emotions. Or, as Kandi so dispiritingly put it, “She has this angry, black woman side that is just ready to pounce.” Let me rephrase what Kandi said so as to avoid perpetuating bunk, clichéd, infuriating stereotypes: “She has this angry side that is just ready to pounce.”
Time to hit the beach! NeNe tucked her nipple back into her seashell-colored bathing romper and Kandi revealed to the world her force-of-nature thighs. “Kandi’s playground!” Cynthia and NeNe cat-called. Poor Kandi, who looked terribly uncomfortable with her body, said she wanted to lose 15 lbs, which was kind of a shame because every single scene this episode showed her eating like a cow. (And please understand that’s not a knock on the actual ingestion of food, but the manner of it getting mashed up in her mouth.) Anyways, Kandi was celibate for 10 months, with the thanks of her sex toys. Well NeNe is celibate too but she doesn’t want her coochie getting burnt up, thank you very much. Hey Neens, you know it doesn’t double as a curling iron, right? Cynthia has something to add to the conversation! She really likes kissing and sometimes kissing leads to the other thing. Later she went back to her hotel room and she and Peter had crazy phone peck.
NEXT: “I’m kinda book smart and I lack in the common sense arena.”Back in Atlanta, Phaedra put on lots of black and extra silver eye shadow to go bow down at the foot of Willie Watkins, King of the Funeral. Phaedra assured him that her intentions were good. Money! Willie urged her to lead with compassion. Money! Compassion? If she couldn’t lead with her heart, perhaps she could at least cover some more leg. No problem, said Phaedra. She whipped out a prayer cloth to cover her “luscious thighs” and in doing so flashed all 57 flavors of her nail polish. This storyline simultaneously bores and bugs. Apollo seemed to have a similar reaction. At the end of a conversation in which she insisted her man step in line with their new family business Apollo looked like he was only half-joking when he went to pop her one.
Sheree and Kim went out to dinner and split a side of hate. How do you solve a problem like NeNe, they asked each other. Kim spoke with a curled lip, she’s so over the woman. Sheree pretended to have a look of concern about NeNe, but really she just wanted to trash the girl. What was that show their nemesis was on again? Not buying it, haters! They couldn’t believe what an ass she made of herself on Celebrity Apprentice. “Dionne Warwick, Latoya Jackson, Star Jones,” said Kim. “These are like A-list people.” Um… Eventually the women moved on from hate to love and Sheree gave Kim a chance to gush on Kroy for a bit. He’s a sensible man, that one. When Kim wants to buy fur-lined Gucci burp clothes he insists she go for the cotton five-pack at Target instead.
It’s an odd thing then to see a happy couple on this erratic show. But dang if Kroy and Kim don’t genuinely amuse and settle each other. So, so strange that Kim of all people would have found and recognized a good partner. The woman is now weeks away from giving birth which meant she talked a lot to Chanel about having to go tee tee. (Chanel was all ‘Bitch, I’ve already tee teed six times today on this duvet.”) Downstairs Kroy and Sweetie were making last-minute plans for the surprise party to celebrate Kim’s 33rd. No idiots invited. I think that means you NeNe.
Before the party Kroy took Kim to a sweet little dinner where Kim fantasized a bit about being a new mother once more. “The day after the baby comes we’re going to go out and get margaritas out the friggin’ wazoo.” Aw, I hope she wrote that down in Kroy Jr.’s baby book! She’s going to get botox, she’s going to lay her thighs on that cellulite machine, she’s going to get a peel so that her skin falls off in layers like a snake. And somehow Kroy just kept looking at her with delight. I dare say they’re soul mates. Then he started talking about guns and fingerprint cases and Kim looked simultaneously alarmed and horny. She’s got herself a man’s man, alright! “I’m kinda book smart,” she said (she said that!), “and I lack in the common sense arena. I feel like Kroy knows everything.” After dinner she had to tee tee so bad it was coming out her side boob, which gave Kroy a chance to call home and tell everyone to get ready to hide.
NEXT: Haters not invited.
Surprise! Kim looked genuinely shocked, and grateful for her friends and family. “Come out NeNe!” Phaedra called, which actually made me laugh. Kandi wasted no time in regaling the women with tales of her recent Miami trip, teasing NeNe’s Tourette’s like pronouncements of her sudden wealth. Not cool, Kandi. Off to the races Kim and Sheree went busting NeNe’s repo’d car and her funky teeth. “NeNe got her teeth done for free, but then she ate them,” laughed Kim. I don’t understand any of that sentence but it frightens me. (On WWHL NeNe flashed her pearly whites, grinning like a mean Disney animal, and asked Andy who in the world gives out veneers for free?)
In the background, Arielle slid down the banister and possibly broke it. Sweet Riley said her mama would bust her if she dared think about having a boyfriend. All of the girls blushed when Phaedra said she was hard up. It sounded like Apollo didn’t want to have sex with her when she was pregnant and doesn’t much care to now either. Not Kroy, who looked like he wanted to be the massage chair to Kim’s aching back as soon as the guests left. Oh God, is that really how I’m going to leave you all for the week? Sorry friends.
Next week: New Jersey defiles christenings. Atlanta, baby showers. Peter and Apollo snort and huff at each other!
Did your heart break a little for both Sheree and her beautiful, inarticulate son Kairo during that shoe-shopping trip? Does Kandi need to kool it with the gossip? Kroy seems like a reasonably good egg, don’t you think? How long do you give Phaedra and Apollo? Who’s going to be watching the baby on the second day of his life when Mama is under her margarita drip? Sweeeeeee-tie!
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