The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Waiting to Exhale
A terribly vulnerable Sheree went to court but her lawyer Phaedra got her donkey booty handed to her. And Kim's house smells of poop.
Didn’t this odd hour of Tuesday night TV feel like one of those extra mash-up episodes of Housewives Bravo likes to air after the reunion special? It was mostly odds and ends, from the adorable (I’m no fan but Miss Joyce hop scotching with her daughter and granddaughter was awful sweet) to the asinine (purple vibrators). In one stoic bleat of obnoxiousness on Kandi Koated Nights! Charles Grant managed to alienate all of Atlanta’s female population, to say nothing of Honda Civic drivers. “I think women in Atlanta don’t preserve themselves quite as well as they should,” he said. “They sell their souls too fast. Carry yourself like you a hooker, you’re going to be treated like a hooker. Atlanta a pretend city. Everyone wants to be somebody.” And Marlo, who I’m unsure if Bravo is building up to be an actual character on the show, remains a mystery. How did she get her money together? Was it from the help of God or an old white sugar daddy as Kandi suggested? I smell a Big Poppa cameo! Ugh, smells like hair oil and old licorice.
Bob , that clever tom cat, got the jump on Sheree. He served her with a petition to modify his child support, declaring that his salary has shrunk from $20,000 to $3,000 a month. Sheree took the paperwork into Phaedra who reminded her friend that she still had the option of tossing his ass in jail for failing to give her a plug nickel over the last four years. But Sheree’s not going there so Phaedra tells her she will have to defend the petition in court. And honey, she’s going to have to pay for Phaedra’s services too. (Business transactions amongst friends are always tricky things. Was Sheree being billed when Phaedra was marveling over her donkey boot in that black suit?) It hurt to see our lioness Sheree so flattened by the thought of meeting Bob in court again. She leaked throughout the episode, terrified of getting screwed over again by a court system overly impressed by her ex-husband’s local reputation history on the football field.
Phaedra will go to the mat for her friend, but it will cost her. “Everybody in Atlanta knows,” purred Phaedra, “Sheree has had some issues with attorneys and paying their fees in the past.” Oh honey, you’re going to pay for that one at the reunion. It took a few employees, and a trip to the salon, but Sheree finally did come through with that money. On the morning of her court appearance, Sheree cried into her makeup mirror, trying desperately to gain strength from a neon green smoothie. “I dunno Phaedra,” she said softly into the phone, wiping at her sad deer eyes. She’s not ready to go through this again, unsure if she has the energy for another messy battle that doesn’t go her way. “Today is going to be one of the easiest days you’ve ever had,” Phaedra promised. Then a sleepy Kairo wandered out of his room and the mood got even worse and I wasn’t sure who I would want to hug first if I was there.
NEXT: Phaedra gets blindsided.
What a relief. At least Miss Thelma showed up at the court to support her vulnerable daughter. Bob showed up, looking like a schlub from the IT department, his messenger bag of tricks hanging from his side. The man had decided to represent himself. Did he mention he went to Stanford? Before the proceedings could even kick off he presented the judge with a Petition of Contempt. Oh my word, did he look pleased as punch with himself. Sheree tried to stay hopeful. “Oh no, no, no, my attorney Phaedra Parks got something better for you boo,” she told herself. Uh, hmmm, maybe the judge noticed Sheree’s demure black slacks? Nope, she had nothing. His stall tactic worked and Bob lumbered off looking the real cock of the walk. Before he left he greeted Miss Thelma with a cordial kiss and hug. Thelma, get your hands off of that double-crossing man this instant!
That afternoon Sheree, Phaedra and Kandi met for lunch. Phaedra was all positive, determined that she was not going to take any blame for Bob’s sneak attack. “At the end of the day she was outsmarted by an ex football player who represented himself,” she said. Poor Sheree started crying then, which got Kandi upset over memories over her own tragic battles in court back when Riley was just four years old. Oh, it was awful, as unstaged and raw as fragile Kim Richards’ sobbing to her sister the night before. Phaedra tried to keep it positive—”No matter what trap he thinks he’s setting it aint’ going to work”—but Sheree looked ready to throw in the towel. Commenters, let’s all of us chip in and get this woman that Speak N’ Spell already!
Before we go, let’s quickly look in on Mama Bear Kim Zolciak. Her vagina hurts, what with “just having popped an 8 lb. baby out of my twat.” Kroy Jagger’s little wiener does too, so Kim is scared to change his diaper. Which is a shame because he popped an 8 lb. poop out of his bum. That damn dog Chanel is so unhinged by the arrival of a new family member that she peed and pooped all over the floor. Brielle looked like she might be next. Kim’s other children Jane and Debbie needed a good washing so Sweetie got out the extra virgin olive oil. “It ain’t pasta bitch, it’s a wig,” groused Kim. Brielle looked up from her phone and managed to make an expression other than lazy derision. “Effort starts with A, Mom,” she said, thereby announcing all that is wrong and dangerous about growing up in a home with a skewed value system. Put away the phone and the flat-iron, child. Get off the internet and start reading. It’s not too late! Kroy continued to acquit himself both admirably and adorably. He’s the only real baller of the bunch. Next week: Lord Jesus, sweet Jesus, not the credenza.Well folks: Three nights in a row of Housewives is a little much, yes? Did your heart break for Sheree? Were you surprised by the affectionate greeting Miss Thelma allowed Bob? Kim looked remarkably well what with her twat’s recent undertaking, don’t you think? Is there anything more wrong-headed and depressing than this conversation: “How to Hook a Baller and Keep Him Faithful”?
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