The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Out of Africa
The women return from Africa, and Kim is pissed that Kandi accused of her not liking orphanages. This is not an SNL skit.
Oh Sheree, didn’t we almost have it all? You were my Season 3 MVP. I cried for baby Sheree and the Speak N’ Spell she was long denied. I believed you when you said you were building a house with a ballroom. I defended you against all those air mattress haters. She had one sensible line all episode, in which she praised the glory of South Africa: “There’s this huge misconception in the media that Africa is just this gloomy, unsafe place. What we experienced was yeah people are having hard times but they’re happy, just happy to be alive.” And yet something hardened inside of Sheree while abroad. It’s like that crazy herbalist awoke the beast when he insisted that she would never marry again. You turned mean Sheree. You turned small. You turned on Kandi when you scurried to Kim with a mouthful of exaggerated tattling. I’m not sure you can make this right.
At least NeNe was happy! Atlanta’s biggest homebody was packing for the airport, gleefully stuffing her carry-on with bags of chips and trail mix. Meanwhile Marlo lounged on her bed in her peignoir, looking like the Fancy Feast persian cat leisurely spooning crushed sugar ice into her mouth. She wanted the Louboutins packed in the red bags, her various hand bags in their own separate luggage. She’s the worst.
Back home Kim was on the brink of losing it. Yes she had two housekeepers tending to her needs but she was starving and her boobs don’t make enough milk to satisfy chunk-a-KJ and all Sweetie wants to do is lounge out by the pool and talk to Brielle about boys. “What are you doing out here anyway?” Kim barked at her assistant. “You don’t need a tan!” Kim needed a nanny stat so Sweetie looked around the house and pointed wildly at the nice housekeeper who was bouncing KJ on her hip. What about Pincha?, she wondered dumbly and then told her boss that if she needed her she’d be upstairs in Arianna’s room watching a new episode of Kendra.
Peter may be a total boor but the scene of him helping lovely Noelle with her homework was rather charming. Cynthia presented her daughter with souvenirs of an African doll and a cute little elephant key chain before turning her dead eyes on her husband. Did he get a gift?, he reasonably wondered. Cynthia looked genuinely surprised by the question, before admitting that she hadn’t in fact thought of him once over the 10-day trip. Youch! After Noelle cleared out, Cynthia told Peter that Bryson had gone and gotten himself arrested for stealing some razors from Wal-mart. (Bryson, what the….?!) Then Peter asked Cynthia if she’d worked out on the trip because he was getting ready to work her booty up into a muscle spasm. They headed up to their boudoir to make up for lost time, by which Cynthia probably meant catching up on episodes of Desperate Housewives.
NEXT: Phaedra is subjected to another episode of foolery.
So we already knew that Kim and Kroy were leasing their 17,000 square feet mansion, but I hadn’t realized they were renting from their interior decorator Kendra. Do any of y’all also find it odd that an interior decorator would then have to come into her own house to redecorate in her renter’s style? It’s kind of like lending your favorite shirt to a friend and then agreeing to bedazzle it in her initials. Kim tried to explain to Kendra why she was so pissed off that Kandi had suggested she wouldn’t like to go to an orphanage and hold little black babies. (Is this whole pretext of an argument both the dumbest and most ripe for parody of a Housewives fight ever? Indeed.) Hadn’t she welcomed Kandi’s daughter into her home for a week after AJ’s death. “So you held that black baby?” says Kendra. In a moment that was emblematic of this whole tedious season, there was then an extended scene of KJ taking a long drawn-out poo in his diaper.
Other than NeNe stocking up on snackies for the plane, there was one other amusing bit this whole episode. Phaedra and Kandi drove by Sheree’s job site on their way over to Kim’s luncheon. There they stood, next to a crudely bulldozed scoop in the ground, with gnats buzzing around their puzzled faces. “Hmm,” the women said in unison. “I don’t think it’s going to be ready for the holidays,” said Phaedra. What would Season 4 have done without this woman?
Across town Peter was busy planning a one year anniversary party for his lovely wife. He was envisioning a black tie event for 150 people, but the only food offered would be the various vending machine snacks NeNe had leftover from her flight. NeNe came by to tell the befuddled party planner that she also wanted him to get that mermaid from Beverly Hills to flop around out by the pool. After the planner left, without a check in hand, Peter encouraged his friend to go bail out her son already. Five days in a holding cell could kill a boy like Bryson. “I feel like it’s time to show tough love and Bryson, he’s had a really easy life,” said NeNe. I would suggest that not buying him a flashy car earlier in the season, then giving him a cushy house instead of demanding he get a job and make rent, would’ve been smarter places to show tough love but I’m old school.
At Kim’s house, the women gathered uneasily in the foyer. There was some weird, insincere talk about the orphanage, and how sad it is that there are orphans in the world, before Kim cut to the quick. “What did you say Kandi about me and an orphanage?” she demanded. Kim loves babies, bitch, especially malnourished ones. There was some caterwauling, as Kandi insisted she never called Kim racist, and Kim brought up her nursing degree, and Sheree mucked around in other people’s business. Poor Phaedra, and that little white duck who couldn’t help but hear the ruckus, went to their happy places. “Honey I’m just enjoying my food and going on about my business,” said Phaedra. Girl, put it on a t-shirt.
Next week: Mal cries.
Well folks: Why does it feel like this season has been going on for the last 17 months and yet nothing has really happened? Did Sheree really bring up Kim in Africa by saying “Oh, Kim would’ve loved the orphanage!” or is that classic revisionist history? Can you forgive her for her unnecessary s— stirring? Who bothers you more: Sweetie or Marlo?