The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: The Royal Dedication
Sheree goes ring-shopping with her daughter's boyfriend while Kim finally confronts Cynthia about South Africa. Meanwhile, Ayden declared King of the World.
Poor Damon, how’d you ever get yourself into this mess? The young man found himself in the middle of a production crew at a high-end jewelry store, with Sheree studying his response to multi-carat diamond ring price tags. “I know what she wants and I know what she deserves,” Sheree said of her lovely and sensible daughter Tierra, who I hope was encouraged to go see the Hunger Games while last night’s episode aired. The saleswoman wondered if wide-eyed Damon had a budget. “I do, it’s a secret,” he wisely replied. “This one is $40,000,” the woman said by way of clarification. Champagne, anyone? “We have to keep in mind I have $40,000 in student loans,” he said, before taking a lusty glug. He admired a $6500 ring; Sheree sneered a little, remembering the expensive token of Bob Whitfield’s love and devotion that she once wore. This was not love’s finest hour, and boded poorly for what was to come.
NeNe made a very brief appearance last night, but the screen time gave her younger son Brent time to shine. While his nanny, the wonderfully named Miss Norris, puttered in the background of the kitchen NeNe asked after her boy’s emotional state what with the recent upheaval of his parents’ marriage. Was he okay? “Sure.” Feeling good? “Sure.” Does he love her? “Sure.” She asked him to give his parents a review. “You’re happier and you don’t say no as often,” he said. “At Daddy’s house he’s not a grouch.” I like Brent. He’s got some of his mother’s twinkle and his father’s sense. The future is yours Brent. Go to college. Pay for your razors.
Kim and her girls were all atwitter at the mansion because Kroy was finally coming home from training camp. This called for a home-cooked meal! Kim’s chef Christopher—why do I feel that Housewives all call the same 800 number for hire-a-chef when the production schedule calls for a kitchen scene—was making a lasagna that seemed to involve a top layer of American cheese slices. This meant that the Zolciak oven was de-virginized and we learned that not only do Kim’s wigs have their own names and rooms and personalities but when they are bad they get a time-out in the microwave.
Oh no, another photo shoot at which Apollo looked like he’d rather die. The time had come for Ayden’s dedication ceremony which meant Phaedra wanted to capture the moment with a royalty-themed family photo. “So sticking with the theme of royalty,” her stylist said, “we have this leopard print gown.” I don’t remember that shot from Kate and William’s People photo gallery. Luckily Apollo and her stylist steered her away from the beweled bondage look and more towards old money Michelle Obama. This whole ridiculous scene was forgiven because at one point Ayden’s little suit jacket lifted up and we at home were blessed with a shot of baby belly. Get me some of that baby!
Get me some of that baby, Damon cried out to the bartender. Hennessy and Coke. Wine. Moonshine. Rubbing alcohol. Somebody start pouring it down his throat immediately. Sheree looked aghast at her jonesing future son-in-law, wondering why the boy needed to be annihilated the night he proposed to her daughter. “This is a night I need to be loose!” he said. “On that day you wanna be fully aware, awake, alive,” she said, as if talking him down from the ledge. “This is supposed to be a moment that you are not going to ever forget.” The kid finally spat out what we’d all already started to suspect. “I’m not really sure if I want to do it,” he said. A tray full of drinks arrived. “Oh, bet you’re happy,” sighed Sheree.
NEXT: Kim and Cynthia take it outside.Okay, Kim grosses me out and all those elephant-sized pictures of her naked belly are the stuff of nightmares and I don’t understand why her girls are always dressed in too-tight bedazzled and tassled shirts but their excitement as Kroy pulled into the driveway was genuine and sweet. “Welcome home Daddy!” mother and daughters cried. “I was going to be in an apron naked but I thought that would be inappropriate in front of the girls,” said Kim. (See! Gross.) The family gathered on various chaise lounges and Kim dropped the bomb that she’d fired Sweetie. The girls looked momentarily shocked before they quickly turned en masse on her. Sweetie once burned the baby’s breast milk. She’d lolled around in the pool with Brianna-elle while Kim was once
surfing Perez Hilton trying to get some work done. She always swore at the girls. Good riddance. Something tells me Sweetie won’t go quietly. Perhaps she’ll turn up next season in Marlo’s closet, rearranging the Chanel section and painting her new Missus’ toes?
Dwight alert, y’all. He’d been put in charge of Ayden’s dedication which meant that he had to pretend to like kids and admire Phaedra’s figure again. More green tomatoes! Make it lush! Peter and Cynthia made it out for the event, presumptively applauding themselves for turning a corner in their marriage. Cynthia found it ironic that there were no Smalls in the house for Ayden’s big day. Poor child was marched toward the altar like Simba himself, his Target sippy cup the one blemish on the scene. “Ayden comes down the aisle like Coming to America,” said Peter. Don’t confuse me man by saying something halfway witty.
Kim, Kroy and a roly poly KJ showed up two hours late. They sat at Cynthia and Peter’s table but refused to even glance in their direction. Peter, who Kroy apparently hadn’t forgiven for acting the fool at their baby shower, got huffy of course. He bolted, leaving Cynthia alone to murmur on a loop that little KJ sure was cute. Finally Peter and Cynthia took their leave, with Cynthia hissing at him outside for abandoning her. While they were fussing, the K’s made their own exit in the background which for some reason made me laugh. Housewives choreography! “Let’s go!” said Peter, thinking they could make a quick getaway. Not so fast, supermodel.
Kim waddled up to Cynthia in the church parking lot, demanding to know just what was said in South Africa. Did Cynthia think she would or would not hold a black baby? This again! Would that Kim had pulled a black baby out KJ’s carriage and made a dramatic show of cradling him or her. And how dare Cynthia suggest she wouldn’t go to an orphanage. She loves orphanages. Some of her best friends are orphans. Her next single is about an orphanage. “Well, you’ve had a lot to say about me,” Cynthia protested lamely. Finally the woman gave up, admitted to Kim that she’d likely been out of line, and that she wished her nothing but well.
In the end Damon mustered up the courage to risk looking like an ass. “At this time I won’t be proposing to Tierra,” he told Sheree. “Right now it’s just not time yet.” I’ll give Sheree credit for actually handling this situation well. “I can see, you’re scared shitless,” she said, as they both started laughing. “I would rather you guys wait instead of getting into a situation where it doesn’t work out because you weren’t ready.” I’m sorry Tierra that this whole non-starter was captured on camera. I hope Damon took you to that movie last night and that he took a bit of that $6500 to take you to nice dinner beforehand. Also, I hope that Damon threw away that confusing shirt that had that distracting patch on the side that kept making me think he was wearing a weird stick-on name tag.
Next week: Kim’s creepy Dad appears to have dyed his remaining hairs.
Were you surprised when Damon backed out? Were you impressed by Sheree’s handling of the situation after she was so inappropriate ring shopping? Should Phaedra consider hiring a new party planner and start planning her events closer to town? Is that really the last of Sweetie?