The ladies deal with the challenges of motherhood and, occasionally, flying cockroaches

By Jodi Walker
Updated December 30, 2013 at 08:32 AM EST
Bravo

You may notice from the TV Recaps page that The Real Housewives series are just about the only shows dedicated enough to the medium of television to continue on their quest to share art and culture with the masses throughout the holidays. And as their viewers, we are nothing if not Bravo warriors. So, still home for the holidays, I watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta last night; I watched as they pumped their breast milk mid-conversation, as they burst into tears during the second course of every meal, and as they took shots with drag queens.

My mother, however — a proud Georgian woman herself — couldn’t watch with me. She could only listen in, as she cooked dinner in the kitchen, just out of view of the TV. Her occasional inquiries are scattered throughout this recap in brackets (I consider it nothing short of a blessing that my grandmother and father were both napping while Porsha screamed, “You don’t never need to come face to face with a vagina like that” in our family den).

The ladies wake up in Savannah, after last week’s rare happy ending, to cook breakfast together and have what seems to be the first non-producer-mandated seated meal of the season. They’re all dressed in a variety of jewel-toned loungewear and full false-eyelash makeup. After a revealing chat about phone sex (Porsha has a tattoo on her nether regions…the more you know!), Cynthia brings up my favorite 13-year-old non-aardvark, and yours: “Mr. Arthur.”

Nene starts yah-yahing about not agreeing with Cynthia’s decision to let Noelle date The Littlest Boyfriend, but everyone agrees it’s harder with teenage girls than boys [Mom: Are they always this loud? Me: Generally, louder.] Phaedra, as always, states it most concisely: “I am so thankful that I have boys because with a boy you only have to worry about one ding-a-ling; with girls, you have to worry about everybody’s ding-a-ling.” I am currently happy not worrying about anybody’s ding-a-ling, but I fear the day I have to consider the mental state of a hormonal 14-year-old boy.

Suddenly, Cynthia is breaking down in gasping sobs, black eye shadow everywhere. The editing and interviews try to make it seem like it’s because Nene’s teasing about how crazy teenage girls are these days is too harsh [Mom: Aw, are they not being sweet to her? Me: Sometimes they just inexplicably weep.], but really, I think Cynthia is just going through something. For some reason, Porsha and Kenya – ranked Housewife #5 and #6 on an alternating basis – follow her upstairs to console her through her breakdown. Cynthia says, “I’m never not thinking about what that little girl needs from me” and, I’ll tell you what, I got a little misty. Being a mom seems super hard.

Kenya reassures Cynthia that just how much she cares means she’s a good mom, and Porsha tells her to breathe, wash her face and put her smoky eye back on. Those, ladies and the one gentleman that might read this (Hi, thanks for reading!), are what we call priorities. Porsha and Kenya then proceed to have a heart-to-heart because the producers must have suddenly realized these women have lost the audience and Mynique isn’t exactly a viable season 7 replacement. They bond over their desire to have children and Kenya tells Porsha about how her lack of relationship with her mother has affected her hopes for having children in the future. It’s nice that they make amends and, like Porsha, I might be adding Kenya to my prayer list, but really, is anyone trying to watch this ragtag pairing in the future?

NEXT: Phaedra finds a surefire way to end a conversation with Kenya…

Apparently everyone sobs straight through from morning to evening because after a brief Porsha meltdown, they all transition from pajamas to pushing their boobs up in Lycra dresses and blowing mirror kisses in a matter of seconds. Kenya’s dog, Velvet, has apparently not been feeling well, so Kenya has flown her into Savannah. Because the best thing to do for a dog when it’s having diarrhea is pack it into a tiny box and then send it up 30,000 feet in the air.

Staying the logical and selfless route, Kenya decides it’s time to march into Phaedra’s basement oasis and make her talk about the thing they haven’t stopped talking about for the last nine weeks: Sextgate 2013. Phaedra says just about everything she can to not talk about it, barring, “You literally could not mean less to my life. They pay me to talk to you. I have JOBS.” She then sticks a breast pump down her dress and the soothing sounds of motherhood [Mom: What’s that noise? Is that a train?] hypnotize Kenya into thinking she’s accomplished something.

A couple of Ciroc shots later, the women then all head out to a Savannah drag show with the thinnest drag queen I’ve ever seen. Nene promptly gets hammered [Mom: It sounds like an auction, are they at an auction? Me: Yes mom, it’s an auction]. She gets the drag queen to call Mynique out for not being black enough or something and I just wish someone would leave the mixed race thing alone and call her out on spelling her name wrong. I mean, I’m not pronouncing a “y” as an “o.” I’ve compromised on a lot of my principles for this show, but “general vowel sounds” will not be one of them. After the drag show, everyone comes back to have a homemade supper prepared by Phaedra and Kandi. Kandi says, “When you want to have a big lavish dinner, you’ve got to put a lot of time and love into it.” [Mom: I know that’s right!] Apparently, Kandi has started working on producing a musical which she wants all of the ladies to be a part of. I’m assuming she doesn’t remember the Sheree Incident of 2011

Two things of note happen at the dinner table: 1. After some encouragement from Nene to take charge of her divorce if she needs it to slow down, Porsha texts Kordell and tells everyone she’s too nervous to reply back to him asking her what she wants to talk about. A couple of hot potato tosses later and Kandi has replied for her: “Us.” I only disagree with the women telling Porsha to be honest and vulnerable with herself. Porsha does not make sound decisions. Porsha should not follow her heart. It will lead her to Kordell, who once divorced her on Twitter.

2. Everyone freaks out because there’s a flying cockroach in the dining room. Kenya tries to kill it with a spray can of PAM but Porsha ultimately administers the slowest form of paper-towel-torture I’ve ever seen. Both of these events – the delicate issue of divorce and the cockroach killing – are given equal precedence and ellicit equally high-pitched squeals. The fact that, for this one dinner at least, a Housewives meal is actually used to catch up and have fun, rather than “address issues,” is so, so appreciated during this holiday season.

Best Lines:

– Phaedra to Kandi on successfully cooking dinner together: “I think we might have did a little something chile for the quick, quick.” Come again?

– Porsha in defense of Cynthia’s tears: “Nobody wants to think of their daughter twerking in the mall.”

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