On tap this week: terrible husbands, fix-it-yourself Nene, and clueless Kenya

By Jodi Walker
Updated November 11, 2013 at 04:31 AM EST
Credit: Bravo
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Welcome to regular recaps of season 6 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta! The ladies of Atlanta hold a special place in my heart: Not only are they from my home state, but these women are business owners, entrepreneurs, wives, mothers. And also totally out of their damn minds. They have get-togethers for four people catered, they become morticians in acts of whimsy, they start sex toy businesses and buy six houses and say things like, “Everyone knows an opinion is like an anus…we all have one.” What’s not to love?

Episode 2 finds Kenya winning her court case against that jerk Tanya the Landlord who tried to evict her. Kenya exits the courthouse with an attorney who looks far too sensible to be involved in this only to find “the paparazzi” waiting on her, anxious to get the verdict of her trial back to the front page editor of The New York Times straight away. Of course, by paparazzi I mean two dudes who Kenya paid to skip third period English and come take pictures of her with their digi-cams, and one guy who seems to have just wandered up for a chat. And by The New York Times, I mean Media Takeout, if she’s lucky.

Checking in on Porsha Stewart’s Sad But Honest Trip to Self-Discovery: Porsha has been staying with her mom (who is also Beyoncé’s mom because that woman is undoubtedly Tina Knowles) since Kordell filed for divorce and while rifling through her mom’s mail to find her spousal support check, she lets her know she won’t be spending a dime of it on a new place to live. Her mom momentarily looks like she dies a little inside but then lights back up realizing how much more they’ll be able to talk mad trash about Kordell, seemingly their family’s only hobby.

Still up in the clouds after her victory in court (and probably egging that jerk Tanya’s house), Kenya arranged a lunch with Nene to discuss how everyone can’t stand her, present company included. Nene arrives in a full camouflage outfit, because no one establishes dominance quite like Nene Leakes. Kenya greets her with what is apparently her standard Nene greeting these days – “Look at you, skinny Minnie” – but Nene doesn’t have time for brown nosing. She’s got TV shows to film, husbands to marry, lives to change.

Nene sets the tone of how this conversation will go: “I’m this friend: I’m going to tell you when you’re right and I’m going to tell you when you’re wrong.” I like when people explain the kind of friend they’re going to be to me; it’s very helpful in knowing what to expect. I’m sending out an email to my friends right now that reads, “I’m this friend: I’m only going to text you back about 60 percent of the time, but when I do, the extreme use of emojis will be well worth the wait.”

NEXT: Is anyone worse than Cynthia’s terrible husband Peter?

But mooooom, says Kenya, I’m allowed to be crazy to everyone and sext their husbands because I’ve been displaced from my home. Yes, Kenya Moore, creator of Booty Bootcamp, former Miss USA, current train wreck, thinks she has been displaced from her home. Nene tells her to cut the crap. She can easily find a place to live and she needs to lock it up about this Walter thing. And while she’s fixing things, maybe she should, uh, apologize to Phaedra for accusing her husband of sexting her on national television.

Ever the innocent, Kenya just can’t understand how people might have misconstrued her words to think that she meant Apollo was sending her “inappropriate” messages. I might say that it was because she was waving around a phone at last season’s reunion saying that very thing while Andy Cohen counted his money, but I’m just a TV recapper, what do I know?

Don’t worry K, Nene has a foolproof plan to make amends: Put all of the women who don’t like her together in an enclosed space so they can have a jam session about how terrible she is. Kenya smells an ambush, so at least we know her perfectly contoured nose is working.

Cynthia (wearing a Yankees hat in Braves country, which is actually punishable by law) continues to psych me out with her storylines. What seemingly started as a pregnancy scare was actually her telling her terrible husband Peter how bad the side effects of her uterine fibroid tumors have been recently, like stomach bloating that make her look pregnant. She asks him if he’s seen the blog posts about her looking like she’s pregnant at an event, which of course he has, because they have a specially installed alarm system in their house for their Google alerts.

Cynthia says it’s hard because she’s supposed to be the model, “so they’re happy to be like, miss model fat ass stomach” which is both the name of my girl band and the suggested title of this article. Cynthia’s terrible husband Peter implies to his wife, who is suffering from uterine tumors, that she looks pregnant because she eats too much, but he can help with that by telling her that she’s fat and she should stop eating so much. Hey, remember when he bought a building with her money without telling her? Marriage – it’s forever!

*Producer Mandated Fun Alert* Kandi is having some of the other ladies over to one of her six houses for cocktails and some good old fashioned Kenya bashing. Cynthia says you can count on two things from Kandi: a good sex toy and good food. Excuse me while I send a followup email to my friends about the other two things they can expect from me.

Kandi uses this time to ask Cynthia for advice about her mom not liking Todd. But whereas Kandi’s mom is being crazy because Todd is a dreamboat and Kandi is totally in love with him, Cynthia’s mom might have been onto something. Porsha uses this get-together for more important things, like debuting her new spousal-support-sponsored bob/pixie cut! You know what they say: Where Porsha leads, Jennifer Lawrence shall follow.

NEXT: Apollo beholds himself

Phaedra side-eyes Porsha’s wig and tells her it looks cute with the convincingness of Kenya saying she didn’t say things that she’s said on national television, in HD. In her confessional she says what we were all thinking: Porsha’s got a tiny head. When talk turns to Kenya, Phaedra has even more important things to say, like comparing Walter to an Enterprise rental car, and, “She did some things I can never get past, like propositioning my husband.” Seems reasonable.

Speaking of that questionable husband, Apollo and Phaedra have moved into their new house, if you consider moving to mean dumping everything you own on one dining room table. Seriously, it looks like someone paused the DVR halfway through an episode of Hoarders in there. Cutest nugget in the world, Ayden, says “I love you, Mr. President” to his little brother and I immediately wish I could just watch an hour of him being cute (maybe throw in Portia from Beverly Hills) instead of whatever is coming up next.

But what comes next is Phaedra saying she’s currently being a full-time mom, recovering from a C-section, studying to be a mortician and running her law firm, while Apollo is renovating the house. The camera pans to Apollo kind of hanging a mirror, but mostly just looking at himself in it. If for nothing else, I will forever love this show for its complete allegiance to these women over their husbands.

Mirror probably broken on the ground somewhere, Apollo saunters into the kitchen where Phaedra is with her friends/employees. Latonia, who is a liar, tells Apollo he’s done a great job with the house. I’m sorry, did she not see the Gatorade bottles of urine in the corner (OK, it’s a really beautiful house, it’s just a little in transition at the moment)? Apparently unaware of the rumors floating around about him, Apollo spends the whole time suspiciously texting and being mean to Phaedra – there are plenty of things you could say to her but implying that she’s not a hard worker is just ridiculous – before donning a backpack and heading off to Intro to Psych, presumably. Always a bold look for a grown man.

Cynthia heads to the doctor with Peter to find out her options for dealing with her fibroids. While she seems to have a questionable understanding of what a uterus does (she’s also a little confused on testicles), she really does seem to be struggling, so it was nice to see Dr. Litman give her some answers. Peter is basically in an unsympathetic coma until the conversation turns to side effects like lack of sex drive. Then, boy oh boy, has Peter found his stage. As he draws all of the attention to himself instead of his sick and scared wife, he tells the doctor he’s really glad he’s not a selfish man because who knows how a selfish man might have reacted to his sick wife’s lack of sex drive. Cynthia is glad her husband now knows that she’s not crazy. No one thinks you’re crazy for not wanting to have sex with Peter, Cynthia. No one.

NEXT: It’s time once again for Porsha’s Alloted Yelling Hour

That’s enough medical drama, it’s time for pointless drama at a dinner that no one wants to go to in a restaurant that looks suspiciously like the Bravo reunion shows’ set. Kenya wants to get one thing straight: Even though she said it explicitly in a previously recorded television program, she never implied that Apollo sent her inappropriate texts. She just meant he had sent her “friendly” texts, like, “Hey girl, you catch the Falcons game?” or “Heard you were sick, hope you’re feeling better” or “Whaddup, want to have sex with me and keep it a secret from my wife?” Oh wait, no, scratch that last one.

Everyone calls her on her bluff and, most confusingly, Porsha takes this time for *Porsha’s Allotted Yelling Hour* to scream, “I don’t have time for this, I’m going through a g-d divorce!” I mean, I guess? Phaedra stays very calm throughout all of this, finally saying that for her, it’s not about the texts, it’s about the AIDS accusation. I’m sorry, what?

Nene speaks for all of us when she screams, “AIDS?!” Kenya tries again to act like she didn’t imply in the reunion show that Apollo was an STD-ridden monster after returning from prison, but finally she admits that it was an argument between both of them and she got a little worked up. And everyone knows when you’re worked up, the AIDS accusations, they start flying. Phaedra very reasonably says that she can be mature and tolerate Kenya when they’re all together, but she’s not going to have a personal relationship with her.

Porsha looks a little disappointed that everything has been resolved because she had a couple more non-sequiturs and wanted to scream, but ultimately everyone is happy they had this laid-back little chat. Nene gives herself a pat on the back for organizing, saying, “I don’t know what we got accomplished but it was a lot” — which is actually exactly how I feel after watching this show.

In other “not accomplishing a lot” news, Kandi takes a visit to her old house, which is now her mom’s house, because Kandi hands out houses like they’re extra granola bars in her purse. Kandi’s mom is being completely unreasonable about Todd. She says that Todd needs to be a provider for Kandi and she thinks he’s taking advantage of Kandi’s money. It would be pretty hard to make more money than Kandi and Todd seemingly has a perfectly good job and pays the monthly bills for their house. Kandi’s mom screams “You paid for that house!” while she stands in another house that Kandi also paid for. If every person who Kandi bought a house was taking advantage of her, she’d be in a real pickle.

Finally, the last straw: Kandi’s mom says Todd should have gotten her a better engagement ring and Kandi breaks down. It’s pretty heartbreaking watching her mom not be able to understand what makes her happy. She chose her ring because she liked it and she chose the man she’s marrying because she loves him. And if she ever starts to look pregnant when she’s not, he probably won’t call her fat or mock her sex drive or buy a building without her consent. Because Todd seems like a nice guy and Mama Joyce needs to wise up and let her very smart daughter make her own decisions. End rant.

Most Valuable Housewife: Nene, for arranging the least fun dinner I’ve ever witnessed.

Best Line: “Karma has a name and that name is bitch, and it’s gon’ bite him in that big bubble butt.” – Porsha talking about Kordell, shortly after stealing her mom’s master bedroom.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

NeNe, Kandi, Cynthia, Phaedra, Kenya, and Claudia keep the ATL just peachy.
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