The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Are You My Beard?
Kenya invites everyone on a vacation to Mexico, and nothing spells P-A-R-T-Y like airing out other people's divorces in group settings.
I like to call this RHOA episode The Countdown to Apollo’s Demise. The time is here, the time is now; but first, one more hour of filler! Last night was a bridge episode between the time when every single person on the show hated at least one other person on the show (last week) and the time that they were expected to go to a foreign country together (now-ish), spearheaded by the one person that everyone in the group can’t stand — makes sense. So, vaminos to Mexico, where the sun is bright, the water is warm, and there are half-naked pictures of Kenya EVERYWHERE.
The ladies have to get prepared to leave Atlanta, which means Cynthia “Slim, Trim and Fibroid-Free” Bailey has taken herself to Atlanta Beach, a shop in a strip mall that has the look of a repurposed Arby’s and serves goblets of mimosas to women trying on bikinis. Nene, who only wears bikinis because God didn’t give her stretch marks as a personal favor or something, arrives to inform the general public that even though she has no interest in seeing Kenya, she will be going on the Mexico trip, and not to f—king ask her about Marlo in the meantime. Most importantly, her hair looks like that Martha Washington pool game where you dunk your head under water, push all your hair to the front and then fold it back for a glamorous 18th century up-do. It is not the best.
Marlo is now officially listed as “Kenya’s Friend” in her title card and the two get together to try and unpack what happened with Nene at the Bailey Bowl. I don’t understand why I know the deepest secrets of Peter and Cynthia’s sex life, Kenya’s sperm donor preferences, and how much Apollo spends to see naked women that aren’t his wife, but I can’t get just a little bit of clarity on the catalyst for the near shanking that went down between Marlo and Nene on the softball field last week. I know that Marlo became BFFs with Nene’s mortal enemy, Kenya; and I know that Nene has been acting her worst since losing her plush New Normal gig – Ha, remember New Normal?! – but I don’t believe for one Hotlanta second this feud originated from a Mean Girls (ahem, Mean Grown Ass Women) three-way call. At least Marlo has Kenya to comfort her through the stressful experience of trying really hard to cry.
Listen, I know Phaedra has hardly had a storyline for the last half of the season, but if every bit of her screen time was just Ayden doing household chores and Mr. President sitting there like the most precious bump on the most precious log, I would take it. Ayden, a 3 year-old, single handedly skims the family swimming pool and then is left unattended with a full bottle of Windex while his parents discuss if Apollo should be allowed to go on the Kenya-organized trip to Mexico where he will surely have sex with someone who is not his wife.
RHOA Word of the Week: Rentley (n.)
Definition: 1. a rented Bentley, 2. a Bentley not purchased for Kenya by an African prince
Use it in a sentence: Phaedra would rather “Porsha take [her] Black History exams” than let “that Rentley driving, no-man-having, harlot in Atlanta,” Kenya Moore within 20-feet of her stripper watching, identity stealing, inappropriate sexting husband.
NEXT: Kordell is really more of a cheese pizza kind of guy…
In This Week’s Non Sequitur Vie for a Storyline: Peter, Ghost of Seasons Past, has put on his finest gingham shirt to pay Kordell a visit. You know Kordell: Porsha’s ex-husband who announced their divorce on Twitter? Apparently Peter has assigned himself the task of getting to the bottom of what caused Kordell and Porsha’s divorce. The real question is, is RHOA paying Kordell to be on the show for a storyline, or is Kordell paying RHOA to try and clear his name? Unfortunately, the best he really does is say that the divorce was a result of all the extra baggage Porsha brought into the relationship, such as her mom eating a large pepperoni pizza on his cream chairs. You can’t make this sh-t up. Peter can’t believe Kordell couldn’t “shut that down” because Peter is an idiot. He soaks all this up like a 50-year-old man getting ready to confront a 30-year-old woman he barely knows about her most personal business. Can’t wait for Mexico!
And it’s finally here. Kenya and Lawrence arrive a day early to get everything prepared for the other couples coming, which mostly means Kenya putting glamor shots of herself in every room, and Miss Lawrence doing a Gregg impression (“Lawrence, that’s not something I would recollect myself doing”) that I would watch on repeat for hours. HOURS. All of the other women and their plus ones meet up at the airport, except Phaedra, who says she’s misplaced her passport, but everyone else assumes she’s just trying to have them scope out the situation before she gets there. To that I say: YES. I knew that woman was smart, even if she is married to the human equivalent of a fraudulent loaf of bread.
I was prepared to feel no sympathy for Porsha right after she announced that she knows she’s part-Mexican because, “this baby hair is laid, and a señorita always has laid baby hair.” But the sympathy, it came, when That Jerk Peter decided to bring up his little tea party with Kordell and how he said he still loved Porsha and she wasn’t blindsided by the divorce…in front of eight other people in a moving vehicle. Porsha kept her cool but I’m ready for her to channel the power of her baby hair and let loose on that guy. At this point, it seems Cynthia sure isn’t going to.
You know how when you’re aware that a group of people who really don’t like you are about to arrive to a trip you’ve planned for them, and you want to make your best impression, so you put on a bikini, a pretty culturally insensitive poncho and dance around and scream at them as soon as they step out of the car — then your name is Kenya and you are shameless. After Kenya’s little show, Kandi says, “Twirling in the bikini and the poncho. Really? You could have saved it.” I’m not 100% sure what “you could have saved it” means in the context of a dancing Kenya, but I’m 100% sure I’m about to start saying it every time someone needs to get it on lock.
I actually understand very little from this whole arrival scene, because Kenya “Kill ‘Em with Kindness” Moore’s response to Nene being friendly is this: “I’m really not that shocked Nene greeted me with a hug, but you know what – two can play at that game. If she wants to be shady and do all these things behind my back, I can be better at it. Because, mirror, mirror on the wall, I’m the shadiest one of them all.” Again, 100% agree that she is the shadiest; 100% have no idea what she’s talking about. It seems that “playing at that game” just means sucking up to Nene by making a big show of giving her the other Presidential suite though. In other news, Gregg humped a bed, the women didn’t make nearly enough fun of Kenya for leaving pictures of herself in their rooms, and even while boarding the plane, Phaedra still hasn’t decided if she’s letting Apollo come on the trip.
NEXT: Knock knock. Who’s there? Your ex-husband! J/k, lol…
Speaking of no-good husbands, Cynthia swings by Porsha’s room to apologize for Peter attacking her in the limo, even though she’s shown no indication the entire season that she’s aware of how inappropriate he is, let alone entertained the idea of getting him to stop embarrassing her in front of her co-workers. Oh, and by apologize, I actually mean that Cynthia comes over and lets Porsha think for a solid 20 seconds that Kordell is coming to Mexico so she “won’t be lonely,” before she reveals that she’s “joking.” CYNTHIA, WHAT THE HELL???
Everyone gathers for dinner and Kenya, that overactive mom at your first 6th grade slumber party, has scrambled the seating arrangements at dinner so no one can sit by their significant other. Including herself, because it’s hard to sit by an African prince who there’s a 98% chance he comes from the land of Narnia Boyfriends, population: George Glass and Astronaut Mike Dexter. It really just means that Nene and Gregg pretend to hit on Todd and Kandi, to precious results, and Peter and Kenya are seated together to act out my worst nightmares.
Phaedra arrives with a temporarily bashful Apollo in tow and keeps him as far away from Kenya as possible. Luckily, their dinner table is the size of a standard two bedroom apartment, so no one can really hear each other anyway. But that doesn’t keep Peter and Kenya from chiming in when Porsha’s table neighbor Gregg starts asking her about the status of her relationship with Kordell. Things get really weird. Peter the Helpful relays that in his conversation with Kordell, he said he couldn’t tolerate everything extra Porsha brought to the relationship, and she responds with this: “His celebrity was tainted…I told him that I had a plan for us and that my plan was to be the ideal couple and that whatever was in his past that was nasty, that had hurt him, all those rumors…that I would help him erase that. So, I did that for him.”
Yes, those are the most confusing sentences to ever be uttered. And in that way, they could be taken to mean 1,000 different things. Peter and Kenya take them to mean that Porsha is implying she was Kordell’s beard. When they say that, however, she shuts it down with a definite NO, that is not what she meant. But the sharks have smelled blood; Kenya and Peter have what they think Porsha meant in their heads now, and they will swim in circles until someone loses an arm. “Just stop faking it! The truth will set you free.” That is certainly a novel idea, Kenya.
All praise to the ever-sassy editors for the shots of everyone rolling their eyes in silence while she says, “This is gonna be an exciting trip!” Now, let’s just hope they’re not betraying us with those juicy previews for next week.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta