All hell breaks loose as Kenya exaggerates, Nene instigates, and Apollo initiates Beast Mode

By Jodi Walker
Updated January 27, 2014 at 07:30 AM EST
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What were you doing last night? Were you watching the country’s biggest recording artists perform on one stage? Or did you turn the dial to the Bachelor Wedding to watch Born-Again-Sean take Quirky Catherine as his lawfully wedded wife? Maybe you were catching up on some personal work, doing some light filing. Not me. I’ve got my priorities way in line. I was watching a bunch of grown ass men and women in satin robes and corsets go after each other like they were starring in Mortal Combat: Pajama Party.

And I wasn’t alone; during the Grammys, pretty much the biggest event in music all year, amongst Katy Perry and #PharrellsHat, was “RHOA,” nestled snugly in worldwide Twitter trends. Because if there’s one thing people love as much as awards shows, it’s FISTICUFFS. And those were out in spades last night on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, erupting in the most physical fight this show has ever seen. Good-Ness, that was a messy hour of television.

But before we get to the potential felony charges of the evening, a few less violent plot points: Kenya goes with her Aunt Lori to the fertility doctor and finds out that her hormone levels are fine to have a baby but her ovarian reserve is diminished. The doctor gives her some hope though that she can still have a baby naturally, and even innocently mentions that people have “turkey baster parties.” WOMAN! Don’t you know who you’re talking to? In this episode alone, this cast is throwing a presidential inauguration party for a 10-month-old and a pajama party for adult couples — they really don’t need any more ideas.

Kenya ditches Lori and grabs Miss Lawrence to go to the fertility clinic and totally appropriately ask the receptionist for free lube while they wait to meet with the consultants. It still ranks in the top three most charming things that happened all episode. One of the sperm consultants — not a phrase I thought I’d type today! — asks Kenya what she might hope for in a sperm donor and she starts listing qualities like, “funny, affectionate, no body odor…full lips, a slender nose,” and it suddenly becomes clear that Kenya thinks she’s creating a Match.com profile.

In the somehow most normal event of the night, Phaedra throws her son Dylan aka Mr. President a party for his church dedication. Her party planner Dwight has returned, looking even more taut than the last time we saw him, to help her plan the inaugural affair, complete with a Secret Agent flash mob dance, a British announcer declaring the Parks-Nida family’s every move, and a very sweet blessing from Mr. President’s grandmother, Pastor Regina. I just wish the whole hour had been about Ayden’s sudden discovery of the drums. I imagine he’s already receiving calls from the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra.

For what feels like forever, Nene has been planning this party for her friends called “Pillow Talk.” She says, “It’s almost like a free couple’s counseling…in pajamas.” First, I assure you that it is nothing like that; second, no one is wearing anything that could remotely be considered pajamas; and third, that sounds like an awful, awful idea for a party. You see, Nene’s goal is to get everyone together so they can “talk to each other and move on.” And the way she sees best fit to do that, in a time where everyone is making accusations about everyone else’s marriages, is to get all of the couples together, trap them in a Holiday Inn Express, and publicly question them about their sex lives.

NEXT: Nene has lost her damn mind and, apparently, it’s contagious

When the time for “Pillow Talk” actually arrives and people begin showing up, things get so much weirder than I could have imagined. Not only has Nene invited the core group, but also Mynique and her husband, Chuck, who has slept with just about every living thing in the room, and Natalie and Christopher Williams, who Kenya accused of not actually being married last week. Oh, and everyone pretty much has a nipple or a butt cheek out at all times. This should be delightful!

Nene sits everyone down on giant adult beanbags — alright, those look pretty fun (and they certainly come in handy later) — and inexplicably starts stomping up and down the room, making grand sexual proclamations. I mean, that hot mess doesn’t stop pacing the floor for the rest of the night, pivoting at every turn like it’s Ryan Murphy telling her The New Normal just got canceled over and over again. I don’t totally know what Kandi is implying when she says Nene seems “a little geeked up,” but I also 100 percent agree with her. And she just keeps seeming more geeked up as the night treks on and Kenya is still yet to arrive: “I am very mother f—ing irritated right now.”

To be fair, so is everyone else, because the “couples counseling” that Nene mentioned is actually just writing pointed questions on cards that apply awkwardly to individuals in the room and having everyone answer them out loud. About the time that Nene is telling Porsha not to be offended that she’s making her answer the “Would you care if your husband was bisexual?” question, Kenya and her annoying assistant Brandon finally show up. Nene berates her for a little while, before the conversation turns to whether the women are OK with their husbands going to strip clubs. A shocking few say they wouldn’t want their husbands to do that and Peter very diplomatically responds to those women, “Well, then you guys are whack as f–k.”

By some miracle, everything seems to be going along fine and settling into some sort of groove where you start to think this shindig might turn more toward Eyes Wide Shut territory, rather than Fight Club. But then Nene stands up, stomps to the front of the room and announces that last week, Kenya told Natalie that her “husband” had previously told her that were in a common-law marriage — any thoughts on that, Christopher Williams?

Yes, Christopher does have some thoughts, and he chooses to start them with, “For one, I don’t know what kind of medication you’re on,” which really isn’t the most mature move when you’re already standing in a room full of adults in pajamas. Kenya hops up and starts moving toward Natalie, so Christopher goes to stop her and absolutely nothing less than awful happens after that. When Christopher grabs Kenya, Brandon is immediately up and yelling, “DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON HER!” Then Peter is up out of nowhere pushing them apart. Apollo comes the most out of nowhere and slams Brandon down onto one of the beanbags by his neck. Apollo! Who has nothing to do with the common-law debacle, and has basically done nothing tonight except casually mention that he frequently drops eight Gs at the strip club (an unfortunately timed confession, considering Friday’s fraud charges).

Apollo starts trying to maybe end Brandon’s life while Kenya and Phaedra scramble to hold him back. Everyone else is occupied with keeping Christopher away…except Chuck. There’s a quick shot of him and Mynique cowering in a corner in such a manner that suggests, how the hell did we find ourselves here? Finally, every crew member in Atlanta jumps in to start pulling people apart and Apollo, Brandon and Christopher are separated. Nene goes to scream at Kenya for getting up out of her “G—damn seat” and ruining her super fun slumber party, and when Kenya goes to escape through the front door, we catch a glimpse of the mostly naked waitress Nene had hired to serve drinks, sitting on a cooler in the hallway, just waiting for the madness to end. And it makes me feel very, very sad.

The episode ends with Apollo escaping his restraints (including his wife) and making his way back toward Brandon. Trying to decide who is most in the wrong here seems a little fruitless considering everyone acted so awfully, but I’ve got to know…who do you think started this mess? And why did Apollo end up at the center of it? And finally, does this even hold a candle to the second mess that seems to be coming next week with the wrath of Kandi? I’m exhausted.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

NeNe, Kandi, Cynthia, Phaedra, Kenya, and Claudia keep the ATL just peachy.
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