The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: A Hit Dog will Holler
Reunion Part 1! NeNe and Kim let their faces do the talking. (Their faces hate each other.)
Like Andy Cohen, who had the misfortune of being the packed meat in a Kim/NeNe sandwich, I have no idea what that means. I’m thinking NeNe’s mysterious tweet about her supposed transvestite co-“star” was a slam against Kim and her wig? Or maybe Sheree and her guns? Phaedra’s glossy lips? Kandi’s rooster? I can live without knowing, as can you.
The Atlanta ladies reassembled at the Georgia Aquarium, which gave Andy an opportunity to make a shark tank joke. Kim slit her eyes at him, NeNe popped hers out. Whose side would Andy take they both seemed to be asking with their rubbery, rolly-eyed mugs? Whenever he poked gentle Andy fun (“Why do you cake it?” “You don’t have to be a creeper or a cheater to have a crush on someone?”) the other laughed uproariously while the other glared. These two women hate each other so much.
We learned some things last night, some more horrifying than others. On the subject of Kim’s Season 3 boob job, she revealed that she switched out from saline to silicone and moved her nipples up a bit. How’s that for sexy talk on this Valentine’s Day? NeNe and Gregg are still in the process of divorcing but she will soon be releasing him from his basement dungeon. Sweetie has been working for Kim for 11 years, despite Big Poppa calling her a “black bitch,” which really amounts to the world’s saddest resume. Andy does a good NeNe impression. And Phaedra brought adorable pictures to prove that is in fact an equestrienne. So take that, NeNe.
Marsha from Brooklyn wins for the Best Viewer Question of the night. She wrote in wondering why in the hell Kim needed an assistant as “You don’t have a job and you never seem to do anything but drink, eat and shop.” Um duh, Marsha. Those cartons of Kool cigarettes aren’t going to buy themselves. Kim is a busy woman, a sister doing it for herself, and we just don’t see her working on her music career (that’s true), or running her wig line, or writing her book. Scratch! “What is the book?” interrupted Andy. Kim squirmed a little, mumbling under her breath: “Um, about like, kind of how to land your own Big Poppa in a roundabout way.” I’m curious as to how she’ll sign Kroy’s copy.
NEXT: Phaedra talks really slow, tries to explain American history to Kim.Then we all took a trip down Memory Lane to Athens, Georgia. Who is NeNe calling Fakedra? She knows good and well that there were two high schools and three middle schools in that little town. Phaedra insisted that they knew each other. NeNe stood firm that they in fact did not. Phaedra got in a couple honey-drenched digs about their age difference, insinuating that NeNe was 43 years old in her dreams. “I’m 43 to be exact,” said NeNe. “Mmmmmnhnhnh,” said Phaedra. This went on for about 10 minutes. Finally Phaedra wondered why if they didn’t know each other NeNe had called her up 10 years ago looking for some helping landing a television show. Et tu, NeNe?
In the end, Phaedra got serious and schooled Kim on her so-called color blindness. (What the next season of Atlanta really needs is a purple Housewife!) She gave a somber, reasoned history lesson on race relations which tickled Andy and sent Kim to her glazed-over happy place.
Finally, don’t be looking for Sheree at next month’s Oscars. Maybe next year though. “If I don’t think well off myself, who will?” I will!
What did you Atlanta creepers think? Why does Kim cake it? Is NeNe 43? Why won’t Sweetie save herself? Will you be watching next week or have you tired of these squabbling belles?