The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: On the Road Again
Kandi, Kandi, Kandi. How is that you of all Housewives—the sensible one, lover of ballads and close-mouthed smirks—put the wheels in motion on this one. First you invite Kim to hit the road with you. Kim is Kim, and she ain’t never going to change. So don’t go acting surprised when she tries to light her ciggie off the griddle or flashes her butt crack because her Juicys are rolled up one too many times or stays up late getting her wig curled. Bring that woman to a restaurant and she will order “a soda and a glass of wine” and she will drink both out of Big Gulp styrofoam cups on a fold-up lawn chair. Then Kandi you go and give NeNe a green light to come aboard. You know that NeNe likes drinking with Kim, she likes trashing people with Kim. She doesn’t much like being an audience member for Kim. This was never going to end well.
Sweetie, I find you a little disgusting. I think it’s because your tops don’t fit and you have your boss’ song as your ring tone. I imagine you are a loyal enough assistant though and Kim’s daughters clearly have taken a possibly inappropriate shine to you. Arianna called up her Mama last night to sob into the phone. Whether or not the little girl was missing Kim or she had simply lost the TV remote under her covers or she needed Sweetie to tuck her in and whisper to her she was the most beautiful, clever, talented girl in the world and she would never have to work an honest day in her whole life was unclear. But it rattled Kim, to the point where she was wondering if this whole crazy life of fame was worth it in the end. (Who are you kidding?) Sweetie loomed over her boss’ bunk, making sure Kim’s goldilock curls were out of her face so the camera could catch those crocodile tears. “You’re doing this to provide a good home for them,” Sweetie sweet talked. Not to be crass, but doesn’t Big Pops still pay that mortgage?
Back in Atlanta, Peter threw his hands up in the air and sing-songed that Uptown was no more. The restaurant shut down, there were dishes to be done, whee! Cynthia wondered what this meant for the wedding, and oh yeah mister, you still owe her some serious cash. Peter said he needed to come up with 20 grand fast if she expected the wedding of her dreams. “Are you going to cry?” he asked. “Yes you are, yes you are. Look at you. Come here. Come here!” Am I crazy or did he sound weirdly amused by the sight of her tears. It was like he was coochie-cooing a baby, tickling under her chin to get a reaction. Then Cynthia had to go and ruin everything by wondering about details like finances and future and what this means for them as a grown couple on the verge of a lifelong commitment. That’s the last time he shares anything with her!
White people are so weird. All that potted meat and running around barefoot. (On Watch What Happens Live! NeNe backed up the notion that white folks tend to eschew proper footwear. But Good Andy promised that when he picks up his Cheetos at the 7-11 he always wears flip-flops.) When Kim slunk off the bus to suck from a cigarette—’til the day she dies, yo—Kandi’s entourage shook their heads in dismay. Sweetie quickly rose to her boss’ defense, insisting that she too didn’t always bother with shoes. They snapped back that’s because she hung around Kim so much, which Sweetie chose to interpret as an accusation of hanging around white people too much. Now that really made Kim mad as she doesn’t see the world in terms of color. Everybody just knock it off and put on some damn shoes. Love the heels, Derek J., though I do wonder if you need to go up a size in shorts.
UP NEXT: NeNe starts eyeing Kim’s neck again.Kim invited NeNe to meet up with the bus in Orlando. Perhaps she wanted to show off a little in front of her friend, pointing at all of her dozens of fans at the strip mall club. Maybe it was extra important to her to kill it, as she says, after she saw NeNe’s unnecessary ribbing of her on 11 Alive. She is a fool, of course. (And I don’t ever need to hear the woman talking about her period bloat again in this lifetime.) But so what, NeNe? If you don’t want to see her swaying around on stage with her ring finger in the air, stay home. Instead NeNe made fun of the venue, made fun of the song, and made fun of the singer, which of course we all agree should be in quotes.
The next morning NeNe appeared a little ragged–three too many Greyhounds I’m guessing. And all it took was a quick ragging session with Don Juan and crew on Kim and Sweetie’s relationship to amp her up for a brawl. NeNe went to an 11 when Kim suggested that Sweetie and Don Juan join them at her friend Thomas’ estate. (Big Uncle? Mid-sized Poppa?) NeNe then told Kim she did not work, she had no talent, she treated Sweetie like a slave, she was immature, dumb, and blonde. (Okay, if I must: check, check, not cool, check, check, and check.) Kim countered, rightly so I think, that NeNe was overly invested in her business and why did she have to go bringing up “Tardy for the Party” with Jermaine Dupri. “IT IS MY JOB TO ASK QUESTIONS!” roared NeNe, perhaps missing the point. Bottom line: NeNe is jealous, Kim is dumb, and Sweetie will most likely lay down her life stepping in between them. Duty calls.
In other news, Apollo is desperate to grow a pair of breasts so he can leave Phaedra once and for all.
What did you all think? Is Cynthia going to postpone the wedding? Did you find yourself liking Phaedra a little as you looked at her tired, baggy new mama morning face? In every interview I hereafter conduct, should I too inquire about Kim’s age, insisting that it is my professional obligation? How much would NeNe benefit from a mild daily antidepressant?