In "Tour-Ture," Kandi and Kim hit the road, while Cynthia and Peter hit the skids.

By Karen Valby
Updated January 10, 2011 at 02:33 PM EST
Housewives Kim
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Kim and Kandi embarked last night on their three-city bus tour. And the way Kim said goodbye to her older daughter Brielle you’d think she was leaving for Iraq. “I have to go,” Kim moaned, as Brielle looked over her mother’s shoulder at Sweetie and grasped for the assistant’s hand. “Why does Sweetie have to go along?” sobbed Brielle, who I’m pretty sure doesn’t have a future career in the dramatic arts. Meanwhile Arianna, who’d rightly declared her mother’s fame meaningless, was jumping on her canopy bed in her rhinestone sunglasses and her mother’s lucite heels, dreaming up badly misspelled Facebook status updates about how 8ers are lame.

Kim seemed stunned by the demands of life on the road. There wasn’t enough room for both her and Sweetie in the bathroom and the little bunks could barely fit her cartons of Kools. When Kandi’s overzealous assistant Don Juan—would it kill someone on Kandi’s team just to go by Robert or Michael?—told Kim there was no smoking on the bus she about fainted. Clever girl, she finagled a deal with the bus driver in which she wouldn’t tattle on him getting loaded behind the wheel if he turned a blind eye to her lighting up. Rock and roll!

It hurts me really to ever stand up for Kim, you know this, but even I wanted to slug Don Juan for giving her so much grief. While Kandi sat there with a passive aggressive smile on her face, he taunted her relentlessly. At the crappy Charlotte roadside bar, when he suggested they should have named the joint the Horny Hippo after her, I too wanted to throw a drink in his face. Then Kandi upped the ante by wondering if a more apt name was The Monkey with a Wig on. Oh Kandi, that was both nasty and terribly unclever. Then Don Juan, with a mean-spirited smirk, suggested Kim must be nervous about her new risque single, what with pushing infidelity and all. Kim had had it and demanded that Sweetie follow her outside for a smoke. Her assistant, who was halfway through snaking her bra out from under her t-shirt, snapped to and followed her peeved boss out the door into the harsh sunlight.

Maybe it was Don Juan’s poor form. Maybe it was the invigorating sight of sweet Joyce and the aunties who’d road-tripped to make it to the show. Maybe it was because Kim did her silly best getting ready for the show by lazily running through her routine in the alley outside Club Tempo with a smoke in one hand and a plastic glass of wine in the other. But I was rooting for the girl. Enh, who cares if she forgot her dance steps and let the backup tracks do all the lifting. She held her ring finger up to the delighted crowd and gave a far kinder introduction of Kandi than her friend might have deserved. Kandi, I like your sensible nature and your heavy ballads but you need to decide if you find Kim gross or if you like her and want her in your life. Oh wait, we all need to decide that.

NEXT: Peter and Cynthia make a good case for long engagements.

Uh oh, poor Hil Harper might be in over his head. Cynthia and Peter decided a counseling session might be in order to prep for their impending nuptials. Hil wasted no time dropping the title of his book and flashing two copies cover up for the cameras. He had the testy couple underline some tense questions they’ve been circling and money emerged as their achilles heel. Cynthia wants Peter to sell the struggling Uptown, or at least pay her back the tens of thousands of dollars she’s sunk into the restaurant.

Well Peter believes that there’s no such thing as “I Do” only “We Do” when it comes to married couples. Run Cynthia! And take your booker and agent and clients, and all those people who give you jobs while your man is busy trying to create them, with you. Hil started looking a little squirrelly-eyed at this point, as The Conversation turned into a In Your Face Fight. “Obviously you guys communicate differently,” he said with a nervous grin. Maybe it was time to remember why it was they want to get married? Cynthia’s eyes went dead while Peter told her that he loved her eyes and her nose and her lips and her soul and her… Cynthia loved the fact that Hil made house calls. Please tell me this woman is not going to walk down the aisle in the end.

In other news, Phaedra misses her reindeer ass, but her baby truly is beautiful. Dwight is still just as tedious and oily as ever, ever fixated on Kim’s melons. And while I applaud NeNe’s efforts to make a living, I’m not sure she’s yet ready to replace Barbara Walters. What did we learn from her interview with the gumdrop-sized Jermaine Dupri? He was never a concert promoter, never hosted a radio show, and did not in fact play an instrument when he was younger. Hmmm. If she was going to save this interview, NeNe had to bring up the woman everyone really wanted to know about. So she hit him hard with a question about Janet Jackson Kim Zolciak.

Next week: It was inevitable. NeNe lunges for Kim’s throat.

Well Atlanta fans: Was Don Juan out of line from start to finish? Should Kandi have stepped in and told him to back off? Should Cynthia and Peter get married? Would you rather Dwight host your next dinner party or Sweetie stick a needle in your arm?

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

NeNe, Kandi, Cynthia, Phaedra, Kenya, and Claudia keep the ATL just peachy.
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