Last night Sonja fell off a horse, Kelly did some sand angels, and Ramona got so upset that she was literally driven to holding her trembling hand in the air not once but twice. Acknowledge her Ramona-coaster!
Real Housewives NY 042811
Credit: Barbara Nitke/Bravo

How else was Cindy supposed to survive last week’s dinner in honor of Ramona than to dive deep into her martini? Turns out she got a little loopy, a little depressed perhaps about her decision to do Housewives, and went home and stuffed her face on pistachios. Poor thing cracked her veneers and lucky us she brought them in a little baggie to Vivienne Tam to show Sonja. (And we worried Season 4 would be slow!) “God, they look like baby fake nails,” marveled Sonja. I can’t help but love her, people. That was the extent of interest Sonja could muster up for Cindy’s crisis. She’d already done so much for the woman. She’d gotten her driver boy to bring all her the way downtown on a weekday for God’s sake. She wouldn’t even do that for an actual friend, mind you. And now Cindy was threatening to deny her her veal milanese? “I have a girlfriend who has like half her teeth gone,” said Sonja. “She takes steak, like no problem.” Cut to Bravo frantically trying to cast this woman for Season 5.

Sonja and Cindy were not hitting it off. First the teeth, then an invitation to Quogue of all places, and now Kelly. Sonja can’t help that she is an ice breaker, can she? Or that she loves jelly toast fresh out of the toaster oven? She’d come up with the ridiculous idea of inviting Kelly and her girls over to teach them how to warm up Pop Tarts. In the name of drama sisterhood, she’d decided to then have Ramona spring out of the pantry and surprise Kelly. What could possibly go wrong? “Ramona’s going to be cool,” she said confidently. “I’ve known Ramona for 20 years.” Uh, I’m not sure she knows Ramona as well as she thinks she does. Well, Cindy looked utterly chagrined by the plan. Kelly hates confrontation, especially in the presence of her kids. Surely there was a better time and place to broker a truce. Oh Cindy, so green, so naive. “People do not come to my house and get crazy,” insisted Sonja, bored by Cindy’s hand-wringing. “Or they get thrown out!” Sonja, do you hear the audience turning on you? Save yourself lest you become the Jill of Season 4.

But all was forgiven in my book when Sonja showed up in her jacket and britches ready to ride like the wind. Kelly, who was in a good mood because she was in the Hamptons where the sunsets are pink and the Ramonas are caged, had her noble steed ready. Yee haw! hollered Sonja. Shorten your reins! barked Kelly. Sonja got a little overexcited and clucked one too many times at her horse and just like that there was a great whuff sound in the woman’s mic and she bounce-splatted off her horse and onto the ground below. “She literally dropped like a rag doll, it was bad, it was really bad,” said Kelly, who had the same disconcertingly amused look on her face as my husband when I called him in from the other room to watch the replay. But you can’t keep a girl from Saratoga down. “Woo-wee,” said Sonja, in her best imitation of Toy Story‘s Jessie, as bounced back to her feet. “I sort of felt at one point on the horse like one of those little labrador pups who slides across the kitchen floor and smashes their face into the cabinet,” she said. Nailed it!

NEXT: Cindy realizes that she’s made a terrible mistake, wants off Scary Island.LuAnn’s parents were out of town working on their music. So while the oblivious mother’s helper slept the Countess cracked into the family liquor cabinet and invited all her best girls over to spin records in the basement. Sonja wore an Indian style vest in honor of LuAnn. Kelly brought the woman a Native American t-shirt, which just really touched the Countess’ heart. Not so much because it honored her ancestors but because the top would look really cute with her new pair of high-waisted jeans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, are you all coming to Cindy’s kids/adult/birthday/divorce party out in Quogue or what? Sonja just can’t. She grew up in a middle class neighborhood and grocery store veggie platters and vinyl tablecloths again bring up too many bad memories. The Countess’ head looked like it was going to explode there were so many bad manners in the room. First of all, an Evite? Simply not done. And yes of course Sonja is absolutely correct that one doesn’t bring up Quogue—so not in, so low-rent—in polite company anymore but you just don’t criticize a host to their face. You wait until you’re alone, in the company of cameras and a national audience, and then call them trash. That is, unless you’re Sonja. And then you moan about all the bad parties you keep being invited to. “Wrong place, wrong time, wrong food, wrong drinks,” she sneered. Cindy, in her prim grey turtleneck sweater, looked like she might start crying. I like Cindy. She’s low-key, she’s reasonable, she doesn’t borrow from the Housewives‘ closet of gaudy accessories. And yet it is because of all these things that I fear she makes bad TV. She’s not biting and mouthy enough a la Bethenny, or obnoxious a la…

Well, hi there Ramona! “I need a Pinot Grigio immediately. White wine, white!, right away.” She pounded her first glass and then surveyed the room through narrowed eyes, until she settled on the flushed cheeks of LuAnn. Yes, the Countess looked altogether too pleased with herself. “So LuAnn, are you kind of like a weekend mom?” she asked. Hey, she just tells it like it is, it’s not her fault. LuAnn looked rightfully peeved, because she should get credit for staying home with her teenagers on Monday nights too. Cindy, desperate to escape the crazy quadrant of blondes, took Kelly aside. Don’t do it, Cindy, don’t do it! But, trusting Kelly’s discretion, she pleaded with the woman not to bring her children to Sonja’s toaster oven kegger and then spilled that Ramona would be there too.

The next morning Sonja, Ramona, Kelly, and LuAnn took a little stroll through the Hamptons. Arf walk! Ramona, wearing her True Faith t-shirt, explained how she’d insulted Cindy’s brother at the wedding though she managed to spin it as Howie assaulting her with her dead best friend’s cigar. While she went into convulsions, Kelly stomped on her promise to keep Cindy’s confession a secret and told Sonja she could go shove her pizza muffin recipe up her ass. She and Ramona are broken! Super glue! Scary Island! “I just want to enjoy this awesome life that we have and that’s all,” she squealed. Then she dropped down to the sand and started making angels while her dog sensed his opportunity to maul his master’s face off.

NEXT: Why didn’t anyone tell Ramona it was BYOP? The next day everyone, except for Sonja of course, dragged themselves over to a Quogue horse farm for Cindy’s party. Ramona arrived looking twitchy, her face turning in on itself as she scanned the collapsible table of beverages. Where is the f&#!ing Pinot Grigio, birthday girl?! “I brought a bottle of Pinot Grigio in my bag when I came to see you last time,” said Alex. “I don’t dare show up without it.” See, this is why it’s not easy being the new girl. It takes three seasons of insanity to know how to protect yourself. Some foam started appearing at the edges of Ramona’s mouth as she glared at Cindy, who stammered that there was wine on the way. “I like to say that Ramona is Pinotpolar,” said LuAnn. “She needs her rush of Pinot to change her from A to Z.”

In the meantime, this stupid horse ride is boring. That’s not a snack, that’s a trough of food. And if Francois isn’t careful she’s going to run him over with the four-wheeler. At one point Ramona tried to corner Kelly and force her into conversation but Kelly covered Sea’s ears and whisked them away to safety. “She was pulling her kids away from me as if I’m Freddy Krueger,” Ramona pouted. Then Cindy added insult to injury when she wondered what time everyone except for Ramona should show up for Kelly’s brunch the next day. Oh no, this is not going to end well. Ramona flushed. She pouted. She demanded an explanation. Kelly looked the other way and went to her happy place. “Elle McPherson was my ex’s No. 2, who else here can say that?!”

Ramona’s plunging serotonin levels could not be ignored. She spun out of her chair and went looking for trouble. There, there by that old, frail-looking man, there stood her next victim. Howie! Howie! Ramona really needs to talk to you. She needs to clear the air! Would Howie’s 85-year-old father kindly get up so she could sit down and get this wearisome load off of her chest. Howie, don’t make her start shaking. Cindy rightly yanked Ramona to the side and told her to zip it. But how could she? She’s a very emotional girl and her hand is trembling and she just loves you is all and please, please, she will faint if someone doesn’t at least let her get a whiff of Pinot Grigio. Cindy talked her down from the ledge. Again, this is where Cindy does not make for good TV. We had Ramona on the brink and suddenly we were talking about a rogue tub of ranch dip and how nothing ruins a good party like a double-dipper.

Next week: Jill returns and she’s ready to make amends. Just as soon as she trashes Ramona’s outfit at the wedding one more time.

Well Housewives watchers, is this season struggling to find a good rhythm? Can you forgive Sonja her blowsy bitchy moments? As much as you may like Cindy, do you think she’s a good addition to the show? Wasn’t it nice to see Teddy smile so brightly at the wheel? I worry for Housewives spawn.