Project Runway recap: Boobie Monsters
Real women alert! The designers work with men to create looks for their significant others
This week, the contestants had to design for those terrifying beasts we all know and love: REAL WOMEN. Aggggghhhh!
Well, some of ’em were excited to work with men on designing looks for their significant others. But Olivier, upon learning that his client’s breasts were a mysterious term called “DD” (short for…Deadly Daggers? Dumb Doughnuts? Don’t you Dare?), completely shut down. “I don’t like women having boobs,” he declared. Oh yeah? Well, I don’t like reality TV contestants constantly tweaking their indeterminate accents in their baby voices. And yet there you are!
Here’s another gem from Olivier, back when the designers thought they’d be creating menswear for some of the schlubbier guys up on the runway with Heidi and her boobs: “In the end, we were only left with fat people,” he whined. “And fat is fine, but not when I’m making clothes.”
Olivier did not approve of any sort of blubbery tissue hanging disgustingly from the defective frames of grotesque human carriers. And get this: He had never worked with a client! (They’re usually human, after all.) “I have a big ego in design,” he admitted. “I want people to wear what I design.” Makes sense. But back to the boobs. “Those boobs, to me, are trouble,” he said before even meeting his client Suzanne, as if narrating the prologue to a particularly salacious caper.
Boobs were everywhere! Bert’s client, who dubbed himself “The Boobie Monster,” resented that his wife, Ariana, had to cover up her assets with any clothes at all. If it were up to him, she’d just be wearing a leaf. The Boobie Monster recalled the onset of their beautiful love story: “That’s how I fell in love with her — her boobs were hanging out. I’m like, she’s hot,” he remembered fondly. “Sometimes I motorboat ’em.”
Why can’t I ever meet awesome men like this? All the good ones are unavailable.
It occurred to me that I’d probably watch an entire spin-off series starring only the Boobie Monster and Olivier — trapped in a giant, hollowed-out boob and trying to swim their way out of a bottomless pool of smaller boobs à la a multicolored ball pit at an amusement park.
Those boobs, to him, were trouble, Olivier’s gravestone would read after episode 1.
NEXT: Another look at the best and worst designs
JOSHUA (CHALLENGE WINNER):
Joshua proved this week that — in his own words — “There is more to me than bedazzling things.” I agreed with guest judge Malin Ackerman that the delicate ‘V’ of lace in the back was an amazing detail. Michael Kors went so far as to call Josh’s model, Charlene, “a modern-day Grace Kelly.” Now let’s work on getting this dress made in all of the colors, guys. I’ll take…a black one!
The judges didn’t have to pretend that the woman wearing the look was a “gallerina” — this one really was! They disagreed on the one sleeve thing: Nina thought the long sleeve overwhelmed the gallerina, but Malin said she’d definitely want to have a sleeve and would wear this on the red carpet. “You could be on the best- or worst-dressed list,” she said, “but I believe this is a statement and you made it in a classy way.”
I loved Michael Kors’ sly acknowledgment that Viktor had “probably the most fashion-obsessed couple” to work with after a cut to Viktor and his pink bow-tied client, George, giggling to themselves. George knew his wife’s style so well that when she came in for a consultation, everything Viktor had already made looked exactly like what she was wearing that day. Good short-term memory, hubby! The judges did agree, though, that this over-accessorized look could have been simplified. Maybe lose the glasses. (She’s trying to in this terrible screengrab!)
NEXT: The dregs BERT:
Speaking of terrible screengrabs. At least Bert’s couple had a blast working with him, submerged as they were in an eternally happy haze brought to you by the Boobie Monster’s love and respect for his wife’s boobs. The judges decided this look was “B for boring” (said Michael) and could be bought in a million stores. “A little tight, short, shiny. Just too much,” said Nina.
A.R. attempted to recreate this couple’s “lost red dress at the airport” and give it some sort of vague “retro/vintage” twist at the same time, which may have been a bit overambitious. What we got: “It’s my own cheerleader outfit. Or a cigarette girl,” said Malin. “A really really young girl, or an old lady,” said Heidi. “Superhero ice skater,” said that charming third-timer Michael Kors. “You wanted it to be quirky, but it’s not.” I loved how their critiques got even harsher after the contestants had left the runway. “It’s like…a child’s uniform,” Kors drawled as everyone slowly recoiled in horror.
Janine wanted something structured and tailored that she could wear to a wedding. And maybe she was happy with this, but the judges decided the dress swallowed her up with too many details. Janine and Jovan were my favorite couple, by the way. So nice and understated and smiley! No wonder Bryce became depressed within minutes of meeting them (because they were so in love that he suddenly missed his own lover so much). Hell, if I spent any time with these people, I’d be bawling almost instantly. They were just that top-notch.
Anyway, the judges agreed that they liked the color, but thought the dress was ill-fitting and didn’t understand why a dress should double as a storage space. Janine helpfully offered that she’d love to keep her cell phone in one of her giant pockets, so of course Michael Kors ramped it up a notch or 30. “You can put your whole lunch box in there.” “Lamb chop!” “Beer bottle!” “You could put a dog in there!”
And now that we can rest easy knowing what Michael Kors likes for lunch….
I’ll see you next week, after an episode featuring GUEST JUDGE ADAM LAMBERT!
Do you agree that Bryce should have gone home? Will Heidi’s hideous butterfly earrings haunt your dreams? Let me know in the comments.